2011 PreSeason Predictions 2011 Final Standings
1. Josh 1. Josh
2. Laz 2. Laz
3. Phil 3. Travis
4. Diesel 4. Diesel
5. Dave 5. Phil
6. Travis 6. Dave
7. Jason 7. Murphy
8. Chris 8. Chris
9. B-Hall 9. B-Hall
10. Murphy 10. Lynn
11. Mac 11. Jason
12. Lynn 12. Mac
OK, so I cheated a little bit and these final standings are based on what happened in the playoffs and loser bracket, and my predictions were actually for final regular season standings. BUT STILL, I nailed every playoff team before a game was even played.
Since I was creepy accurate with my final standings predicition let's take a look at what other predictions were scary accurate.
JASON: "Reggie Bush will probably tear his ACL at some point," It was Jamal Charles but still.
LAZ: "Nick will win the Schlereth Division for the third time in four years, mostly because of the weakness of the division, and not because of his inevitably paltry points finish. Fuck my life." Yup.
DAVE: "You heard it here first, Dave will make the playoffs for the first time, and all the original owners in the White Knight will have made the playoffs at least once, and Brian Hall will dethrone Dave as statistically the worst fantasy owner in the White Knight." Yessir.
MURPHY: "He will find away through the waiver wire and trades, to make this team somewhat respectable." Murphy had a great trade to acquire Peyton for 2012 and just missed the playoffs.
PHIL: "But we play in essentially a 2 QB league and not having a reliable #2 matters. Phil instead opted to go with his old reliable strategy of just drafting whoever the hell the Titans have at QB."
I don't think anything could have stopped Lazarus the week Phil played him in the playoffs, but a solid #2QB would have at least stopped the bleeding a bit.
B-HALL: "David Garrard is on a bad team centered around MJD... Mark my words, he will not start all 16 games." Garrard hasn't played in a single NFL game since I said that.
DIESEL: "He will lose a handful of games as the #2 point scorer for the week, and make the playoffs as a wildcard." Diesel was last year's point champion and although he had a solid record(11-3) he barely beat out Phil for the division.
LYNN: "one never knows when Big Ben will fall off his motorcycle and rape some sorostitute while stroking his caveman beard. So this a fluid situation...which is exactly what Big Ben said to the girl he raped after vomiting and jizzing on her at the same time." It didn't happen, but I just wanted to point that out to the Pulitzer Prize nomination committee.
JOSH: "CJ Spiller could have a breakout year for a Bills team that might have nothing to lose" It took a F-Jax injury at the end of the season, and by that time he wasn't even on Josh's team, but it did happen.
CHRIS: "Aaron Hernandez is the better choice for the Patriots, and he ultimately will be the better TE than Gronkowski" Did I say that would happen in 2011? I meant 2012....I hope.
TRAVIS: "But I ultimately think he will suffer from his always tough division, and will just barely make the playoffs after constantly making the wrong decisions on who to play week to week like he always does once Jahvid Best goes down for the year." Just ignore the first part of that sentence.
MAC: "But that's not even the worst part of Mac's running backs. The caboose is Daniel Thomas, a guy who for some reason everyone seems to love. Umm why exactly? Because he's a rookie? Because he plays for a team that is mediocre at best? Because he has fallen flat on his face in camp and the preseason? Because the coaches have openly stated that they want Reggie Bush to be the feature back and that overall they want to throw the ball more? Is it because he is some sort of freak because he is the only famous person named Daniel Thomas? (I mean seriously, how can a guy with such a common name, not share his celebrity with anyone with his name? Try and name anybody else famous named Daniel Thomas) Yeah, I don't know either." What a great rant that was, also a great prediction.
Yeah. yeah I hear you Chris, I also got a lot of predictions wrong. Gronk being bad, Hillis and Hightower being good, that Eli Manning and the Giants would be terrible, blah blah blah, nobody cares. You don't want to hear that your idol has backne, only that he has abs of steel, so I won't dwell on my faults, instead let's get to the:
2012 POWER RANKINGS
and
2012 SCARY ACCURATE PREDICTIONS
#1: Lazarus
Prediction #1: Laz will finally break through and be Top 3 in Points at the end of the year
Prediction #2: Now that he is finally married, Christina will officially own half of his team, giving him the patience to not abandon all hope by Week 3 and dump all his player on waivers.
 | |
| "Was that as good for you Matt as it was for me?" |
Prediction #3: On the brink of divorce in Week 8, Christina relents and Nick dumps Hunter, Wilson, and Taiwan Jones in favor of Shaky Smithson, Michael Floyd, and Randal Cobb. He then trades B-Hall: Doug Martin, Brandon Lloyd and Jake Locker for Alex Smith, Andre Johnson, and Antonio Gates. He then sighs, lights a cigarette, reaches for his "dirty" washcloth, all while Christina makes him a Rum-Ham sandwich.
 |
| Ahhh, now I know why Phil loves Sanchez so much |
#2: Jason
Prediction #1: I will finally win the Schlereth Division.
Prediction #2: I will nervously eat my way back to Fat Jason status during the playoffs, not being able to handle the two weeks off from fantasy football that comes with having a first round bye.
Prediction #3: Nick Foles will start more games for me than Mark Sanchez will for Phil
 |
| Did you Wiki that shit yet? |
#3: Murphy
Prediction #1: Ben Tate will score more points on his bench than either Kevin Smith or Mikel Leshoure scores in his starting lineup.
Prediction #2: Murphy will stalk Arian Foster, going so
far as to fly to Houston and sleep in the bushes outside the RB's house.
He will then pull a Yolanda Saldívar, (Wiki that shit) and slash Foster's achilles, because he is now insane from having to pick between him and Ben Tate every week
Prediction #3: Kevin Kolb will be on Murphy's team by Week 4
#4: Mac
Prediction #1: It is finally revealed that Mac didn't skip out on the draft early to go out on a date with his girlfriend, he skipped out to go on a date with a large hairy man named Ralph who was secretly giving him fantasy advice, leading to a great draft for Mac, in exchange for one romantic evening and 3 HJs to climax.
 |
| The suit and smile says, "Trust me" The creepy moustache says "Run Away" |
Prediction #2: Brandon Weeden doesn't start a single game for Mac, unless Romo and Rivers quit football and hit the road as a Martin and Lewis style comedy duo.
Prediction #3: Mac takes his team name a little too
seriously and gets Rum-Ham induced alcohol poisoning in Week 7. B-Hall
visits him in the hospital and in his weakened state, Mac makes a
lopsided trade with Brian that ends up blowing up in B-Hall's face and
propels Mac into the playoffs.
 |
| That smile says, "Championship" |
#5: Phil
Prediction #1: Aaron Rodgers breaks his hand in Week 4. Out of desperation, Phil and I team up and start performing illegal back alley abortions in order to procure enough stem cells to grow him a new and improved super hand. Rodgers then throws for 6,000 yards, obliterating all passing records and then is sent into the past to protect John Connor and prevent the robot apocalypse.
Prediction #1: Aaron Rodgers breaks his hand in Week 4. Out of desperation, Phil and I team up and start performing illegal back alley abortions in order to procure enough stem cells to grow him a new and improved super hand. Rodgers then throws for 6,000 yards, obliterating all passing records and then is sent into the past to protect John Connor and prevent the robot apocalypse.
Prediction #2: Phil bucks tradition and renames his team by Week 2 after 1) RGIII is lost for the year with a torn bicep and 2) Phil realizes that a better name for his team would be Revenge of the Nerds considering his starting lineup consists of guys named Isaac, Reggie, Larry, Percy, Vernon, and two Pierres. (Sidenote: What's up with the Elkins' and Frenchmen? Last year Diesel owned both of the Pierres and this year Phil does. Maybe Dave is right and they are secretly anti-American Socialist informants for the frogs.
Prediction #3: Phil makes a four team trade with Murphy, Diesel, and Dave in order to secure the other three Redskin RB's completing his monopoly and making it so that his hotels and houses are now worth twice as much. Phil Does Not Pass Go. Phil Does Not Collect $200. Phil Goes Directly to Mike Shanahan Running Back Hell
#6: Diesel
 |
| Do not fuck with Taxi Driver Diesel |
Prediction #1: After crying his eyes out upon seeing that he was ranked this low in the power rankings, Diesel starts lifting tiny weights and scowling in a mirror, while saying "You talkin' to me," preparing for the moment where he goes postal on the league and holds a gun to his computer demanding a higher power ranking. Once he realizes that the computer doesn't negotiate with terrorists, he drops the gun, slouches and resigns himself to a mediocre season.
Prediction #2: LeSean McCoy gets seriously injured this year. I have nothing funny to say about this, I just think it's gonna happen.
Prediction #3: Jimmy Graham finishes the season as the #1 fantasy player...in a PPR league. Thus begins Diesel's campaign to turn our league into a PPR league. Once I shut that notion down because I am Commish and I hate PPR, Diesel once again sighs, puts the gun down, and goes back to watching reruns of Lizard Lick Towing and eating large bowls of Ramen Noodles, his spirit officially destroyed.
#7: B-Hall
Prediction #1: B-Hall will be one of the top 3 teams going into Week 10, almost assuring himself of his first ever trip to the playoffs.
Prediction #2: B-Hall will lose Andre Johnson, Miles Austin, and Kenny Britt to injuries in Week 11.
 |
| B-Hall's Future |
Prediction #3: B-Hall will freak the fuck out in Week 12 because he is now forced to start Davone Bess and some dude he picked up off waiver wires named T.Y. Hilton. This will then prompt a classic Brian Hall overreaction trade where he will get rid of Matt Ryan and Andre Johnson in favor of Nate Washington. Matt Ryan will throw for 6 TDs in Week 12, AJ will make a miracle recovery and play Week 13 and Nate Washington will amass all of 75 yards the next four weeks, pushing Brian into a tailspin and out of the playoffs. Brian will quit fantasy football forever and chug a bottle of Jim Beam sending him into the Swoop to end all Swoops. He will regain consciousness three days later with grannie panties around his ankles, a half-eaten box of dougnuts in his hand, a three-legged dog licking his partially shaved testicles, and an absurdly grotesque midget nuzzling his left pec. He will groggily rub his eyes, stretch and think to himself, "Hey at least I'm not in jail"
 |
| He is also a much better dancer |
#8: Josh
Prediction #1: Every time Josh opens up his team page to make changes or to pick up players, he will become too distracted with how good he looks as a 16th century nobleman and will ultimately forget to make any changes, losing enough games for him that he is misses out on the playoffs, only to somehow win it again next year.
Prediction #2: Torrey Smith's week by week stat line will look like this at the end of the year: 15, 2, 20, 1, 18, 3, 32, 0, 12, 11, 1, 2, 14, 7, 35, 2, 7.5 Yeah that's right, 7.5. Somehow Smith and Anquan Boldin will simultaneously catch a 10 yard TD pass, and each player will be awarded half points, thus ending a maddening season of being a Torrey Smith owner.
Prediction #3: Terrell Pryor will take over as QB for the Raiders mid-season. Al Davis's zombie will then rise up from the grave and walk the sidelines again at Raiders games. Sadly, he will look better as a zombie than he did when he was alive.
#9: Lynn
Prediction #1: Randy Moss will actually be a relevant factor in fantasy this year, making all of us look stupid for drafting him for Lynn after he left.
 |
| Lynn saw this 'do in the latest issue of "Hipster Weekly" He had to have it. |
Prediction #2:Danny Woodhead will not. Still, he will sit on Lynn's bench all year rotting away because Lynn thinks that a waiver wire is a trendy belt that would match the metal in the rings of his unlaced shoes.
Prediction #3: Lynn brokers a trade with Dave to give up RGII in exchange for MJD. However Lynn will insist that this heavily acronymed trade will only be valid if Dave signs the contract Lynn has drawn up for it. Dave, chomping at the bit to get his hands on the numeric Redskin, will hastily sign the document not realizing that Lynn has buried in legalese a deal that will send Lynn all of Dave's first round picks for the next 10 years in the event that MJD doesn't get Lynn into the playoffs. HE won't, and Lynn will then hipster lawyer his way into fantasy relevance for a decade.
#10: Travis
Prediction #1: Neither Russell Wilson nor Marshawn Lynch will start every game for the Seattle Seahawks this year. This will drive Travis batshit crazy prompting him to transfer to a fantasy league in Wisconsin out of frustration.
 |
| Can't stop the Gus |
Prediction #2: Travis will change his name mid-season to "Hand-cuffed," because AP, Wilson, Lynch and McGahee are all gonna struggle to be every week starters and Travis' lack of the backups for ANY of these players will force him to stage a protest where he handcuffs himself into a field goal post in Seattle demanding that Robert Turbin be exiled to a desert island. Gus Ferrote will then be called in to headbutt Travis till he removes himself from the goalpost
Prediction #3: Jahvid Best will return to the field in Week 8 and have the game of his life. However in the 4th quarter Best will suffer yet another concussion. Best will still report to work next week and suit up, for the Pistons. Jahvid will score 35 points, 13 rebounds, and 7 assists all while thinking he is playing football. All this will be irrelevant because Travis won't have started him in either sport.
 |
| I take it back. Dave, that beard is stellar. |
#11: Dave
Prediction #1: Tim Tebow will score more fantasy points than Mark Sanchez. And then Phil will finally admit that he isn't yet ready for the fantasy big leagues.
Prediction #2: MJD's patchy, preteen beard will inspire Dave to also try and grow a patchy, preteen beard. He will look like a high-school LARPer coming off a 7-day World of Warcraft bender
Prediction #3: Tim Hightower, who currently isn't on an NFL team, will still be on Dave's team by Week 3. And Dave will finally admit he isn't ready for the fantasy big leagues.
 |
| I have so many mixed feeling right now |
#12: Chris
Prediction #1: The tandem of Ray Rice and Gronk will outscore the entire rest of Chris's team in 12 out of 17 weeks. Maddened by this, Chris will bench all of his other players out of frustration one week. He will beat Dave that week.
Prediction #2: 4 of Chris's current bench players will not be on his team by Week 3. Seriously...because they are terrible players and he could drop them all right now and NOBODY would pick them up off waivers. WHY IS MIKE GOODSON ON YOUR TEAM??
Prediction #3: If by some fluky miracle reason Chris actually wins the league this year he will use the winnings as a down-payment on his sexual reassignment surgery after finally realizing he looks better as a woman.
So there you have it folks. All of you ranked outside the top 6 should just go ahead and pack it in and start creating a fantasy WNBA league because as we all know, my predictions are gold.
Peace Out,
The Commish
