Power Rankings and More!!

First off I would like turn everyone's attention to the left-hand column on this blog page. If you haven't seen it yet, well, 1) you should, it is jam-packed with nuggets of information and 2) you should probably get your eye-sight checked, I mean it's right in front of you, you blind Asian stereo-type fuck.

The top few sections are particularly important because this is the end-all be-all information on the standings and playoff picture for our league. THIS IS WHAT MATTERS NOT WHAT ESPN SAYS. Since I cannot change how ESPN does their playoffs, I have to manually go in at the end of the year and change things to reflect our unique playoff picture that is based on points standings along with divisional championships. So what is written to the left of this sentence is the definitive word on who is or isn't in the playoffs.

This will be updated each and every week without fail, usually late Monday night, as soon as the Monday night game goes final. Even if I slack off with the blog posts and power rankings, (What!? Me slack off with power rankings? No, never happens) the stuff to the left of me will ALWAYS be updated, no matter what.

After the first few columns I have included a lot of history and statistics that we have accumulated over the years. I think this is kind of cool and gives you something to shoot for each week as you try to rewrite your own record books. Oh, and in case you haven't scrolled down in a while, everyone now has an individual history section, including Mac, although his is mostly blank, seeing as it's his first year in the league. Oh and because he has a tiny penis.

I am going to have even more stuff posted up there soon, mostly just historical records, but it'll still be worth checking out. Okay, that's enough housekeeping, let's move on to the good stuff.

Not too much change in the power rankings this week, but I think soon, all that could change. Bye weeks herald in the separation between contenders and pretenders. You can no longer sit back on your drafting laurels and set everything on cruise control. Waivers and trades become even more crucial in order to fill in your holes. (That's what she said)

So, do not give up all hope ye fantasy unfaithful (I'm looking at you Lynn and B-Hall), teams can be built on the waiver wire, just ask Nick Lazarus last year, and my team this year. You two now have a decided advantage of being able to pick at the top of the waivers each and every week, and there is usually a player or two that is quite startable, and might help you actually win a game or two. OR, youould continue to ignore it and just let me and Murphy slowly crawl back into the playoff picture.

On the other end of the spectrum, owners like Phil and Diesel need to pay attention to waivers before their teams begin to slowly nosedive out of the playoff picture, being held together by nothing but the robust nostril hairs of Aaron Rodgers. BUT, as of right now, none of that matters for the following power rankings, which are based solely on performance to date. But, I'm gonna include a prediction as to what I think will inevitably happen to everyone's team as the bye weeks begin to unfold.

2011 Power Rankings #2

#1. Lazarus: Phil might be the true #1 right now, but his team is too one-dimensional. Lazarus is stacked from top-to-bottom. As long as Stafford can continue to stay healthy, Lazarus will cakewalk into the playoffs and the divisional jacket. And that is all I will say about Nick's fantasy team, because my throat is starting to bleed from all this vomiting.

#2. Phil: Speaking of resting on the hopes of your QB's health, if Aaron Rodgers were to ever go down with injury, Phil would crash faster than Oprah in a cupcake shop. I mean take a look at his team this week, he's playing a backup RB (Ronnie Brown) and a declining WR (Nate Burleson, who's scored 2 points in 2 weeks) But Phil has a history of having luck shooting out his ass, and even in this dreadful, bye-ravaged week, he will still probably win because he's playing B-Hall, who's team is being held together by duct tape and jizz right now.




#3. Dave: Yes, that's right, a quarter into the season and Dave is one of the top three teams. I am as shocked as you are. Eli Manning has been better than expected, Fred Jackson has been a surprise beast, and somehow, even though the Chiefs suck complete ass, Dwayne Bowe keeps getting double digit fantasy points each week. But Dave is not exactly a student of the fantasy game and will inevitably start to crash during the bye weeks. I still am holding out hope for his sake that he can sneak into the playoff back door, but I think it will be close.

 #4. Diesel: It amazes me that Diesel is still undefeated and 4th in the points standings. His team is so damn streaky. There is not a consistent fantasy performer among them. One week they go nuts, the next they fall flat on their face. But I guess they have just cobbled together the right amount of points each week to make Diesel win. But, like his brother, the younger Elkins is not known to be a waiver-wire guru and his team will inevitably suffer, because unlike his brother, he is not lucky, and will probably somehow lose to Lynn this week, when Peyton Manning comes off the bench and necks his way across the goallline.



#5. Travis: I feel like a broken record when talking about Travis' team. Brady. Rivers. Brady. Rivers. Until Travis produces any other player that is better than mediocre, it's always going to be the same old song and dance. But those two are good enough to carry a team into the playoffs, which Travis will inevitably do. I will however give props to my bro for his prediction that Willis McGahee would be a fantasy factor this year. I kinda lambasted him for that one, and so far it looks as if I am dead wrong.

#6. Josh: I'm also gonna have to give Josh props for his Mario Mannigham love, he's scored 10 points all four weeks so far this year...oh wait, that's 10 points TOTAL through four weeks. Yeah as much I was wrong about McGahee I was so right on not so super Mario. But Josh got the luckiest pick of the draft of this year with his Cam Newton steal and Matt Forte has been a beast along with the consistent production of Brees. I would be surprised if he didn't make the playoffs, but he's not the shoe-in that he was at the beginning of the year.



#7. Chris: Now it starts to get ugly. I feel there is a significant drop-off after Josh in the power rankings. Chris's team scares nobody. I'm not saying it's the worst team I have ever seen, but there really isn't a player that strikes fear into the hearts of fantasy defenses. His #1 pick Bradford has been a huge disappointment, and his RB keeper can't get blocking to save his life. He does have however, that guy from Harvard and some good WRs. By the way, I think I will give you a bump in the power rankings if you change your name to the Fighting Fitzs. As for your prediction? The same as always. you will finish with the worst draft pick of non-playoff teams. Same as it ever was.

#8. Jason: By no means do I think my team is back. I have suffered too many injuries and too poor of a draft to recover this season. My goal for the rest of the year is to protect my significant lead in the historical points standings. I am not ready to give that up just yet. My waiver-wire wonders are however, good enough to beat the crap out of Mac, and I don't think Murphy will beat me by one measly Michael Bush yard again, and well Lynn and B-Hall are just plain terrible. So I think I have earned this slightly less crappy spot in the power rankings. If I do somehow make the playoffs, I think I should take over the title of Waiver Wire King from Lazarus, as my current starting lineup is made-up of only 4 players I actually drafted/ kept...in week 4. That gentlemen, is called tenacity. Which is also the name of the NFL stripper pictured to my left.

#9. Mac: While he doesn't seem to have much of a clue about how to play fantasy at this point in his young career as an owner, he does seem to have a knack for being in the right place at the right time. I mean, just about every other owner in the league would have dropped Ryan Torain by now, but his lack of knowledge has garnered him what could turn into a fantasy stud. He also took Wes Welker slightly high in the draft only because he wants to give him a reach-around. But, that is turning into the smartest pick of all. However, bye weeks have a tendency to prey on the weak, and that is exactly what is apt to happen here. I would be shocked if Mac was the first expansion team to make the playoffs.

#10. Murphy: Yay, Arian Foster is back! And thus concludes the good news portion of Murphy's
power ranking. His QB play has been utterly disappointing, his RB play has been somewhat nonexistant other than Foster's one week and Sproles' 10 points each week and he has adopted the strategy of putting all his eggs in the Buc's basket. (When has that ever worked?) He does however have some quality WRs, and I have faith that Murphy will be able to put together some kind of trade and make a late playoff push that will probably fall just short.

#11. B-Hall: Wow, I don't think that if Lynn and B-Hall pulled their teams together they could make the playoffs at this point. Seriously, between the two of them they might not have a starting QB by week 6. Brian is down to Kyle Orton (Could lose his job to Quinn or Tebow) and Kerry Collins (Has lost his job to that curly haired painter) and Lynn is down to Big Ben (Battling a foot injury and a terrible O-line) and Blaine Gabbert (Battling being terrible on a terrible team) Aside from the QBs, Brian's strategy of picking two stud WRs early is paying huge dividends. Oh wait, AJ is hurt and Roddy White is getting killed by Julio Jones' emergence. Steve Smith has been surprisingly good however. Oh any Ryan Matthews is finally emerging as a fantasy force. But unlike Rivers and Brady, Matthews and Smith will not carry a team into the fantasy playoffs. I will seriously resign my position as commissioner if Brian Hall makes the playoffs this year. Sorry buddy, it's just not in the cards this year. That said, please continue to try and at the very least set a line-up each week. I know it's hard to look at your crap-basket of a team every week, but remember, in order to get the number one pick, you still have to have a good enough team to beat Lynn at the end of the year. THAT, is doable....

#12. Lynn: ...with your damn hands tied behind your back, because Lynn''s team sucks even worse. I dare you to find a good player on Lynn's team not named Michael Turner. I guess maybe Julio Jones hasn't been that bad. Oh and his Ravens D/ST has been pretty phenomenal. When your best player is a defense, you know you are in trouble. I don't need to do a prediction for Lynn's team, I knew he was gonna miss the playoffs when he confessed to me in the elevator before the draft that he had done no research whatsoever this year. Maybe next year Lynn, maybe next year.

Okay, that's it for now. Good luck this week and somebody make a trade, its getting boring around here.


Down With OPP,


The Commish

Draft Pics 2010

The subtitle of this post should be, "The Return of Fat Jason"

And yes, I know this a year too late, but I figured now was as good a time as ever. So enjoy you ungrateful fuckers. COMMENT DAMN YOU!!!!

 Here he is, your 2010 White Knight Champion in all his inappropriate T-shirt glory. We aren't drafting college players Josh. Also making an appearance in this picture: LRCB, the worst fantasy football player in the history of our league. Congrats Mike, your ineptitude will never be forgotten.

 This picture sucks. I mean Chris and B-Hall aren't even talking to each other. Chris is staring at Brian's neck while Brian does his best strut to impress all the ladies at the draft. This picture does, however, feature the rolling ladder bookcase. I can't believe I used to live in a house with one of those. Sigh.

 This picture also kinda sucks. But it does have something that none of these other pictures have, Lynn Percival's sexy mother fucking back. And the dueling 50+" Plasmas. Double Sigh.

 This is one badass picture of Dave, if I don't say so myself. I mean, I wanna have sex with him, right now. Unfortunately Murphy is ruining the picture with a back that is not nearly as sexy as Lynn's.

 Chris looking way too happy to be giving Josh the Chewbacca Division trophy. I believe that trophy must have touched him in his special area and he was glad to get rid of it. On the other hand, Josh looks pretty enthusiastic to be touched in his special area by Chewie. Also, featured in the picture: Blurry Diesel. Which sounds like the newest alcoholic energy drink to hit the shelves. 

 Me explaining how the new draft application works to youse guys. For some inexplicable reason I am not wearing shoes. What a fat hobo I am. I'm wearing a tucked-in shirt and tie, shorts and no shoes. I am so fashionable. 

 This is without a doubt the creepiest picture ever taken of someone grilling hot dogs. Murphy your face clearly says, "Come on, you know you want a rim job. Come one, you'll like it I swear."

 If the five of us in this picture formed a band, it would have to be called Fat J and The Blurries. I also forgot I was rocking the faux-hawk that day. I could have been the ugliest man on the planet at that given moment. 

 My bloated face staring at the camera while I present Nick Lazarus with his two-time Divisional Jacket. You fat fat ass, fat fat ass. By the way, Nick,  you look pretty happy to be receiving a jacket that you then subsequently forgot to bring to the 2011 draft. In a career filled with dastardly deeds, that could be your most dastardly ever.

 For having so many people in it, this picture doesn't have a whole lot going on, except Dave looking like he is getting ready to take a cock into his mouth. Oh and if you're wondering I think that's Jacob, my old roommate in the bottom left corner. He is probably rolling a blunt. 

 Dave and I hanging up the Big Board. It kinda looks like Dave is pointing out an imperfection in my wall as snooty-like as possible, as I hang my head in shame for having poor interior decorating skills. 

A POV perspective of someone getting their research on in the war-room. I don't know whose legs those are, but they certainly aren't mine, because there are shoes on the feet. My fat hobbit ass would be barefoot. (I Heart Self-Deprecation) 

 Dave making the very first pick of the draft. This drafting of MJD marked the beginning of Dave's ascension into fantasy relevance.

Josh receiving the championship trophy from Murphy. Why does everyone look so happy to be giving up their trophies? What are you guys doing to those trophies while nobody else is around? You know what forget it I don't wanna know. Seeing as how I will never win one, it doesn't really matter.

 The man, the myth, the legend, the photographer, Phil Elkins. Seriously, mad props to Phil for taking all these pictures. We missed you keen eye at this year's draft. The pictures I took on my phone are crappy and sparse. Here, as thanks, let me open that beer for you buddy. 

Okay, that's all of the 2010 Draft Pics. I only did it this way because I'm lazy, but now that it's done, I kinda like putting up the pictures a year later, it gives us a chance to reminisce. Because we are all little girls.

Saluting Your Shorts,

The Commish