A lot of you asked me to do a ranking of everyone's draft, and I started to do just that. But then I realized I was basically just ranking teams based on whether or not they drafted players that I loved/hated. While I am viewed as one of the premier fantasy football thinker of my generation, others might not see it that way(and by others I mean Brian Hall and Nick Lazarus).
So instead of openly berating my fellow owners on how poorly they did at drafting, I have decided to focus more on the positive,(for 6 of you) and less on the negative (for the other 6...come to think of it I guess I'm not focusing more on the positive, just the average.) So I'm going to go out on a limb and try and predict this year's playoff bracket. I'm not going to guess as to what will happen in the playoffs, because that is usually a total crap-shoot (Who would have predicted a repeat of the first championship last year, or that I would lose to Josh on bench points in year two, or that Nick Lazarus would make the playoffs handily yet fail to make the championsh.....oh wait he does that every year. I guess some things in the playoffs you can predict. )
I've looked at everyone's team thoroughly (30 seconds tops), and I have read all my scouting reports (David Carr is still on the Texans right?), and all my sources have been fully tapped (I talked to guy, who knows a guy, who's cousin plays intramural flag-football) in order to compile these predictions. So, if I have you listed as playoff bound you can go ahead and pop the champagne now, and put your team on auto-pilot. If I have you as left out, you might as well trade me your stud WR and RB in preparation for next year. (Chris, I'm telling you, you're not gonna get a better than deal than Mendenhall and Fitz for Roy Helu, you gotta pull the trigger on this.)
NOTE: The following breakdowns are all accompanied by a picture that I found by typing your team name into Google Images and then using the very first result I found. Enjoy.
SCHLERETH DIVISION
JASON
"Two Point O-O-OH"
This is not a good start to my little experiment. This cartoon is atrocious. The drawing looks like it took all of 2.0 seconds to create, and the joke is absurd. Everyone knows that the logical evolutionary step from 2.0 is 2.0 turbo, then 2.0 tournament edition, then 2.0 the remix, and then 2.0 2.0.
Strength: RB. Look, I really hate doing analysis for my own team. #1: I don't want to give away my strategy, so I'm never going to tell you what I really think about my players. #2: I obviously like the players I have, otherwise I probably wouldn't have drafted them. #3: I am extremely superstitious and will never rank myself too high in fear of the jinx. But, I do have enough confidence in my two starting RBs to proclaim that as my strength. I love the Cowboys this year, so obviously I love Felix. Charles losing Charlie Weis scares me a little, but I still think he is a stud. Reggie Bush will probably tear his ACL at some point, but untill then, I think he's gonna be a solid flex guy.
Weakness: QB. Mike Vick is injury prone, this is a fact. That is why, unlike Lazarus and his injury prone QB, I invested two high picks on QBs. That said, the QBs I got were McCoy and Campbell. In no way do I think either one of these guys will be fantasy studs this year, but I think they will both be solid, low-risk guys. Neither has competition nipping at their heels, neither is turnover prone, and they both play in slightly above average offenses. If Vick inevitably goes down, I'll at least still be able to compete... at sucking ass. Who am I kidding? If Vick goes down I'm more fucked than a Thai hooker.
Playoff Prediction: #7 seed, miss the playoffs. Saw that one coming didn't you? I certainly think it's possible that I will make the playoffs this year, I mean I do get to play Murphy's crappy team twice. But I kinda have a gut feeling that I'm due for a disappointing season. I mean, what are the odds I find someone to trade me arguably the best fantasy player in the league for Michael Crabtree, two years in a row? I'm in in for a giant karma ass-kicking for that one.
NICK FUCKING LAZARUS
"The McPoyles"
Well this doesn't leave much up to the imagination. I type in Mcpoyles and I get a picture of the McPoyles. This does however, give me a chance to ask if anyone else thinks that Mac looks kinda like Liam McPoyle (The one in the middle), you know if he gained a lot of weight and rubbed vaseline on his lips.
Strength: WR. Megatron and Dezzy-B is not only a great name for a hip-hop duo, it is also one hell of a starting receiver tandem. Even if one of those two goes down with injury as they both have done in the past, Lazarus has a solid core of #1 WRs named Mike to back them up, along with PPR machine Amendola. (Side note: has anyone noted how many #1 WRs there are in the NFL, with the first name Mike? Answer: 5, and Murphy and Lazarus own 4 of them. Just further evidence that those two are connected dick to anus.
Weakness: QB. Stafford is the real deal, everyone playing Lazarus this year is gonna get real sick of hearing, "Stafford flings it to Johnson...Touchdown!" But the young gun out of Athens is a one man infirmary unit, and if he goes down, Lazarus is in real trouble. Nick will talk your ear off about how great Alex Smith is gonna be this year because of his new coordinator (Gee haven't heard that before, this is only his 4th new coordinator in 4 years), but the Niners suck, their #1 WR is hurt, and his fill-in is Braylon "Butter-Hands" Edwards. As soon as Braylon drops that big pass to win the game for the Niners, Alex Smith's confidence is gonna drop faster than Amy Winehouse did after trying to go to Rehab (No No No)
Playoff Prediction: #2 seed, division winner. Nick will win the Schlereth Division for the third time in four years, mostly because of the weakness of the division, and not because of his inevitably paltry points finish. Fuck my life.
DAVE
"ChuckNorris Is GOD"
Dave, dude, what the fuck. Why the hell isn't this your team picture? I mean it was the very first image result. How hard could it have possibly fucking been to find this? Stop what you are currently doing (masturbating), and go make this your team picture. You done? Good, you may commence reading.
Strength: RB. To start off, his #1 back is the TD machine that is, MJD (BTW, I've decided that you know you've really made as a running back in the NFL once you are given an acronym nickname. AP, MJD, LT, CJ2K, etc) After that comes the great white hope that is Peyton Hillis (Here's ten reasons Hillis will be great this year: Bengals, Colts, Dolphins, Titans, Raiders, Seahawks, Niners, Texans Rams, Jaguars That is the Brown's opening schedule...and you laughed at me for drafting Colt McCoy.) To finish off, he has the only weapon the Bills have that is, Fred Jackson. (Fred Jackson isn't quite to the elite level of running back, so his nickname is F-Jax, which is almost an acronym, but not quite.)
Weakness: QB. Love Matt Ryan.....as an NFL QB, not a fantasy QB. He may be a great real world quarterback that knows how to win games, and can lead a balanced offense, but in fantasy Ryan is at best a high end QB2. He's not a bad QB, he's just very middle of the road. He'll get you 18 or so points each week, but rarely exceeds much more. But the real problem comes with the #2 and #3 QBs, which are Eli Manning and nobody, respectively. If Matt Ryan goes down, Dave is stuck with nothing but a shaky, and slightly dopier, little brother.
Playoff Prediction: #5 seed, wildcard. Yeah that's right, he's finally gonna do it in 2011. You heard it here first, Dave will make the playoffs for the first time, and all the original owners in the White Knight will have made the playoffs at least once, and Brian Hall will dethrone Dave as statistically the worst fantasy owner in the White Knight.
MURPHY
"Team Ramrod"
Again, what the fuck? This has been printed on a fucking T-shirt. Why in the shit do you not own this T-shirt, you filthy jizzbag. I feel like you guys are not properly harnessing the power of the internet. Which, by the way, is exactly what I say when I am announcing that I am going to go masturbate. This is a fantastically absurd piece of artwork, by the way. I have no crap of an idea what a cop car and team ramrod have in common, i mean is it a team of police officers that sodomize the justice out of perps? I don't get it...but I like it.
Strength: TE. You know things are bad when your strength is tight end. I could probably have said WR here as well, because both Mike Wallace and Mike Williams are solid receivers who are going to consistently put up points each week. But by drafting them with your second and third picks respectively, Murphy is giving up a lot to pick up tier 2 wide receivers. But he does have Jason Witten!
Weakness: RB. Ouch. Murphy's running back situation is reaching Carl Lewis singing the national anthem disaster levels. As of me typing this sentence John Clayton is reporting that Foster could miss the first 4 weeks of the season. But it's okay because backing him up he has Michael Bush and Mike Tolbert, two running backs who know all about backing it up, because they aren't starters. (See what I did there?) Oh, and both Derek Ward and Ben Tate have already been picked up. This is why you draft a running back before round 5. It's gonna be a tough season for the champ.
Playoff Prediction: #10 seed, miss the playoffs. The temptation here is to pick Murphy to finish dead last, I mean his team is pretty awful. But the man they call Murph is nothing if not crafty. (She's gotta gripe.) He will find away through the waiver wire and trades, to make this team somewhat respectable. But a poor draft from a shitty draft slot will prove being crafty (and she's just my type!), not enough.
GIBBS DIVISION
PHIL
"Washington Hightowers"
Yes! It's Reginald VelJohn.....of wait my bad nope, that is not Carl from Family Matters. Oh shit, wait, I know who this is, it's Sidney Lo.....oh nope, that's not the worst basketball coach in NCSU history. Oh, I know who it is now, it's that guy who sold me that crack that one time. I can't believe I forgot about that guy. But then again, I do smoke a lot of crack.
Strength: RB. I think Phil might have the most solid trio of running backs in the league. He's got a stud in Rice, and although it might seem like a Cheech and Chong joke, the combo of Blount and Hightower, is going to be smoking (See what I did there).
Weakness: QB. The problem here is clearly not with the #1. Rodgers is the best QB in the league, and will make Phil a team to be feared no matter who else he has. But we play in essentially a 2 QB league and not having a reliable #2 matters. Phil instead opted to go with his old reliable strategy of just drafting whoever the hell the Titans have at QB. That's right folks, whether or not it was subconscious or planned strategy, Phil has now drafted a Titans QB as his #2 for three years in a row. Collins in year 2, Young in year 3, and now Hasselbeck in year 4. What is he seeing here that I am not? Is he a closet Titans fan? Does he think that Chris Johnson's sweat will permeate whoever is around them, turning them into fantasy gold? Does he just love flaming thumbtacks? Whatever the answer may be, Philthy is gonna be okay, because even if the Titan2 blows up in his face, he always has Sexy Rexy.
Playoff Prediction: #3 seed, division winner. Regardless of who his #2 QB is, he still has an extremely solid starting unit, especially considering where he was drafting at. He's got a top 5 RB, QB, TE, and WR, with solid contributers backing them up. However, things could go awry in a hurry if he is beset by injuries as his bench is weak, and Phil is not exactly known as an active waiver wire guy.
B-HALL
"Straight Swoopin'"
You know, this didn't start out so hot, I mean my picture sucked, but since then I have found some pretty awesome pictures to represent your teams. This is also an accurate representation of what happens when Brain Hall gets blind drunk and starts swoopin'
Strength: WR. This was probably the easiest choice I've had to make thus far. Roddy White and Andre Johnson are arguably the two best receivers in the league. Brian also took a deep flier on Steve Smith of the Panthers, which could end up being quite a steal. But unfortunately, fantasy football teams are not made upon the catches of WRs. Receiver is the most fickle position in fantasy. One week they will explode for 20 points, the next they will get you 3. Just ask Diesel how that strategy worked out for him in year 1. Especially since it required you to neglect all other positions, such as...
Weakness: QB/RB. The QB situation isn't horrible, but there are certainly points of concern. Kyle Orton has the potential to be above average, but he's got a new, run-oriented coach, a bad team, and the entire Christian Coalition rooting against him in favor of the pigskin messiah. David Garrard is on a bad team centered around MJD, that only got worse with the loss of MSW and the addition of absolutely nobody. Mark my words, he will not start all 16 games. I do like the possibility of Chad Henne having a good year in 2011. He only has Matt Moore (terrible) breathing down his neck, and looks determined to take advantage of the offensive weapons he has around him (Marshall, Bush) The real problem with B-Hall's team has to be running back. Just like S-Jax, Frank Gore's time has to be inevitabely running out. Why on earth Brian would choose to keep an aging Frank the Tank, on a shitty team, with a new coach, in the final year of his keeper contract, instead of the ready to come into his prime Felix Jones is beyond me, but I thank him for it. But that's the best part of his RB squad. Behind Gore, Brian has a committee RB on a pass first team (Matthews), and three old backups with no upside (Jacobs, E. Graham, LT) Yeah...good luck with that.
Playoff prediction: #9 seed, miss playoffs. Brian is going to be a force to be reckoned with week to week just because of those damn wide receivers of his. He will be the top scorer a couple of weeks, when both of them have monster games. Inevitably though, his lack of RB and QB depth will doom him, and he will fall just short.
DIESEL
"Southeast Jerome"
Oh Clinton Portis! You are so fucking funny with your oversized glasses and your Zorro mask. What clever juxtaposition you've created with the use of accessories that clearly don't belong together. Bravo sir, and hats off to you. Seriously though, change your fucking team name Diesel, Clinton Portis isn't even playing football right now. You might as well name your team the Roger Staubachs or the Joe Theismanns.
Strength: QB. Aside from Travis's Brady/Rivers quarterback behemoth, I don't there is a better QB combo in our league than Flacco/Schaub, and I'm not just saying that because that was the exact same tandem I had the year I lost a championship on bench points (Can you tell that I'm still bitter about that?)
Weakness: WR. Look there's not a lot not to like about the man formerly known as Squeaks' team. From top to bottom he's got a solid roster of talent, with a lot of depth to back it up. But the one area I would be a little concerned about is WR. Nicks is great, but Manning has looked terrible in preseason so far, and I'm down on the Giants as a whole. Lloyd was phenomenal last year, but he's old, plays for a bad team, and has a new coach that loves to run the football. Evans(old), and Garcon(underachieving), have their problems as well.
Playoff Prediction: #4 seed, wildcard. I love Diesel's team, and I think he will end my two year reign as points champion, but fantasy football is at least 70% luck, and although "Diesel" is certainly not an appropriate nickname for a tall skinny white boy, "Lucky," would be even more ill fitting. He will lose a handful of games as the #2 point scorer for the week, and make the playoffs as a wildcard.
LYNN
"100% Arbitrary"
In fairness, this was actually the second result in Google Images. But the first was just a picture of a computer motherboard, which is neither appropriate, or appropriately absurd. This one however, pretty much sums up Lynn's foray into fantasy football.
Strength: QB. Lynn probably has the third best QB tandem in the league behind Travis and Diesel. It's hard to argue against Manning and Roethlisberger. But Manning is coming off of offseason surgery, and one never knows when Big Ben will fall off his motorcycle and rape some sorostitute while stroking his caveman beard. So this a fluid situation...which is exactly what Big Ben said to the girl he raped after vomiting and jizzing on her at the same time.
Weakness: RB. Mike Turner is getting old, but still has potential. Deangelo Williams is also a stud, but he plays in a committee on a shitty team, and I actually think Knowshown could be really great this season. So why do I think that RB is Lynn's weakness. Because those three are literally all he has. His entire bench is composed of WRs...literally. Including the retired Randy Moss and fantasy super-stud Chaz Chillens. Yes, this is because he left the draft early so we decided to punish him, but the fact remains that they are still on his team. If this were Lazarus, or Murphy, or anyone else who is active midseason I would say three solid RBs is enough. RBs can always be found on the waivers later on, but this will ultimately doom Mr. Percival.
Playoff Prediction: #12 seed, miss playoffs. On paper, as of right now, I don't think Lynn has the worst team in the league, that honor belongs to either Chris or Murphy. But both of those owners have something that Lynn doesn't, mid-season testicular fortitude. Unless he is stricken with Super AIDS and forced to sit at his computer the rest of the season, Lynn is unlikely to be an active waiver-wire and trade participant, which will ultimately doom him to possess the women's basketball trophy of shame.
CHEWBACCA DIVISION
JOSH
"Raleigh Sir Walters"
This is one badass picture of Sir Walter Raleigh. Why? Because even though he clearly has a sword he could be brandishing, he instead chooses to carry a whoop-ass stick. He's got his left hand on the sword just in case you try any monkey business, but he's letting you know that he would prefer to beat you bloody with a plain ol' stick.
Strength: RB. While I'm down on AP this year, because I think the Vikes will suck, he's still AP. Forte is always good for at least 15-20 points, and Mark Ingram is gonna be a TD machine for New Orleans. Plus, CJ Spiller could have a breakout year for a Bills team that might have nothing to lose, and Jerome Harrison and Jamie Harper have tremendous upside behind an injury prone Best, and an injury waiting to happen in the holdout Chris Johnson.
Weakness: WR. Mario Manningham as your #1 WR? Ouch. I've already stated I hate the Giants this year, and Not So Super Mario isn't even their #1 WR. I like Anquan Boldin as a solid #2, but Lee Evans is gonna steal a bunch of catches from him this year. But it's okay because backing them up Josh has Roy Willams (When is the last time, if ever, he was a quality fantasy player), and James Jones (He's a 4th string WR, and barely making the team at this point)
Playoff Prediction: #1 seed, division winner. By no means do I think Josh's team is the next coming of ...well me, I guess. My favorite team is definitely Diesel's. But Josh has something Nick Elkins seemingly never will: Luck. This is the last year of his coveted Brees/AP combo, and he's the only person who is going to have to abandon both his keepers next year. I am predicting he goes out in a blaze of glory, only to have a Davesque season in 2012, winning all of two games.
CHRIS
"Mendnen the Cassel"
The fuck? I mean that's pretty and all, but what does that have to do with.... oh yeah Chris misspelled the name of his team that didn't make sense anyway, so this picture shouldn't make sense either. I mean, pathetic spelling aside, what does "Mending the Castle" even mean? Is the castle made out of fabric? Are the ramparts in need of a suture? I see what you were trying to do there, continue with your theme from last year of using the names of your players in your team name, but you can't force it like that. I suggest you trade for Jaguars tight end Marcedes Lewis and rename your team Marcedes Benson. See how easy that was?
Strength: RB. Man, I had a really hard time finding one really solid position on Chris' pathetic excuse for a fantasy team. I mean, he's got some pieces here an there, but I can find a player I hate at every position. But I do love the shit out of Rashard Mednenhall this year( Yes I misspelled his last name. Why? Because as of writing this, Chris is officially the only fantasy owner to ever misspell his fantasy team name. I mean, really Chris? I mean yeah if you named your team the Double Bacon Rothelisbergers, maybe I could forgive this, but I mean, come on man.) I also love the really late grab of Jonathon Stewart. But my love for those two picks is countered by my absolute disdain for both Ahmad Bradshaw (crappy team, average player) and Cedric Benson (crappy team, crappy player)
Weakness: TE. While I could pick on his QB tandem of Bradford & Cassell (These two would probably combine for more wins this year if they were a law firm.) Or I could point out the fact that Jeremy Maclin has fucking cancer, or that he picked the wrong Mike Williams that plays WR. But instead I'm gonna go with the starting tight end that isn't. Aaron Hernandez is the better choice for the Patriots, and he ultimately will be the better TE than Gronkowski, and even if that doesn't happen this year, Belicheck will probably just employ his maddening, every-other game plan for the two. Ask Nick Lazarus how that worked out for him.
Playoff Prediction: #8 seed, miss playoff. I could easily pick Chris to finish dead last with how much I hate his team, but instead I'm going with the trend here and picking him to finish 8th and lose to me in the playoff loser game to secure the 6th pick in the draft for the third year in a row.
TRAVIS
"Primanti Bros."
All I have to say is, sandwiches like that make me wish I was still fat.
Strength: QB. Duh. Brady has by all accounts looked better than ever this offseason, and Rivers just gets better and better each year. I am a little concerned with his lack of a QB3. It's a bold strategy, but Rivers has never been hurt, and what are the odds that Brady goes down like that again? So it's probably not really a concern.
Weakness: RB. It was hard to find a true weakness on Travis' team. I actually like all three of his running backs, but they all have big question marks. S-Jax is old (See, yet another RB who wasn't quite good enough for the full acronym), Best is injury prone (BTW, I think the Lions are an intriguing team this year. They have the potential to be an absolutely explosive offense this year, but all three of their weapons are injury prone. A broken bone here, a muscle tear there, and you're looking @ Shaun Hill, Nate Burleson. and Jerome Harrison. Now that's a potent offense!), and Marshawn Lynch has gold teeth and plays for the Seahawks. I don't know if having gold teeth necessarily makes you a shitty fantasy player, but it sure isn't helping.
Playoff Prediction: #6 seed, wildcard. Travis's team is probably good enough to be the best in the league. I predict V-Jax will be the #1 WR this year ( Maybe even good enough that we can just call him VJ), Lance Kendricks is a great sleeper TE, and Travis is good enough on waivers to overcome the fact that his currently putrid bench. Really, Willis McGahee? That's so 2009. But I ultimately think he will suffer from his always tough division, and will just barely make the playoffs after constantly making the wrong decisions on who to play week to week like he always does once Jahvid Best goes down for the year.
MAC
"He Should Have Played Baseball"
Hank Aaron, of course! Just so you know Mac, an image of Tony Romo didn't even appear on the entire first page of results. Which means even Google Images didn't get your pathetic excuse of a joke. What is it supposed to mean anyway? That if Tony Romo had played baseball instead, you wouldn't have to have him on your team? I'll gladly trade you Colt McCoy for Romo if he disgusts you that much. Why don't you just grow a sack of testicles (That's right not just a pair, but an entire sack), and name your team "I have a tiny wiener" That would show humility, humor, and humongous testicular fortitude. Oh, and welcome to the league.
Strength: QB. If there is one thing you should glean from reading this blog post it's that Jason Hepler hates the NY Giants this year and loves him some Dallas Cowboys. Tony Romo will be a beast this year, flinging it to the stellar trio of Austin/Bryant/Witten like a dealer slings balls of rock. I also think Cutler will be better than expected, I think he's got something to prove this year for all that shit he took over his playoff exit. And yes, I'm even gonna praise the pick of Tarvaris Jackson. It is conceivable that with a new coach that doesn't look like Major Dad, a familiar receiver in Sidney Rice, and an absolute beast in Zach Miller, that he could be fantasy relevant this year.
Weakness: RB. This situation could have been a lot worse if CJ2K hadn't finally ended his holdout. So the fantasy train that ran through Greenville, NC will still be chugging full blast. But attached to that engine are two boxcars named Grant and Starks. While on paper it looks like a good idea to handcuff Grant with Starks, but I think this situation will turn into a RB by committee situation sooner rather than later. Owning both running backs in a tandem can be absolutely maddening. If you play one and not the other, the one you didn't play will have the game of his life, and if you play them both the team they play for will have a stinker of a game, and you have wasted two starting slots. I would want no part in that mess. But that's not even the worst part of Mac's running backs. The caboose is Daniel Thomas, a guy who for some reason everyone seems to love. Umm why exactly? Because he's a rookie? Because he plays for a team that is mediocre at best? Because he has fallen flat on his face in camp and the preseason? Because the coaches have openly stated that they want Reggie Bush to be the feature back and that overall they want to throw the ball more? Is it because he is some sort of freak because he is the only famous person named Daniel Thomas? (I mean seriously, how can a guy with such a common name, not share his celebrity with anyone with his name? Try and name anybody else famous named Daniel Thomas) Yeah, I don't know either.
Playoff Prediction: #11 seed, miss playoffs. Luckily for you Mac, the bar has been set pretty low for you. your roommate (Yeah that's right, he's Mike Honea's roomie. Let's all applaud Travis for his exhaustive search to find a replacement.) didn't win a single game last year, and had the lowest point total ever for a team in this league. I can't imagine you can do worse than that. I do honestly think that you drafted a halfway decent team, and might actually be able to compete for a playoff spot this year if you can catch on how to play during the regular season. If you don't actively tinker with your team mideseason, success is nearly impossible. Play the waivers, make trades, and most importantly, just make sure you are playing a full roster of uninjured players not on a bye week. But nobody has ever made the playoff as a new owner in the league, so you have a historical fight ahead of you. Oh, and periodically I will shit all over your team like this via the blog. But, if you can pull yourself out of the depression that will beset you after you consume the verbal mouth chocolate I spew onto these very web-pages, you might just be able to do it.
Well that's it fuckers, I need a nap and a blowjob after that one. Maybe I'll hire a hooker to felate me while I crawl into bed, that way I can kill two birds with one stone. Yeah, that's the ticket!
Peace Peace See Ya Later,
The Commish
Bet you didn't think you'd hear from me anytime soon. I don't blame you, I mean I do have every reason in the world to slink away and give up on fantasy football for the rest of the season. If you're keeping score, both my #1 RB and my #1WR are out for the rest of the season and it's only week 3.
