How I Feel About The Playoffs

Playoff Picture, Keeper Rules, and Draft Order

So what a wild and wacky trading deadline bonanza this has been. Phil has absolutely loaded up to push for his third finals appearance and his first ever championship. Meanwhile in loser land, Chris, Murphy, and I have acquired ourselves some valuable assets for next year.

This is why I love having the trading deadline so late in the year. It gives teams out of it something to do as well as the teams who are in it. BUT, just in case you are confused by this whole mess here's a reminder of the keeper rules and draft pick scenarios for all the non-playoff contenders, and then I will get to the playoff seeding picture for those who are going to make the playoffs.

Below the picture are the playoff scenarios, keeper rules, and draft order picture, so make sure you scroll on down ya hear.

The keeper rules for next season are as follows:

- You may keep 3 players from 3 different positions (Ex: QB/RB/WR, QB/TE/WR, or RB/WR/TE)

- Keeper contracts(4 years) are in effect and are transferable.(Ex. Chris just traded to get Ray Rice, and since he was on a contract with Phil, Chris may only keep him for two years.)

- If there is any question about what players are under contract, refer to the individual player profiles on the blog. Any player drafted/waivered this year is on year one of a contract.

- You have until the draft to announce your keeper picks

This is the scenario for next years draft picks:

- At the end of the regular season (Monday Night) the non-playoff makers will be seeded according to their overall point finish in a one-game loser bracket. (The two lowest overall point scorers will battle for the #1 seed, etc.)

- The playoff teams' draft order will be determined by how they finish in the playoffs.

- The two wildcard losers will play each other the following week for the #7 draft pick.

- The losers of round two will play each other the following week for 3rd place $$, so the loser of that game will get the #9 pick, and the winner the #10.

These are the loser bracket scenarios.

- Murphy, Chris, Jason, Lynn, Mac, and B-Hall will not make the playoffs.

These are the current point standings of the non-playoff makers

Mac: 1091
B-Hall: 1179 (+88)
Lynn: 1181 (+2)
Jason: 1219 (+38)
Chris: 1377 (+158)
Murphy: 1414 (+37)

(The numbers to the right are how many points ahead of the person in front of you you are. So B-Hall has 88 more points than Mac, but Lynn only has two more points than B-Hall)

With one week to play these are the current loser bracket games:

#1 pick: Mac v. B-Hall

#3 pick: Jason v. Lynn

#5 pick: Chris v. Murphy

And finally, these are the playoff scenarios

- Just to remind: The three division winners will get the top three seeds and will be seeded according to their overall points. (The two division winners withe highest overall points for the season will get byes)

- The wildcards will be seeded in order according to overall points for the season.

- Lazarus, Phil, Diesel, Travis, Josh, and (I can't believe I'm typing this) Dave, have all made the playoffs.

- Lazarus has clinched the Schlereth division

- Phil and Diesel will play a winner takes all game this week for the Gibbs division

- If Josh wins and Travis loses, Josh wins the Chewbacca division

- If Travis wins and Josh loses, Travis wins the Chewbacca division

- If both Travis and Josh win, the winner of the Chewbacca division will be determined by overall points on the season.

- If those fuckers are still tied after that, I see we make the rassle for it!

- Dave is not in contention for a division title, and will be a wildcard, seeded accordingly.

Here are the current points standings

Diesel: 1549
Travis: 1512 (-37)
Josh: 1504 (-8)
Lazarus: 1492 (-12)
Phil: 1491 (-1)
Dave: 1482 (-9)

(The numbers two the right are how many points behind the person in front of you you are.)

With one week to play these are the current playoff games:

#1 seed Diesel: BYE

#2 seed Travis: BYE

#3 seed Lazarus vs. #6 seed Dave

#4 seed Josh vs. #5 seed Phil

In conclusion, you can see that we have quite a tight race coming up this week for the byes. Everybody except Dave has a legitimate shot at getting an oh-so-important playoff bye. It should be quite an exciting Sunday!!

I tentatively think that Murphy has agreed to have all the fantasy owners in the greater Raleigh area to come over to his place and watch the games on Sunday. I think it would be a lot of fun to get everybody together to watch how the playoff bracket all unfolds. We can order some pizza pies and cookies, and maybe drink a few cold Schlitzes.

OH, and don't think I have forgotten about my promise to photoshop those who didn't vote in the poll. I just don't want have to look at a picture of Brian-Hall giving a geriatric a rim-job everytime I open up the main page. So, I'm gonna unleash it upon this world for 24 hours, and 24 hours only. When? Well what better time than Christmas Eve? So remember to check the fantasy homepage on December 24th if you want to see Brian and Hall get his brown and crusty just desserts. If you would rather not see that, just avoid the page that day!

And with that I wish you a Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night,

The Commish  

Thank You for Being A Friend

Part V: "The Golden Years"

In his later years, Nick Lazarus took to dressing drag, where he would perform strip teases under the stage name / persona of Bea Arthur. This is where he met his future mistress in the lovely mustachioed Jason, who just happened to be a Rue McClanahan impersonator. After that all it took was finally getting Chris to embrace his Betty White Fetish, and for Murphy to just put on a wig seeing how he already bears a striking resemblance to Estelle Getty. And thus, the first ever drag show rendition of the Golden Girls was born unto this world.

Chewbacca Bridesmaids!!

Part IV: "The Happy Couple on Their Wedding Day"

Well you don't have to worry about the beautiful bride being outshone on her wedding day, because those are the ugliest bridesmaids I've ever seen. However, if I was a betting man I'd still say B-Hall slept with one of them that night.

Move Over Bradgelina Here Comes Murpharus!

Part 3: "Lazarus, Murphy, and the kids go for a stroll"

You know, upon closer inspection, a couple of those kids don't look like genetic matches to Lazarus or Murphy. Laz, you better get those prenup papers ready, looks like Murphy's been cheating on you bro.

Teen Ugdols

Please enjoy part 2 of my series entitled, "Romancing the Murph: The Nick Lazarus Story"

This folks, is frustration venting at its finest. I think if I didn't have this blog and the front page of the league, I would probably just roll into a sports bar and start firing off rounds, instead I make silly photoshop creations that only dissalow any of you from running for political office in the future.

Tale as Old as Time

So I wasn't ready to remove any of the stuff from the main page just yet, but inspiration struck me and I just had to share this with you guys. Enjoy!!

P.S. If this is how I reward the owners who actually do vote in the poll, imagine what I'm gonna do to those who don't. In other words: Gay, Hairy, Buttsex. Which is exactly what Lazarus engaged in with Murphy right after this picture was taken.

Chris' Vacation Adventure

So recently, Chris Carr and I were sitting around by the fire sipping soy chai lattes when he comes up with a resplendent idea: "Why don't I show you the gorgeous pictures from my trip to the Hoover Dam," he blurted out. "Outstanding idea good chap," I retorted.

After sharing some guffaws at the craftsmanship of the early dam building pioneers, I brought up to Chris that I may have discovered why his fantasy football team keeps failing to make the playoffs year in and year out. It seems as though his division-mates have been spying on him all during the off-season, stealing precious fantasy information. Don't believe me? Have a look see for yourself

 Travis thought he was clever by donning a moustache to try and hide from Chris. It may have worked on the unsuspecting bald one, but I would recognize that shit-eating grin from a mile away.

 No, I'm sorry Josh, you're just too dam fat to hide behind that poll. Hahaha, Get it? "Dam" fat!

What photo opportunity at the Hoover Dam isn't complete without the requisite picture of giant Mac drinking a beer while chilling in the giant reservoir.

So there you have it, I think the evidence speaks for itself. Chris you better watch your back from now on, or you could just stop relying on Ryan Fitzpatrick to win every year.

Power Rankings and More!!

First off I would like turn everyone's attention to the left-hand column on this blog page. If you haven't seen it yet, well, 1) you should, it is jam-packed with nuggets of information and 2) you should probably get your eye-sight checked, I mean it's right in front of you, you blind Asian stereo-type fuck.

The top few sections are particularly important because this is the end-all be-all information on the standings and playoff picture for our league. THIS IS WHAT MATTERS NOT WHAT ESPN SAYS. Since I cannot change how ESPN does their playoffs, I have to manually go in at the end of the year and change things to reflect our unique playoff picture that is based on points standings along with divisional championships. So what is written to the left of this sentence is the definitive word on who is or isn't in the playoffs.

This will be updated each and every week without fail, usually late Monday night, as soon as the Monday night game goes final. Even if I slack off with the blog posts and power rankings, (What!? Me slack off with power rankings? No, never happens) the stuff to the left of me will ALWAYS be updated, no matter what.

After the first few columns I have included a lot of history and statistics that we have accumulated over the years. I think this is kind of cool and gives you something to shoot for each week as you try to rewrite your own record books. Oh, and in case you haven't scrolled down in a while, everyone now has an individual history section, including Mac, although his is mostly blank, seeing as it's his first year in the league. Oh and because he has a tiny penis.

I am going to have even more stuff posted up there soon, mostly just historical records, but it'll still be worth checking out. Okay, that's enough housekeeping, let's move on to the good stuff.

Not too much change in the power rankings this week, but I think soon, all that could change. Bye weeks herald in the separation between contenders and pretenders. You can no longer sit back on your drafting laurels and set everything on cruise control. Waivers and trades become even more crucial in order to fill in your holes. (That's what she said)

So, do not give up all hope ye fantasy unfaithful (I'm looking at you Lynn and B-Hall), teams can be built on the waiver wire, just ask Nick Lazarus last year, and my team this year. You two now have a decided advantage of being able to pick at the top of the waivers each and every week, and there is usually a player or two that is quite startable, and might help you actually win a game or two. OR, youould continue to ignore it and just let me and Murphy slowly crawl back into the playoff picture.

On the other end of the spectrum, owners like Phil and Diesel need to pay attention to waivers before their teams begin to slowly nosedive out of the playoff picture, being held together by nothing but the robust nostril hairs of Aaron Rodgers. BUT, as of right now, none of that matters for the following power rankings, which are based solely on performance to date. But, I'm gonna include a prediction as to what I think will inevitably happen to everyone's team as the bye weeks begin to unfold.

2011 Power Rankings #2

#1. Lazarus: Phil might be the true #1 right now, but his team is too one-dimensional. Lazarus is stacked from top-to-bottom. As long as Stafford can continue to stay healthy, Lazarus will cakewalk into the playoffs and the divisional jacket. And that is all I will say about Nick's fantasy team, because my throat is starting to bleed from all this vomiting.

#2. Phil: Speaking of resting on the hopes of your QB's health, if Aaron Rodgers were to ever go down with injury, Phil would crash faster than Oprah in a cupcake shop. I mean take a look at his team this week, he's playing a backup RB (Ronnie Brown) and a declining WR (Nate Burleson, who's scored 2 points in 2 weeks) But Phil has a history of having luck shooting out his ass, and even in this dreadful, bye-ravaged week, he will still probably win because he's playing B-Hall, who's team is being held together by duct tape and jizz right now.




#3. Dave: Yes, that's right, a quarter into the season and Dave is one of the top three teams. I am as shocked as you are. Eli Manning has been better than expected, Fred Jackson has been a surprise beast, and somehow, even though the Chiefs suck complete ass, Dwayne Bowe keeps getting double digit fantasy points each week. But Dave is not exactly a student of the fantasy game and will inevitably start to crash during the bye weeks. I still am holding out hope for his sake that he can sneak into the playoff back door, but I think it will be close.

 #4. Diesel: It amazes me that Diesel is still undefeated and 4th in the points standings. His team is so damn streaky. There is not a consistent fantasy performer among them. One week they go nuts, the next they fall flat on their face. But I guess they have just cobbled together the right amount of points each week to make Diesel win. But, like his brother, the younger Elkins is not known to be a waiver-wire guru and his team will inevitably suffer, because unlike his brother, he is not lucky, and will probably somehow lose to Lynn this week, when Peyton Manning comes off the bench and necks his way across the goallline.



#5. Travis: I feel like a broken record when talking about Travis' team. Brady. Rivers. Brady. Rivers. Until Travis produces any other player that is better than mediocre, it's always going to be the same old song and dance. But those two are good enough to carry a team into the playoffs, which Travis will inevitably do. I will however give props to my bro for his prediction that Willis McGahee would be a fantasy factor this year. I kinda lambasted him for that one, and so far it looks as if I am dead wrong.

#6. Josh: I'm also gonna have to give Josh props for his Mario Mannigham love, he's scored 10 points all four weeks so far this year...oh wait, that's 10 points TOTAL through four weeks. Yeah as much I was wrong about McGahee I was so right on not so super Mario. But Josh got the luckiest pick of the draft of this year with his Cam Newton steal and Matt Forte has been a beast along with the consistent production of Brees. I would be surprised if he didn't make the playoffs, but he's not the shoe-in that he was at the beginning of the year.



#7. Chris: Now it starts to get ugly. I feel there is a significant drop-off after Josh in the power rankings. Chris's team scares nobody. I'm not saying it's the worst team I have ever seen, but there really isn't a player that strikes fear into the hearts of fantasy defenses. His #1 pick Bradford has been a huge disappointment, and his RB keeper can't get blocking to save his life. He does have however, that guy from Harvard and some good WRs. By the way, I think I will give you a bump in the power rankings if you change your name to the Fighting Fitzs. As for your prediction? The same as always. you will finish with the worst draft pick of non-playoff teams. Same as it ever was.

#8. Jason: By no means do I think my team is back. I have suffered too many injuries and too poor of a draft to recover this season. My goal for the rest of the year is to protect my significant lead in the historical points standings. I am not ready to give that up just yet. My waiver-wire wonders are however, good enough to beat the crap out of Mac, and I don't think Murphy will beat me by one measly Michael Bush yard again, and well Lynn and B-Hall are just plain terrible. So I think I have earned this slightly less crappy spot in the power rankings. If I do somehow make the playoffs, I think I should take over the title of Waiver Wire King from Lazarus, as my current starting lineup is made-up of only 4 players I actually drafted/ kept...in week 4. That gentlemen, is called tenacity. Which is also the name of the NFL stripper pictured to my left.

#9. Mac: While he doesn't seem to have much of a clue about how to play fantasy at this point in his young career as an owner, he does seem to have a knack for being in the right place at the right time. I mean, just about every other owner in the league would have dropped Ryan Torain by now, but his lack of knowledge has garnered him what could turn into a fantasy stud. He also took Wes Welker slightly high in the draft only because he wants to give him a reach-around. But, that is turning into the smartest pick of all. However, bye weeks have a tendency to prey on the weak, and that is exactly what is apt to happen here. I would be shocked if Mac was the first expansion team to make the playoffs.

#10. Murphy: Yay, Arian Foster is back! And thus concludes the good news portion of Murphy's
power ranking. His QB play has been utterly disappointing, his RB play has been somewhat nonexistant other than Foster's one week and Sproles' 10 points each week and he has adopted the strategy of putting all his eggs in the Buc's basket. (When has that ever worked?) He does however have some quality WRs, and I have faith that Murphy will be able to put together some kind of trade and make a late playoff push that will probably fall just short.

#11. B-Hall: Wow, I don't think that if Lynn and B-Hall pulled their teams together they could make the playoffs at this point. Seriously, between the two of them they might not have a starting QB by week 6. Brian is down to Kyle Orton (Could lose his job to Quinn or Tebow) and Kerry Collins (Has lost his job to that curly haired painter) and Lynn is down to Big Ben (Battling a foot injury and a terrible O-line) and Blaine Gabbert (Battling being terrible on a terrible team) Aside from the QBs, Brian's strategy of picking two stud WRs early is paying huge dividends. Oh wait, AJ is hurt and Roddy White is getting killed by Julio Jones' emergence. Steve Smith has been surprisingly good however. Oh any Ryan Matthews is finally emerging as a fantasy force. But unlike Rivers and Brady, Matthews and Smith will not carry a team into the fantasy playoffs. I will seriously resign my position as commissioner if Brian Hall makes the playoffs this year. Sorry buddy, it's just not in the cards this year. That said, please continue to try and at the very least set a line-up each week. I know it's hard to look at your crap-basket of a team every week, but remember, in order to get the number one pick, you still have to have a good enough team to beat Lynn at the end of the year. THAT, is doable....

#12. Lynn: ...with your damn hands tied behind your back, because Lynn''s team sucks even worse. I dare you to find a good player on Lynn's team not named Michael Turner. I guess maybe Julio Jones hasn't been that bad. Oh and his Ravens D/ST has been pretty phenomenal. When your best player is a defense, you know you are in trouble. I don't need to do a prediction for Lynn's team, I knew he was gonna miss the playoffs when he confessed to me in the elevator before the draft that he had done no research whatsoever this year. Maybe next year Lynn, maybe next year.

Okay, that's it for now. Good luck this week and somebody make a trade, its getting boring around here.


Down With OPP,


The Commish

Draft Pics 2010

The subtitle of this post should be, "The Return of Fat Jason"

And yes, I know this a year too late, but I figured now was as good a time as ever. So enjoy you ungrateful fuckers. COMMENT DAMN YOU!!!!

 Here he is, your 2010 White Knight Champion in all his inappropriate T-shirt glory. We aren't drafting college players Josh. Also making an appearance in this picture: LRCB, the worst fantasy football player in the history of our league. Congrats Mike, your ineptitude will never be forgotten.

 This picture sucks. I mean Chris and B-Hall aren't even talking to each other. Chris is staring at Brian's neck while Brian does his best strut to impress all the ladies at the draft. This picture does, however, feature the rolling ladder bookcase. I can't believe I used to live in a house with one of those. Sigh.

 This picture also kinda sucks. But it does have something that none of these other pictures have, Lynn Percival's sexy mother fucking back. And the dueling 50+" Plasmas. Double Sigh.

 This is one badass picture of Dave, if I don't say so myself. I mean, I wanna have sex with him, right now. Unfortunately Murphy is ruining the picture with a back that is not nearly as sexy as Lynn's.

 Chris looking way too happy to be giving Josh the Chewbacca Division trophy. I believe that trophy must have touched him in his special area and he was glad to get rid of it. On the other hand, Josh looks pretty enthusiastic to be touched in his special area by Chewie. Also, featured in the picture: Blurry Diesel. Which sounds like the newest alcoholic energy drink to hit the shelves. 

 Me explaining how the new draft application works to youse guys. For some inexplicable reason I am not wearing shoes. What a fat hobo I am. I'm wearing a tucked-in shirt and tie, shorts and no shoes. I am so fashionable. 

 This is without a doubt the creepiest picture ever taken of someone grilling hot dogs. Murphy your face clearly says, "Come on, you know you want a rim job. Come one, you'll like it I swear."

 If the five of us in this picture formed a band, it would have to be called Fat J and The Blurries. I also forgot I was rocking the faux-hawk that day. I could have been the ugliest man on the planet at that given moment. 

 My bloated face staring at the camera while I present Nick Lazarus with his two-time Divisional Jacket. You fat fat ass, fat fat ass. By the way, Nick,  you look pretty happy to be receiving a jacket that you then subsequently forgot to bring to the 2011 draft. In a career filled with dastardly deeds, that could be your most dastardly ever.

 For having so many people in it, this picture doesn't have a whole lot going on, except Dave looking like he is getting ready to take a cock into his mouth. Oh and if you're wondering I think that's Jacob, my old roommate in the bottom left corner. He is probably rolling a blunt. 

 Dave and I hanging up the Big Board. It kinda looks like Dave is pointing out an imperfection in my wall as snooty-like as possible, as I hang my head in shame for having poor interior decorating skills. 

A POV perspective of someone getting their research on in the war-room. I don't know whose legs those are, but they certainly aren't mine, because there are shoes on the feet. My fat hobbit ass would be barefoot. (I Heart Self-Deprecation) 

 Dave making the very first pick of the draft. This drafting of MJD marked the beginning of Dave's ascension into fantasy relevance.

Josh receiving the championship trophy from Murphy. Why does everyone look so happy to be giving up their trophies? What are you guys doing to those trophies while nobody else is around? You know what forget it I don't wanna know. Seeing as how I will never win one, it doesn't really matter.

 The man, the myth, the legend, the photographer, Phil Elkins. Seriously, mad props to Phil for taking all these pictures. We missed you keen eye at this year's draft. The pictures I took on my phone are crappy and sparse. Here, as thanks, let me open that beer for you buddy. 

Okay, that's all of the 2010 Draft Pics. I only did it this way because I'm lazy, but now that it's done, I kinda like putting up the pictures a year later, it gives us a chance to reminisce. Because we are all little girls.

Saluting Your Shorts,

The Commish

Power Rankings #1 2011

Bet you didn't think you'd hear from me anytime soon. I don't blame you, I mean I do have every reason in the world to slink away and give up on fantasy football for the rest of the season. If you're keeping score, both my #1 RB and my #1WR are out for the rest of the season and it's only week 3.

But I have chosen to hold my head high and plow through the rest of the season, hoping maybe I can cobble together a patchwork team built off of  waiver wire scraps and gumption. However, as of right now, my team sucks donkey dick. Nothing has panned out for me, and my entire team is a damn Q at best. If I somehow make it into the playoffs this year, you all truly suck.

Well, let's get on to the good stuff. I've decided that for the first power rankings of the season I'm gonna group everyone into tiers (Because i know how much y'all love mother fuckin' tiers.) based on everyone's playoff odds. The theme for these tiers: Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 7

Tier 1: The Dennis Tier

 
-These Owners are the cream of the crop. Supreme physical specimens and the leaders of the pack. Their teams are tighter than dick skin.
1. Nick "Fucking" Lazarus: Constantly doing hummingbirds all day has left Laz's team absolutely pumped. He does however have anemia and high blood-pressure.
2. Phil "The Thrill" Elkins: Riding the wave of glory that is Phil's fantasy team is almost as magical a place as under the boardwalk.
3. Nick "The Diesel" Elkins: The only thing better than Diesel's undefeated fantasy team: crack.

Tier 2: The Fat Mac Tier

 

-These owners are building mass for a strong playoff push. However type 2 adult onset diabetes might just derail this train. 
4. Dave "The Overweight Wizard" Visted: There's only one man in this world, that I know, that could put down a garbage bag full of chimichangas. So there's only one man in this tier.

Tier 3: The Charlie Tier

 

-These owners are more comfortable smashing rats in the basement than winning fantasy games. 
5-8: The Chewbacca Division: Who the hell can tell the difference between any of these teams. They are all quite mediocre and most of them will probably make the playoffs. But probably not all of them. So which one will be left out in the cold? It's a mystery that nobody is interested in solving. Like why exactly charlie didn't just chew on the blood capsules? 

Tier 4: The Sweet Dee Tier

 

-These owners' teams are quite anorexic, and they are barely still part of the group. They may have lost a chunk of scalp, but they still have a chance in this world. 
9. Mike "Phallic Team Name" Murphy: The champ is hanging tough, and might actually have a chance of squeaking into the playoffs. Then again, I have ben hitting the sunscreen bottle pretty hard today.
10. Brian "-Hall" Hall: The jersey shore is a horrible place with horrible people, and so is B-Hall's fantasy team.

Tier 5: The Frank Tier

 
-These owners' lives have gotten so depressing they have to resort to proposing to hookers and boilng denim found under bridges.
11. Lynn "Creative Nickname" Percival: Peyton...God bless you. You were a good quarterback. You serviced me like no other quarterback ever did. Not only my crank but my heart.
12. Jason "The Accursed" Hepler: You wanna know the real reason I'm still in good spirits despite the worst fantasy season ever? Two words: Rum. Ham.

2011 Playoff Predictions

A lot of you asked me to do a ranking of everyone's draft, and I started to do just that. But then I realized I was basically just ranking teams based on whether or not they drafted players that I loved/hated. While I am viewed as one of the premier fantasy football thinker of my generation, others might not see it that way(and by others I mean Brian Hall and Nick Lazarus).

So instead of openly berating my fellow owners on how poorly they did at drafting, I have decided to focus more on the positive,(for 6 of you) and less on the negative (for the other 6...come to think of it I guess I'm not focusing more on the positive, just the average.) So I'm going to go out on a limb and try and predict this year's playoff bracket. I'm not going to guess as to what will happen in the playoffs, because that is usually a total crap-shoot (Who would have predicted a repeat of the first championship last year, or that I would lose to Josh on bench points in year two, or that Nick Lazarus would make the playoffs handily yet fail to make the championsh.....oh wait he does that every year. I guess some things in the playoffs you can predict. )

I've looked at everyone's team thoroughly (30 seconds tops), and I have read all my scouting reports (David Carr is still on the Texans right?), and all my sources have been fully tapped (I talked to guy, who knows a guy, who's cousin plays intramural flag-football) in order to compile these predictions. So, if I have you listed as playoff bound you can go ahead and pop the champagne now, and put your team on auto-pilot. If I have you as left out, you might as well trade me your stud WR and RB in preparation for next year. (Chris, I'm telling you, you're not gonna get a better than deal than Mendenhall and Fitz for Roy Helu, you gotta pull the trigger on this.)

NOTE: The following breakdowns are all accompanied by a picture that I found by typing your team name into Google Images and then using the very first result I found. Enjoy.



SCHLERETH DIVISION

JASON

"Two Point O-O-OH"

 This is not a good start to my little experiment. This cartoon is atrocious. The drawing looks like it took all of 2.0 seconds to create, and the joke is absurd. Everyone knows that the logical evolutionary step from 2.0 is 2.0 turbo, then 2.0 tournament edition, then 2.0 the remix, and then 2.0 2.0.

Strength: RB. Look, I really hate doing analysis for my own team. #1: I don't want to give away my strategy, so I'm never going to tell you what I really think about my players. #2: I obviously like the players I have, otherwise I probably wouldn't have drafted them. #3: I am extremely superstitious and will never rank myself too high in fear of the jinx. But, I do have enough confidence in my two starting RBs to proclaim that as my strength. I love the Cowboys this year, so obviously I love Felix. Charles losing Charlie Weis scares me a little, but I still think he is a stud. Reggie Bush will probably tear his ACL at some point, but untill then, I think he's gonna be a solid flex guy.

Weakness: QB. Mike Vick is injury prone, this is a fact. That is why, unlike Lazarus and his injury prone QB, I invested two high picks on QBs. That said, the QBs I got were McCoy and Campbell. In no way do I think either one of these guys will be fantasy studs this year, but I think they will both be solid, low-risk guys. Neither has competition nipping at their heels, neither is turnover prone, and they both play in slightly above average offenses. If Vick inevitably goes down, I'll at least still be able to compete... at sucking ass. Who am I kidding? If Vick goes down I'm more fucked than a Thai hooker.

Playoff Prediction: #7 seed, miss the playoffs. Saw that one coming didn't you? I certainly think it's possible that I will make the playoffs this year, I mean I do get to play Murphy's crappy team twice. But I kinda have a gut feeling that I'm due for a disappointing season. I mean, what are the odds I find someone to trade me arguably the best fantasy player in the league for Michael Crabtree, two years in a row? I'm in in for a giant karma ass-kicking for that one.

NICK FUCKING LAZARUS

 "The McPoyles"

Well this doesn't leave much up to the imagination. I type in Mcpoyles and I get a picture of the McPoyles. This does however, give me a chance to ask if anyone else thinks that Mac looks kinda like Liam McPoyle (The one in the middle), you know if he gained a lot of weight and rubbed vaseline on his lips.

Strength: WR. Megatron and Dezzy-B is not only a great name for a hip-hop duo, it is also one hell of a starting receiver tandem. Even if one of those two goes down with injury as they both have done in the past, Lazarus has a solid core of #1 WRs named Mike to back them up, along with PPR machine Amendola. (Side note: has anyone noted how many #1 WRs there are in the NFL, with the first name Mike?  Answer: 5, and Murphy and Lazarus own 4 of them. Just further evidence that those two are connected dick to anus.

Weakness: QB. Stafford is the real deal, everyone playing Lazarus this year is gonna get real sick of hearing, "Stafford flings it to Johnson...Touchdown!" But the young gun out of Athens is a one man infirmary unit, and if he goes down, Lazarus is in real trouble. Nick will talk your ear off about how great Alex Smith is gonna be this year because of his new coordinator (Gee haven't heard that before, this is only his 4th new coordinator in 4 years), but the Niners suck, their #1 WR is hurt, and his fill-in is Braylon "Butter-Hands" Edwards. As soon as Braylon drops that big pass to win the game for the Niners, Alex Smith's confidence is gonna drop faster than Amy Winehouse did after trying to go to Rehab (No No No)

Playoff Prediction: #2 seed, division winner. Nick will win the Schlereth Division for the third time in four years, mostly because of the weakness of the division, and not because of his inevitably paltry points finish. Fuck my life.

DAVE

"ChuckNorris Is GOD"

Dave, dude, what the fuck. Why the hell isn't this your team picture? I mean it was the very first image result. How hard could it have possibly fucking been to find this? Stop what you are currently doing (masturbating), and go make this your team picture. You done? Good, you may commence reading.

Strength: RB. To start off, his #1 back is the TD machine that is, MJD (BTW, I've decided that you know you've really made as a running back in the NFL once you are given an acronym nickname. AP, MJD, LT, CJ2K, etc) After that comes the great white hope that is Peyton Hillis (Here's ten reasons Hillis will be great this year: Bengals, Colts, Dolphins, Titans, Raiders, Seahawks, Niners, Texans Rams, Jaguars That is the Brown's opening schedule...and you laughed at me for drafting Colt McCoy.) To finish off, he has the only weapon the Bills have that is, Fred Jackson. (Fred Jackson isn't quite to the elite level of running back, so his nickname is F-Jax, which is almost an acronym, but not quite.)

Weakness: QB. Love Matt Ryan.....as an NFL QB, not a fantasy QB. He may be a great real world quarterback that knows how to win games, and can lead a balanced offense, but in fantasy Ryan is at best a high end QB2. He's not a bad QB, he's just very middle of the road. He'll get you 18 or so points each week, but rarely exceeds much more. But the real problem comes with the #2 and #3 QBs, which are Eli Manning and nobody, respectively. If Matt Ryan goes down, Dave is stuck with nothing but a shaky, and slightly dopier, little brother.

Playoff Prediction: #5 seed, wildcard. Yeah that's right, he's finally gonna do it in 2011. You heard it here first, Dave will make the playoffs for the first time, and all the original owners in the White Knight will have made the playoffs at least once, and Brian Hall will dethrone Dave as statistically the worst fantasy owner in the White Knight.

MURPHY

"Team Ramrod"

 Again, what the fuck? This has been printed on a fucking T-shirt. Why in the shit do you not own this T-shirt, you filthy jizzbag. I feel like you guys are not properly harnessing the power of the internet. Which, by the way, is exactly what I say when I am announcing that I am going to go masturbate. This is a fantastically absurd piece of artwork, by the way. I have no crap of an idea what a cop car and team ramrod have in common, i mean is it a team of  police officers that sodomize the justice out of perps? I don't get it...but I like it.

Strength: TE. You know things are bad when your strength is tight end. I could probably have said WR here as well, because both Mike Wallace and Mike Williams are solid receivers who are going to consistently put up points each week. But by drafting them with your second and third picks respectively, Murphy is giving up a lot to pick up tier 2 wide receivers. But he does have Jason Witten!

Weakness: RB. Ouch. Murphy's running back situation is reaching Carl Lewis singing the national anthem disaster levels. As of me typing this sentence John Clayton is reporting that Foster could miss the first 4 weeks of the season. But it's okay because backing him up he has Michael Bush and Mike Tolbert, two running backs who know all about backing it up, because they aren't starters. (See what I did there?) Oh, and both Derek Ward and Ben Tate have already been picked up. This is why you draft a running back before round 5. It's gonna be a tough season for the champ.

Playoff Prediction: #10 seed, miss the playoffs. The temptation here is to pick Murphy to finish dead last, I mean his team is pretty awful. But the man they call Murph is nothing if not crafty. (She's gotta gripe.) He will find away through the waiver wire and trades, to make this team somewhat respectable. But a poor draft from a shitty draft slot will prove being crafty (and she's just my type!), not enough.

GIBBS DIVISION

PHIL

"Washington Hightowers"

Yes! It's Reginald VelJohn.....of wait my bad nope, that is not Carl from Family Matters. Oh shit, wait, I know who this is, it's Sidney Lo.....oh nope, that's not the worst basketball coach in NCSU history. Oh, I know who it is now, it's that guy who sold me that crack that one time. I can't believe I forgot about that guy. But then again, I do smoke a lot of crack.

Strength: RB. I think Phil might have the most solid trio of running backs in the league. He's got a stud in Rice, and although it might seem like a Cheech and Chong joke, the combo of Blount and Hightower, is going to be smoking (See what I did there).

Weakness: QB. The problem here is clearly not with the #1. Rodgers is the best QB in the league, and will make Phil a team to be feared no matter who else he has. But we play in essentially a 2 QB league and not having a reliable #2 matters. Phil instead opted to go with his old reliable strategy of just drafting whoever the hell the Titans have at QB. That's right folks, whether or not it was subconscious or planned strategy, Phil has now drafted a Titans QB as his #2 for three years in a row. Collins in year 2, Young in year 3, and now Hasselbeck in year 4. What is he seeing here that I am not? Is he a closet Titans fan? Does he think that Chris Johnson's sweat will permeate whoever is around them, turning them into fantasy gold? Does he just love flaming thumbtacks? Whatever the answer may be,  Philthy is gonna be okay, because even if the Titan2 blows up in his face, he always has Sexy Rexy. 

Playoff Prediction: #3 seed, division winner. Regardless of who his #2 QB is, he still has an extremely solid starting unit, especially considering where he was drafting at. He's got a top 5 RB, QB, TE, and WR, with solid contributers backing them up. However, things could go awry in a hurry if he is beset by injuries as his bench is weak, and Phil is not exactly known as an active waiver wire guy.

B-HALL

 "Straight Swoopin'"

You know, this didn't start out so hot, I mean my picture sucked, but since then I have found some pretty awesome pictures to represent your teams.  This is also an accurate representation of what happens when Brain Hall gets blind drunk and starts swoopin'

Strength: WR. This was probably the easiest choice I've had to make thus far. Roddy White and Andre Johnson are arguably the two best receivers in the league. Brian also took a deep flier on Steve Smith of the Panthers, which could end up being quite a steal. But unfortunately, fantasy football teams are not made upon the catches of WRs. Receiver is the most fickle position in fantasy. One week they will explode for 20 points, the next they will get you 3. Just ask Diesel how that strategy worked out for him in year 1. Especially since it required you to neglect all other positions, such as...

Weakness: QB/RB. The QB situation isn't horrible, but there are certainly points of concern. Kyle Orton has the potential to be above average, but he's got a new, run-oriented coach, a bad team, and the entire Christian Coalition rooting against him in favor of the pigskin messiah. David Garrard is on a bad team centered around MJD, that only got worse with the loss of MSW and the addition of absolutely nobody. Mark my words, he will not start all 16 games. I do like the possibility of Chad Henne having a good year in 2011. He only has Matt Moore (terrible) breathing down his neck, and looks determined to take advantage of the offensive weapons he has around him (Marshall, Bush) The real problem with B-Hall's team has to be running back. Just like S-Jax, Frank Gore's time has to be inevitabely running out. Why on earth Brian would choose to keep an aging Frank the Tank, on a shitty team, with a new coach, in the final year of his keeper contract, instead of the ready to come into his prime Felix Jones is beyond me, but I thank him for it. But that's the best part of his RB squad. Behind Gore, Brian has a committee RB on a pass first team (Matthews), and three old backups with no upside (Jacobs, E. Graham, LT) Yeah...good luck with that.

Playoff prediction: #9 seed, miss playoffs. Brian is going to be a force to be reckoned with week to week just because of those damn wide receivers of his. He will be the top scorer a couple of weeks, when both of them have monster games. Inevitably though, his lack of RB and QB depth will doom him, and he will fall just short.

DIESEL

"Southeast Jerome"

Oh Clinton Portis! You are so fucking funny with your oversized glasses and your Zorro mask. What clever juxtaposition you've created with the use of accessories that clearly don't belong together. Bravo sir, and hats off to you. Seriously though, change your fucking team name Diesel, Clinton Portis isn't even playing football right now. You might as well name your team the Roger Staubachs or the Joe Theismanns.

Strength: QB. Aside from Travis's Brady/Rivers quarterback behemoth, I don't there is a better QB combo in our league than Flacco/Schaub, and I'm not just saying that because that was the exact same tandem I had the year I lost a championship on bench points (Can you tell that I'm still bitter about that?)

Weakness: WR. Look there's not a lot not to like about the man formerly known as Squeaks' team. From top to bottom he's got a solid roster of talent, with a lot of depth to back it up. But the one area I would be a little concerned about is WR. Nicks is great, but Manning has looked terrible in preseason so far, and I'm down on the Giants as a whole. Lloyd was phenomenal last year, but he's old, plays for a bad team, and has a new coach that loves to run the football. Evans(old), and Garcon(underachieving), have their problems as well.

Playoff Prediction: #4 seed, wildcard. I love Diesel's team, and I think he will end my two year reign as points champion, but fantasy football is at least 70% luck, and although "Diesel" is certainly not an appropriate nickname for a tall skinny white boy, "Lucky," would be even more ill fitting. He will lose a handful of games as the #2 point scorer for the week, and make the playoffs as a wildcard.

LYNN

"100% Arbitrary"

 In fairness, this was actually the second result in Google Images. But the first was just a picture of a computer motherboard, which is neither appropriate, or appropriately absurd. This one however, pretty much sums up Lynn's  foray into fantasy football.

Strength:  QB. Lynn probably has the third best QB tandem in the league behind Travis and Diesel.  It's hard to argue against Manning and Roethlisberger. But Manning is coming off of offseason surgery, and one never knows when Big Ben will fall off his motorcycle and rape some sorostitute while stroking his caveman beard. So this a fluid situation...which is exactly what Big Ben said to the girl he raped after vomiting and jizzing on her at the same time.

Weakness: RB. Mike Turner is getting old, but still has potential. Deangelo Williams is also a stud, but he plays in a committee on a shitty team, and I actually think Knowshown could be really great this season. So why do I think that RB is Lynn's weakness. Because those three are literally all he has. His entire bench is composed of WRs...literally. Including the retired Randy Moss and fantasy super-stud Chaz Chillens. Yes, this is because he left the draft early so we decided to punish him, but the fact remains that they are still on his team. If this were Lazarus, or Murphy, or anyone else who is active midseason I would say three solid RBs is enough. RBs can always be found on the waivers later on, but this will ultimately doom Mr. Percival.

Playoff Prediction: #12 seed, miss playoffs. On paper, as of right now, I don't think Lynn has the worst team in the league, that honor belongs to either Chris or Murphy. But both of those owners have something that Lynn doesn't, mid-season testicular fortitude. Unless he is stricken with Super AIDS and forced to sit at his computer the rest of the season, Lynn is unlikely to be an active waiver-wire and trade participant, which will ultimately doom him to possess the women's basketball trophy of shame.

CHEWBACCA DIVISION

JOSH

"Raleigh Sir Walters"

 This is one badass picture of Sir Walter Raleigh. Why? Because even though he clearly has a sword he could be brandishing, he instead chooses to carry a whoop-ass stick. He's got his left hand on the sword just in case you try any monkey business, but he's letting you know that he would prefer to beat you bloody with a plain ol' stick.

Strength: RB. While I'm down on AP this year, because I think the Vikes will suck, he's still AP. Forte is always good for at least 15-20 points, and Mark Ingram is gonna be a TD machine for New Orleans. Plus, CJ Spiller could have a breakout year for a Bills team that might have nothing to lose, and Jerome Harrison and Jamie Harper have tremendous upside behind an injury prone Best, and an injury waiting to happen in the holdout Chris Johnson.

Weakness: WR. Mario Manningham as your #1 WR? Ouch. I've already stated I hate the Giants this year, and Not So Super Mario isn't even their #1 WR. I like Anquan Boldin as a solid #2, but Lee Evans is gonna steal a bunch of catches from him this year. But it's okay because backing them up Josh has Roy Willams (When is the last time, if ever, he was a quality fantasy player), and James Jones (He's a 4th string WR, and barely making the team at this point)

Playoff Prediction: #1 seed, division winner. By no means do I think Josh's team is the next coming of ...well me, I guess. My favorite team is definitely Diesel's. But Josh has something Nick Elkins seemingly never will: Luck. This is the last year of his coveted Brees/AP combo, and he's the only person who is going to have to abandon both his keepers next year. I am predicting he goes out in a blaze of glory, only to have a Davesque season in 2012, winning all of two games.

CHRIS

"Mendnen the Cassel" 

 The fuck? I mean that's pretty and all, but what does that have to do with.... oh yeah Chris misspelled the name of his team that didn't make sense anyway, so this picture shouldn't make sense either. I mean, pathetic spelling aside, what does "Mending the Castle" even mean? Is the castle made out of fabric? Are the ramparts in need of a suture? I see what you were trying to do there, continue with your theme from last year of using the names of your players in your team name, but you can't force it like that. I suggest you trade for Jaguars tight end Marcedes Lewis and rename your team Marcedes Benson. See how easy that was?

Strength: RB. Man, I had a really hard time finding one really solid position on Chris' pathetic excuse for a fantasy team. I mean, he's got some pieces here an there, but I can find a player I hate at every position. But I do love the shit out of Rashard Mednenhall this year( Yes I misspelled his last name. Why? Because as of writing this, Chris is officially the only fantasy owner to ever misspell his fantasy team name. I mean, really Chris? I mean yeah if you named your team the Double Bacon Rothelisbergers, maybe I could forgive this, but I mean, come on man.) I also love the really late grab of Jonathon Stewart. But my love for those two picks is countered by my absolute disdain for both Ahmad Bradshaw (crappy team, average player) and Cedric Benson (crappy team, crappy player)

Weakness: TE. While I could pick on his QB tandem of Bradford & Cassell (These two would probably combine for more wins this year if they were a law firm.) Or I could point out the fact that Jeremy Maclin has fucking cancer, or that he picked the wrong Mike Williams that plays WR. But instead I'm gonna go with the starting tight end that isn't. Aaron Hernandez is the better choice for the Patriots, and he ultimately will be the better TE than Gronkowski, and even if that doesn't happen this year, Belicheck will probably just employ his maddening, every-other game plan for the two. Ask Nick Lazarus how that worked out for him.

Playoff Prediction: #8 seed, miss playoff. I could easily pick Chris to finish dead last with how much I hate his team, but instead I'm going with the trend here and picking him to finish 8th and lose to me in the playoff loser game to secure the 6th pick in the draft for the third year in a row.

TRAVIS

"Primanti Bros."

All I have to say is, sandwiches like that make me wish I was still fat.

Strength: QB. Duh. Brady has by all accounts looked better than ever this offseason, and Rivers just gets better and better each year. I am a little concerned with his lack of a QB3. It's a bold strategy, but Rivers has never been hurt, and what are the odds that Brady goes down like that again? So it's probably not really a concern.

Weakness: RB. It was hard to find a true weakness on Travis' team. I actually like all three of his running backs, but they all have big question marks. S-Jax is old (See, yet another RB who wasn't quite good enough for the full acronym), Best is injury prone (BTW, I think the Lions are an intriguing team this year. They have the potential to be an absolutely explosive offense this year, but all three of their weapons are injury prone. A broken bone here, a muscle tear there, and you're looking @ Shaun Hill, Nate Burleson. and Jerome Harrison. Now that's a potent offense!), and Marshawn Lynch has gold teeth and plays for the Seahawks. I don't know if having gold teeth necessarily makes you a shitty fantasy player, but it sure isn't helping.

Playoff Prediction: #6 seed, wildcard. Travis's team is probably good enough to be the best in the league. I predict V-Jax will be the #1 WR this year ( Maybe even good enough that we can just call him VJ), Lance Kendricks is a great sleeper TE, and Travis is good enough on waivers to overcome the fact that his currently putrid bench. Really, Willis McGahee? That's so 2009. But I ultimately think he will suffer from his always tough division, and will just barely make the playoffs after constantly making the wrong decisions on who to play week to week like he always does once Jahvid Best goes down for the year.

MAC

"He Should Have Played Baseball"

 Hank Aaron, of course! Just so you know Mac, an image of Tony Romo didn't even appear on the entire first page of results. Which means even Google Images didn't get your pathetic excuse of a joke. What is it supposed to mean anyway? That if Tony Romo had played baseball instead, you wouldn't have to have him on your team? I'll gladly trade you Colt McCoy for Romo if he disgusts you that much. Why don't you just grow a sack of testicles (That's right not just a pair, but an entire sack), and name your team "I have a tiny wiener" That would show humility, humor, and humongous testicular fortitude. Oh, and welcome to the league.

Strength: QB. If there is one thing you should glean from reading this blog post it's that Jason Hepler hates the NY Giants this year and loves him some Dallas Cowboys. Tony Romo will be a beast this year, flinging it to the stellar trio of Austin/Bryant/Witten like a dealer slings balls of rock. I also think Cutler will be better than expected, I think he's got something to prove this year for all that shit he took over his playoff exit. And yes, I'm even gonna praise the pick of Tarvaris Jackson. It is conceivable that with a new coach that doesn't look like Major Dad, a familiar receiver in Sidney Rice, and an absolute beast in Zach Miller, that he could be fantasy relevant this year.

Weakness: RB. This situation could have been a lot worse if CJ2K hadn't finally ended his holdout. So the fantasy train that ran through Greenville, NC will still be chugging full blast. But attached to that engine are two boxcars named Grant and Starks. While on paper it looks like a good idea to handcuff Grant with Starks, but I think this situation will turn into a RB by committee situation sooner rather than later. Owning both running backs in a tandem can be absolutely maddening. If you play one and not the other, the one you didn't play will have the game of his life, and if you play them both the team they play for will have a stinker of a game, and you have wasted two starting slots. I would want no part in that mess. But that's not even the worst part of Mac's running backs. The caboose is Daniel Thomas, a guy who for some reason everyone seems to love. Umm why exactly? Because he's a rookie? Because he plays for a team that is mediocre at best? Because he has fallen flat on his face in camp and the preseason? Because the coaches have openly stated that they want Reggie Bush to be the feature back and that overall they want to throw the ball more? Is it because he is some sort of freak because he is the only famous person named Daniel Thomas? (I mean seriously, how can a guy with such a common name, not share his celebrity with anyone with his name? Try and name anybody else famous named Daniel Thomas) Yeah, I don't know either.

Playoff Prediction: #11 seed, miss playoffs. Luckily for you Mac, the bar has been set pretty low for you. your roommate (Yeah that's right, he's Mike Honea's roomie. Let's all applaud Travis for his exhaustive search to find a replacement.) didn't win a single game last year, and had the lowest point total ever for a team in this league. I can't imagine you can do worse than that. I do honestly think that you drafted a halfway decent team, and might actually be able to compete for a playoff spot this year if you can catch on how to play during the regular season.  If you don't actively tinker with your team mideseason, success is nearly impossible. Play the waivers, make trades, and most importantly, just make sure you are playing a full roster of uninjured players not on a bye week. But nobody has ever made the playoff as a new owner in the league, so you have a historical fight ahead of you. Oh, and periodically I will shit all over your team like this via the blog. But, if you can pull yourself out of the depression that will beset you after you consume the verbal mouth chocolate I spew onto these very web-pages, you might just be able to do it.

Well that's it fuckers, I need a nap and a blowjob after that one. Maybe I'll hire a hooker to felate me while I crawl into bed, that way I can kill two birds with one stone. Yeah, that's the ticket!

Peace Peace See Ya Later,

The Commish