The Commish's Doghouse

So let me just start off by saying a thank you to everyone for making this year's draft the best ever. In the fifth ever installment of the White Knight draft, I think everyone is finally starting to come into their own as intelligent fantasy owners and I must say that the picks in our draft would rate up their with many "expert" drafts.

I have participated in a few other drafts, and after doing so, I think I might have to stop being so hard on Lynn. Some of the other owners I have drafted with make Lynn look like Matthew Berry. What's that Lynn? Matthew who? Sorry, I take back all my compliments.

Okay, now that the praise is behind me it's time to start dolling out the hate by the bushel full. PEOPLE, we are less than a week away from the start of the regular season and only three people in the league have changed their team name and/or updated their profile picture. That's only 25% of you, and that's including me in that analysis. Take me out of the equation and you guys are hitting a success rate smaller than Ron Paul's bid for the Republican Presidential nomination.

So it's time to doll out the hate and bash on you pathetic excuses for fantasy owners. And what better way to do that than with FANTASY DOGHOUSE TIERS!!! I know how much you love my tiers, so I'm going all retro on your asses and incorporating them into my scathing editorial on your lack of passion for your fake football team.

However unlike the ownership tiers, you do not want to be in Tier 1, which is reserved for the most petulant of owners in our league and comes with the penalty of, well nothing, but I will give you dirty looks every time I see you, and my dirty looks are more filthy than Kim Kardashian's bum.  So take this as a warning and UPDATE YOUR F**KING TEAM INFO!!!

But, seeing as I'm actually a kind soul under all this curmudgeonly ranting I'm gonna help you all out by including a suggestion for a picture and a team name. I know all of you aren't the creative genius that I am so I'm letting you have these for a one-time only introductory fee of free. But if you use my services again it's gonna cost you a box of Hostess cupcakes and a bucket of KFC gravy. ( NO! Go away Fat Jason! Stop hijacking this blog post. Eat a damn carrot for once and leave me alone. What's that? No, I don't have any carrot cake, leave me alone I'm healthy now)

FANTASY DOGHOUSE TIERS
(Note: To use any of the pictures I have created for you as your team picture simply right click the picture and open it in a new window, and then paste the URL into the appropriate spot in your team settings section under your team page)

TIER IV 

(Tier four owners only slightly irritate me. They are owners who either I have low expectations for, have decent excuses, or don't have much to change.)

JOSH
NAME SUGGESTION: Raleigh SirWalters
Being champion comes with certain privileges, one of which is me not getting as mad at you for not updating your picture. Plus, I feel bad for stealing Brees away from you. I'm like the government taking a child away from it's crack addicted mother. It needed to be done, but it's still sad to see it happen. Also, Josh only needs to update his picture, as his team name is tradition and with two championships under his belt, why mess with a good thing?



 


DAVE
NAME SUGGESTION: Teabagging Tebow
I can't get too mad at you, because #1, my expectations for you as an owner are exceedingly low and #2, I'm afraid you will turn me into a chubby frog with your overweight wizardly powers. Plus, you've had the same team name for four years, so in theory all you have to do is change your picture. But, unlike Josh you have little to no success with your previous name so I think it's time for a change. Plus, I need an excuse to force you to use this picture so we can all brighten our day by looking at it every time we play you.



 

MURPHY
NAME SUGGESTION: Ramrod III "Wrath of Kolb"
I'm not gonna pick on Murphy too incredibly bad here because like Josh, former champions get just a little bit more respect on the blog. Plus, his damn laptop has been at my house for almost a week now, limiting how much he can do on the interwebs. He's only been able to look at porn on his phone, so he's had a hard week. (Pun intended). Also, the last time he won a championship I named his team for him, so he could just be waiting for me. If so, well played sir, because this could be the most perfectest team name I have ever come up with, and I came up with Buffalo Phils.

LYNN
NAME SUGGESTION: Lynn Percival, Hipster Lawyer
So, I'm giving Lynn slack because well it's Lynn and my expectations for him are like my expectations for Obama's potential 2nd term. Very small. Plus, I'm really mad at myself for not remembering the team name we came up for him during the draft. (Damn keg of Hoppyum, ruining me thoughts!) PLEASE, if anyone was sober enough to remember what it was I will dedicate an entire post to your sexual prowess, bestowing upon you all the love of the female readership of this blog. For now, I will just pay homage to the most trendiest of downtown lawyers.

TIER III

(Tier three owners are owners I expect a lot more of and whom I am mildly peeved at, because I know they have thought about it, they just haven't pulled the triggers on anything yet, lazy bastards.)


PHIL
NAME SUGGESTION: Washington III, Washington the Third, Washington 3's
Just do it. You know you want to. It's staring you right in the face and breathing it's hot stinky CO2 all down the back of your neck. Whichever iteration of the name you choose, just do it. The only reason I can imagine you haven't pulled the trigger on this is because you finally believe in the curse. Every Redskin you have named your team after has met with unfortunate disaster and you are not willing to play with fire with your QB of the future. If so fine, I have another name you can use, "Washington by Committee", because if Shanahan can't decide on a running back, why should you?

TRAVIS
NAME SUGGESTION: Russell Wilson Athletics
I could probably come up with something wittier involving Tom Brady's name and how you should possibly give him your number and have him call you, but after three years of watching him as a QB at NCSU I am just now realizing this incredibly marketable name. Both his first and last name make athletic apparel. Someone in either marketing department has to be working on this. But whatever you choose, do it now, because Lazarus is making you look like a fool in the dedication department.

TIER II

(Tier two is owners named Chris Carr who keep trying to hide behind this whole, "I just got married" excuse. Laz is getting married in a week and changed his name already, why not you?)

CHRIS
NAME SUGGESTION: Lucky Number Seven
I am pretty pissed at Chris because he is still sporting a team name that has absolutely nothing to do with his current team name. The marriage thing isn't cutting it as an excuse, but I will slightly let you hide behind not wanting to go look at your team after your horrible draft. If that's the case, just copy this name and then quickly paste it in as your team name and close your browser window. No more thought or sobbing required, because this team name sums up your season: Andrew Luck's development, and moving into the #7 draft spot and into the playoffs for the first time in 4 years.

TIER I

(Tier one owners make me madder than a hungry Rosie O'Donnell when she's 10th in line at Krispy Kreme. These owners either have stupid irrelevant team names that make me cringe, or are an owner who I have to scream at every single year about changing his team name.)

DIESEL
NAME SUGGESTION: Charles Schaub Investments
Dude, seriously, change your name. Oh and Clinton Portis is officially retired now so if you change it to some stupid version of South, East or Jerome, I'm gonna change your team name to the "Slightly Erect Penises" and will keep changing it all year till the very end so that your stuck with that name. This way, for the rest of eternity when one looks at the league history from 2012 that will be your name. Oh and the only reason you're getting that name and not the much harsher "Limp Dicks" is because I'm saving that one for....



MAC
NAME SUGGESTION: Rum Ham!
So at first I was okay with Mac's team name last year because I thought it was a reference to Tony Romo's baseball career. Then I realized Tony Romo didn't have a baseball career and I was getting him confused with former Dallas QB project Drew Henson. Then, I find out from Travis that this is some asinine reference to Michael Jordan, which is both outdated, not football related, and an inside joke that nobody outside of Travis and Chris get. This could then be the worst team name in the history of team names. You could have just left that shit the default "Team Barham" and it would be better. AHA! That's it "Rum Ham!" has to be your name. In fact, I am declaring it now. It WILL be your name as punishment for a terrible name last year. While everyone else's names are just suggestions, this one is law. I'm gonna go change your team name right now.....and done. All you have to do now is copy the URL from this awesome picture and you're done. See that was easy wasn't it?



I hope all of you have taken my warnings with the severity they should be taken with and go change your team name/picture. Whether you use mine or not, I want to see everyone's info changed by kickoff Sunday of Week 1....or else I'm gonna give you the horns. And you do NOT want the horns.

The Commish

Draft Central 2012 (5th Anniversary Special!!)

5 years and going strong!! B-Hall is so proud of us!!!

With our 5th anniversary draft being only 4 days away, I wanted to go ahead and share some stuff with all of you to help prepare and enrich your minds for this momentous occasion. In this post I will cover:
-Rule Changes
-Draft Day $$
-What's in Store for the Draft this year
-Accessing the Draft List Before the Draft
-First Time Ever Pre-Draft Rankings!!!!


All this info is important/entertaining so I highly suggest thoroughly reading this post instead of just scanning for your name and references to boobs. So without ado that is further than most, let's begin.

 



RULE CHANGES

Lazarus caught in the act of stealing my fantasy secrets

Ah yes, everyone's favorite time of year, when I announce some seemingly out of the blue changes to what was already a good thing, and everyone eyes me curiously and tries to figure out what I personally have to gain from these convoluted additions. But I promise ya, I always have the league's best interest in mind when proposing rule changes no matter what Lazarus whispers in your ear. For instance, this first rule benefits me in no way whatsoever, but I feel that a lot of people will like it, and it will make things more intriguing.




 {Changing the Waiver Wire}

Okay so this is slightly complicated and somewhat hard to explain, but I'm gonna break it down as well as I can for ya. The way we have always done the waiver wires was simple, yet flawed: every week the order reset due to the inverse order of standings. While this made it easy to tell who was picking when, it gave too much of an advantage to those who started slowly, and those who were winning games were constantly forced to pick from the waiver wire leftovers. Plus, it makes it too easy to just constantly update your roster though drops and adds, de-emphasizing the need for a quality draft.

So to change all that, ESPN offers a way of doing the waiver wire where the standings are set once at the beginning of the year, and then all subsequent waiver week orders are determined by who made claims, when they made them, and how many they made. While complicated, I think this will even out the waiver wire playing field and make waiver strategy more important and overall more fun. To help explain this system let me use an example.

Let's say for the first waiver wire week this is the order:
1. Josh
2. Laz
3. Travis
4. Diesel
5. Phil
6. Dave
7. Chris
8. Murphy
9. Lynn
10. B-Hall
11. Mac
12. Jason

Then, during the first waiver wire the following owners pick up players off waivers:
Josh: 1 player
Laz: 2 players
Travis: 2 players
Diesel: 1 player
Chris: 1 player
Murphy: 3 players
Mac: 1 player

Therefore the waiver order for the next week would be this:
1. Phil
2. Dave
3. Lynn
4. B-Hall
5. Jason
6. Josh
7. Diesel
8. Chris
9. Mac
10. Laz
11. Travis
12. Murphy

Diesel badly needed a drink after all this

So to break it down, Phil, Dave, Lynn, B-Hall, and Jason move to the top of the list because they didn't pick up a player. Lazarus and Travis both move below Josh, Diesel, Chris, and Mac because they picked up two players, while the other four picked up only one. Murphy, although he was 8th last week, moves to last because he picked up three players, more than anyone else.

Okay that should help clear things up. And, as always we will be voting on this, so if you are adamantly opposed, you can voice your opinion at the draft. We will also decide how we want to determine the very first waiver order. (Random, 1st week inverse standings, draft order inverse, etc.) Plus, since I, or anyone else, has never done this way before, we might all as a league decide this sucks and I will change it back mid-season. Now that your head is spinning, let's get to the next rule change which is much simpler.

{The No Tanking Clause}

For some reason, nobody was all too thrilled that I took advantage of the rules and deliberately sat my star players in order to ensure a higher draft pick. In defense, it was well within the rules at the time. anybody else could have done the same thing, Mac started it, and I still had to beat Mac to get the #1 pick. That said, yeah it was some shiesty underhanded shit and I recognize the need for change.

Lynn has a totally different definition of tanking

So from now on we will have a no tanking clause in place. Since it is impossible to make a general rule as to what constitutes tanking, anyone accused of tanking will be reviewed on a case-by-case basis. If someone suspects an owner of tanking, they should just bring the matter to my, Murphy, or Travis' attention and we will review the facts and make a ruling as to whether or not they are guilty.



If found guilty, the tanking owner will then be moved to last place in the next year's draft. Yes, I know this is a somewhat harsh punishment, but let's be honest, we are all gentlemen (even Laz) and now that there is a rule, I highly doubt anyone is going to try and get away with tanking. But, we will vote on this too just in case you hate this idea and want the trickery and deception that comes with tanking to remain a part of the league.

Okay that's it for rule changes, now on to more entertaining matters.

THE DRAFT (Fun Times on a Golf Course!!)

This year the draft will be held at 12:00 PM at Casa de Hepler
7325 Haymarket Ln.
Raleigh, NC 27615

I think everyone who can, should start arriving around noon, and we will get the draft rolling around 2:00. This should give everyone time to arrive, get set-up, grab some grub and a beer, give and receive HJs in the bathroom, and go over the announcements, rules, and regulations

Murphy is way too cool to give little girl Josh a beer

Back by popular demand, I will be grabbing a whole bunch of BBQ, Slaw, Hushpuppies, and maybe some Fried Poultry. I also think a bathtub full of Banana Pudding might have to be in order as well. I will order more than last year this time, as we is some hungry fools, and didn't have nearly enough last year.

I am also going to try and purchase a small keg of some of that fancy beer we all like so that we can all bond over hops and hold hands.


So this means all you have to bring is $$$, a laptop if you want, your phone, and some shoes without laces.

I am still working on figuring out how much the food and beer is gonna cost. I'm shooting for no more than $25 per person. As far as the entry fee, last year we did $40, and tradition dictates that we bump it up to $45, but since we are all out of college now and most of us have fancy jobs or sell drugs, I think we can go ahead and just round it up to $50.

So, in summation: Bring $75 in unmarked bills to my place at noon and I promise I won't break your kneecaps, and instead will feed you beer, bourbon, and BBQ.

PRE-DRAFT PREP

Okay Lynn you can stop reading now, this next part is for fantasy nerds only. Anybody who wants to look at the official draft list that we will be using on Sunday you can find the link here:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AgsLBw2_SvTUdEpHVXBwbzlkeHBhMHlqUFMzU1NTdkE

You might have to sign into and/or create a gmail account if you don't have one. But after that you should be able to view the draft board for this year and get an idea of who is ranked where and start planning out your strategy, at least for the first few rounds. Note that you can't actually change anything in this file, only look at it.

You guys trust me about as much as this toddler trusts Monkey Chris

If you would like, I can create a copy of the draft board for you and post it on google docs so that you can edit it. I can also block it so that nobody but you can see your copy. Not even I can look at what you are doing, so I'll go ahead and squash the conspiracy theories now. But, if you still don't trust me, after five years of competent leadership, I can always email you the excel file if you would like.

Cool, hope everyone enjoys this neat new feature and uses it wisely. If so, the first round at the very least, should go by lightning fast as everyone should have an idea of who they are gonna draft, except for Lynn of course. Okay it's time for what everyone's been waiting for.

PRE-DRAFT POWER RANKINGS

Seeing as how this is already a mammoth post, and I have started to develop some Diesel-level carpel tunel, I'll make this relatively short. And away we go!

One things for sure, if Murphy is in the championship so are the Buffalo Phils

1. Murphy: He's got the #1RB, a dynamic, young, top 5 WR, and Peyton Manning to boot. His draft position is pretty solid and if the first round works out the way he's hoping he's going to be unstoppable. Plus history dictates that this is his year to win, so we might as well just go ahead and fork over our cash now.

2. Diesel: After years and years of bad luck, it appears as though the sun is finally breaking through the clouds for the younger Elkins. He has a top 3 RB, a solid QB, and arguably the best TE, giving him an advantage every week. If he can overcome his late draft pick and uses the new waiver wire to his advantage, he will be a force to be reckoned with yet again.

3. Lazarus: Yeah, he has the second to last draft pick, an overinflated ego, an injury-prone RB keeper, and the new waiver wire rule might just make him cry in pain each week, but as long as he still has Stafford and Megatron he is almost a lock for the playoffs every year. We should all just pray that the Madden Curse still has legs and that Calvin Johnson breaks his.

The Hepler brothers officially have "Bieber Fever"

4. Jason: If Vick can stay healthy for more than 6 snaps a game, which so far he hasn't, my combo of Brees and Vick is going to be hard to top. Really as long as I can stay healthy this year, I'm gonna be good, but that's a big IF, considering that my luck is about as bad as Justin Bieber's chances of making it through a shopping mall with all of his clothes. (Especially one I'm at. I HEART BIEBER!)

5. Josh: It's really hard for me to pick Josh to do all that well, considers he drafts last, and after Travis and Lazarus every round. But Josh is one of the best drafters in the league and always, whether it's luck or intuition, manages to unearth a few gems. I thought he was left for dead this year, losing both AP and Brees, but his miracle in the form of Cam Newton assures he will continue to have success.

6. Chris: He's drafting 6th for the third year in a row and I think he will use his experience in this slot to propel himself to a sixth place finish and just barely squeak into the playoffs. Even if Chris does have what might turn out to be the worst Keeper selection of all time in his potentially backup QB Matt Flynn, he still has top 3 RB Ray Rice and an every week advantage at Tight End.

7. B-Hall: I think Brian will be cruising towards his first ever playoff appearance and then will make a terrible trade with Lazarus, shooting himself in the foot and just miss out on the playoffs for the fifth consecutive year. But if Andre and Ryan Matthews stay healthy and Alex Smith continues his career resurrection, he might just swoop right into the wildcard.

Mac by Round 8

8. Mac: If Chris Johnson can be CJ2K and not CJ0K, Mac has a chance to make the playoffs this year. He's got a decent QB in Romo, a solid WR in Welker and he's drafting #2. But the big question is: at what point does he get so stoned that he forgets what he's doing and drafts Kobe Bryant, can't believing his luck in getting him in round 8, until someone tells him this is fantasy football.




9. Phil: Just like Lazarus, as long as he has Rodgers, he will always be a contender for the playoffs. But the difference between the two, is 2. Laz has Stafford AND Megatron, plus a quality back in McFadden. Phil has a star WR with a shitty QB, and a TE keeper that isn't an advantage every week like Graham and Gronk. No keeper RB and a late draft pick is going to make that 2012 gamble for the playoffs hard to overcome in 2013. Welcome back buddy!

10. Travis: Most likely, if I am to miss badly on one of my predictions, this is probably going to be the one. Travis usually puts together a quality squad year in and year out, and it's hard to imagine him falling out of contention completely. But will Tom Brady be enough to overcome an aging, possibly suspended RB, a fluke, back-to-earth this year WR, and a late draft pick? My sources say no.

Dave's Future

11. Lynn: And now we come to everyone's favorite hipster lawyer. Lynn is really good at being really bad, but not bad enough to finish last and get one of the top picks, leaving him in an endless state of fantasy purgatory. With a holdout WR(Wallace), a rapidly declining RB(Turner), and a rapist(Big Ben) the real question is not will he make the playoffs, it's will he finish dead last?

12. Dave: Luckily for Lynn, he'll still probably beat out Dave for worst regular season finish in 2013. Why do I hate Dave's chances this year? Let me count the ways: 1) He drafts late for the first time ever 2) He has two Keepers holding out, one who still hasn't signed and might now be demanding a trade that isn't happening 3) It's Dave. Let me again applaud you buddy for establishing yourself as a not half bad player last year by finally making the playoffs, but I think you might be in for quite the crash landing after a meteoric rise. I still love you though...and you have a vewy vewy beeg peenis.



Alrightey then it's time to go do Mock Draft #8,345 and scheme how I can arrange to have Megatron's legs broken, so I will bid you ado and good luck on your preparing for the draft. See you in four days bitches!!!

The Commish