My Brand New Playground

Note: I have decided to write this in the same style that comedian Jim Gaffigan delivers his stand-up; by pretending there's a fake heckler, to mask jokes that aren't actually that funny.

Voila, here she is, an entire website all to myself. I now have unlimited freedom to rip you fantasy weasels a new a-hole.(Just man-up and say sphincter you tool) Last year's tie/loss to my littlest brother in the fantasy championship, which from here on out will be referred to as the "Fantasyship"....

The above is an image search result for, "Fantasyship."
NOTE: This would have also been the search result for, "awesome"

...has just now dawned on me. Which means, I am going to let my boiling rage pour all over your faces. (That's what she said) That's right, let the sexual innuendo flow like fine wine all over your fa....crap already used that...ummmm....vagina? Whatever, you get the point (No, we really don't, you rambling fuck) So without further ado, I bid your asses farewell, as thus begins a very painful journey in which I humiliate you all, and tear your dignity to shreds.

For some reason April Ludgate comes up as the top search result for "tear to shreds." Oh wait, yep that makes sense. This blogger would like to "tear" her vagina "to shreds"

Soo Now that I've given you a taste of my hot fury (OMG, we get it, jokes about jizzing on another man's head are hilarious, but give it a rest!), it is time for me to pull out, before I blow my load on my first blog post. (Sigh)

I'll post the website address on the fantasy page, and then that will be the last post I put on the actual website. (Thank God) But, not to worry (I wasn't) there will be ample (If this is more sexual innuendo), succulent (So help me God), blog posts (Phew), for you to dive into...like I dive into sloppy, wet, beaver. (I'll kill you, you son-of-a-bitch)

After scrolling through, no shit, 18 pages of porn, searching for an image result for, "sloppy wet beaver", I finally came across this. However, this is probably just the picture that came right before renowned porn-star Diamond Squirtz shoved the poor little guy into her cooter
Okay den, you fellows have sweet dreams because soon they're gonna be wet, with the weight of my load. (That's it, I'm getting my gun).

Later Skaters,

The Commish

As I said on the league page, the best part about this new website is the comments section. Finally, instead of hurling insults directed at me, at your computer, you can let the whole world know just how you felt that first time I called you a rusty cum-bag. Gentlemen, let the shit smearing commence.