Did anyone actually see this movie? I'm convinced that the entire movie even existing is just Leo DiCaprio running through my dreams, while Tom petty plays on a loop.
- Mike Honea (Lionel Richie Coloring Book to you and me) is officially the worst fantasy football player ever. Double Sigh.
- Once again, I am in the position to win the point title, yet barely have a .500 record. Just in case you're wondering I've finished #5, #1, and #1(potentially), with records of 7-7, 8-6, and 7-7(potentially). Triple Sigh.
- On a positive note, I've arranged for next year's draft to be at our beach house in Emerald Isle next year. It's gonna be an all weekend event and an absolute blast. I will nail down the exact dates much later, but just keep in mind that sometime in August your calendar should be marked with the words, "Three day drunken blur."
Or, if you're Brian Hall, you could just mark it with the words, "Typical Weekend"
- Speaking of next year's draft, we will be once again tweaking some stuff with the league. Topics include: limits on keepers, the 2 QB rule, playoff seeding, and what to do should the NFL expand to 20 weeks. Plus I'll probably come up with some other inane rule solely to make Josh's brain hurt.
- Dave currently has an 8 game winning streak. In case you were wondering that's currently tied for the longest streak ever. He has a chance to break the immortal Dr. Terps' record from last year, with a win against me. How is that even possible? I'm glad you asked Hypothetical Question Asker. Here they are,
"The Top Ten Reasons Dave is on an 8 Game Winning Streak"
10. Mark Sanchez
9. MJD's return to prominence
8. Fred Jackson's fantasy rebirth for four weeks
7. Murphy's an idiot
6. Matt Ryan and the Falcons are the #1 team in the NFL
5. Dave has given up the least amount of fantasy points
4. Seriously, like 200 points less than anyone else
3. Murphy's an idiot
2. Dwayne Fucking Bowe
1. Murphy's an idiot
- All that said, Dave could break the record and still not even make the playoffs, which means there is a God...and his name isn't Chuck Norris. BOOM. You got joked.
Question 1: What the hell is this? Question 2: Why the fuck isn't this on my grocery store shelf right now?
- Speaking of playoffs, I bet a bunch of you are wondering what exactly your individual chances of making said postseason event are. So, I'll break down everyone's scenarios and chances real quick like. But before I do just a refresher. The top three seeds are determined by the best records amongst division winners. If there is a tie, overall points is the tie breaker. The three wild cards will be the three highest point scorers who didn't win their division.
- Because of the new wild card system, Lionel Richie Coloring Book and Diesel are the only people who can be 100% eliminated from playoff contention. Man, Diesel can't even win at losing. Any other season and the Diesel would be the #1 draft pick and without a doubt win the loser's trophy. But alas, he can't even get that right. LRCB is blowing him out of the water when it comes to sheer ineptitude.
- I will be using Lazarus as a wild card measuring stick because he is currently the last man in the playoffs on points, so everyone behind is chasing him at the very least. This will mark the first time that Nick has ever measured up to anybody. (Get it? I'm implying that he has a small wiener.)
I'm officially getting Nick's girlfriend this T-Shirt for Christmas
GIBBS DIVISION
PHIL
- Phil has handily won his division, and is now just waiting to see which of three top seeds he'll be. A win this week and he's earned himself a bye. Lose and he could still get a bye if he scores 5 more points than Chris, and/or 22 more points than Travis. Complicated huh? Just wait, the shit just keep getting thicker the deeper we dive. (What Sigfried said to Roy)
LYNN/B-HALL
- While mathematically they still have a punter's chance, you can pretty much wipe Lynn and B-Hall off the Bob Ross painting that is our projected playoff picture. (If your life was a Bob Ross painting, what would you be? I would be a happy little tree.) Lynn is currently 134 points back from Lazarus, B-Hall is 170.
And I want him to paint me using a brush made entirely from his most curly afro hairs
CHEWBACCA DIVISION
- OK the following is kinda complicated, so I'm gonna cut out the jokes. ("I wasn't aware they were ever there." Dave doesn't know it yet, but as I just typed that joke, that thought popped into his head. When he reads this, his mind will be blown.)
CHRIS/TRAVIS
- Whoever wins the game between Chris and Travis, wins the division. That part is simple. The winner can earn a bye, if Phil loses and they have more overall points than him. Phil is currently 5 back from Chris and 22 back from Travis. The loser of the Chris/Travis grudge match has a chance to make the playoffs as a wild card, but it's a slim chance. If Dave wins the Schlereth, those chances virtually vanish. Their only real chance is to pass Lazarus for the final spot. Travis is currently 65 points back and Chris is 82 back.
JOSH
- Josh's record might suck ass, but he's sitting in a good position to make the playoffs and defend his 2009 title. If Murphy wins the Schlereth Division, Josh is in the playoffs, because Travis who is two slots behind him in the points race is an uncatchable 120 points back of him. But, if Dave wins the division, that pushes Murphy into the wild card, and Josh has to fight off Lazarus for the final wild card slot. Josh is currently 54 points ahead of Laz.
-That covers the Chewie division. It's time for a joke break. ("Good. I need a break from these awful jokes." BOOM. Did it again. Dave's mind has just been blown more than his cock in a Thai whorehouse.)
Remember to tuck your penis Trini, this dumb American thinks you're a woman.
SCHLERETH DIVISION
- Now we get to the nut and corn crunch that is the playoff scenario shit we're wading through; the Schlereth Division. This is the division where there is a very real chance that every team in this division could make the playoffs, and is all but guaranteed that 3 will make it. Or as I like to call it, my own personal hell. (I am 12 points back from the point title, and yet 1-4 in the division)
MURPHY
- Murphy wins the division and a bye with a win against Lazarus. If he loses, he can still win the division/bye if I beat Dave. If Dave continues his win streak and Lazarus ruins yet another person's fantasy football dreams at the end of the season, then Murphy will still make the playoffs as either the #4 or #5 seed, and will play me in the first round. I like to call this scenario, "Everyone else in the playoffs dodging a huge bullet."
DAVE
- If Dave wins the division, he will also earn a bye, and could even be the #1 overall seed if Phil loses or if he overcomes the 20 points Phil has on him, if Phil wins. (Man my hands really didn't want to type that sentence on fear that the world would spontaneously combust shortly after.) If Dave doesn't win the division, he is probably out of the playoffs all together, because he would need to make up 107 points on Lazarus, all while passing the loser of the Travis and Chris game in points.
LAZARUS
- You should be able to figure out Lazarus's scenario by now, after reading the previous scenarios. But, my guess is that egomaniac Nick Lazarus skipped all that came before and went straight to where his name was printed in bold. He then masturbated at seeing his name in large bold letters, causing his keyboard to stick, causing him to not be able to put in his 8 weekly waiver moves, garnering him 40 points this week, and pushing himself out of the playoffs. And everything would be right in the world again. (Yeah right, Lazarus getting his karmic retribution has about as much chance of happening as me getting laid tonight.) Bottom line, Nick, just score a bunch of points this week, break Dave's knees, and you're in the playoffs for the third straight year, making you the only owner to never miss the playoffs. You Jew Bastard.
Yes, something like this needs to happen.
JASON
- I'm either the #4 or #5 seed in the playoffs and successfully lived up to my team name this year.
Okely Dokely, that's gonna just about do it. I wish everyone luck this week, except Lazarus of course, and I look forward to seeing you in the wild card bitches! (Get it? It's funny because that's the name of my team. That one was for you Murphy.)
Peace out,
The Commish
