The Finals

The Final Four

The Playoff Picture

With One Week Remaining here are your annual playoff scenarios:

DIVISIONAL SCENARIOS

Travis has clinched the Chewbacca division.
Travis has clinched the #1 seed and a first round bye.

Murphy has clinched the Schlereth division.
Murphy can clinch the #2 seed and a bye if Diesel wins the Gibbs division
Murphy can clinch the #2 seed and a bye if Lynn wins and scores 41 less points than he does
Murphy will clinch the #3 seed with a Lynn win and a score that is at least 41 points less than Lynn

Lynn can clinch the Gibbs division with a win or a Diesel loss.
Lynn can clinch the #2 seed and a bye if he wins the Gibbs division and a score that is within 41 points of Murphy.
Lynn can clinch the #3 seed if he wins the Gibbs division and Murphy scores at least 41 more points than him.

Diesel can clinch the Gibbs division and the #3 seed in the playoffs with a win and a Lynn loss.

WILDCARD PICTURE

Chris is 93 points ahead of the next seed so he has ostensibly clinched the #4 seed if Lynn wins the Gibbs division or if he scores 22 points more than Lynn.
Chris will ostensibly clinch the #5 seed if Diesel wins the Gibbs division and Lynn has a score that is within 22 points of him.

With one game to go, these are the standings for the other two Wildcards as of right now.

#5
Diesel: 1431 points
Mac: (-27 points)
Lazarus: (-62 points)
Phil: (-77 points)

#6
Mac: 1404 points
Lazarus: (-35 points)
Phil: (-50 points)

LOSER GAMES:

Dave has clinched the #12 seed because he is damn awful

B-Hall and Josh are currently tied with 1246 points and 6-7 records for the #11 seed. If the season ended today B-Hall would be the #11 seed because he lost to Josh in the head-to-head. The winner of this battle of futility gets to beat Dave for the #1 draft pick.

Jason is currently the #10 seed, will play the loser of the #1 draft pick lottery, and currently wishes he had never heard of fantasy football.

The two owners currently in the wildcard hunt who fail to make the playoffs will play in the #8 v. #9 game for the #5 draft pick. The world can only hope that Lazarus is in that game.


Okay happy hunting to all of those currently in the playoff picture. I'm gonna go shoot heroin and lie in a ditch,

The Commish

Lynn is Taking This Hipster Thing Too Far

I think we need to hold a Hipstervention for him.

Here Comes Murphy Boo-Boo!

Divisional Power Rankings: Part III

And now we come to the exciting conclusion of our three part series with the surprisingly best of the bunch; The Gibbs Division. We all know that Phil and Diesel consistently put forth solid fantasy teams, but the real shocker this year has been the one in the pink that is Lynn, and the two in the stink that is B-Hall.

B-Hall was my sleeper pick to finally make the playoffs this year, and he is amazingly looking like the worst of the bunch. If Ryan Matthews can get his shit together, he might live up to his preseason expectations, but even without him he is still a formidable foe each week.

Lynn has been the biggest surprise due to his apathetic approach to fantasy football team management. But RG3 has been an unstoppable fantasy force this year, and his trade with Laz to also acquire T-Rich is looking like a genius move. I can't believe I'm saying this but Lynn could actually be a force to be reckoned with for the forseable future. Imagine if he actually started trying.

Phil will ride his QBs to the playoffs, but he's gonna need more of his crafty trades to secure another solid running back to go with Bush, because RBs are without a doubt the difference between good and great fantasy teams this year...which brings me to Diesel.

Dammit, if stupid Ryan Fitzpatrick keeps playing well Diesel is going to be able to ride that smug smile of his all the way to a championship. His running backs are phenomenal, his WRs are suprisingly awesome, and his TE is the best in the league. His only weakness is the up and down nature of his QBs. But all he will probably need is two good games in a row at the end of the season out of them. Oh, and piece of advice Diesel, you might want to make sure you have a backup plan for Schaub in case you do make it to the Championship, because the way Houston is playing, they are surely gonna be resting starters this year. There, I warned you in Week 5, so you can't complain about the fact that we play into Week 17 this year.

Divisional Power Rankings: Part II

So a few quick things before I get into breaking down the #2 division in our rankings.
- How much does Josh look like Zangief from Street Fighter 2?
- I did not Photoshop those giant watches onto Zack Morris. The 80's did it for me. 
- Screech-Ham might be the greatest mash-up I have ever done
- I want to hump Chris like a dog in heat right now

Okay onto the reason I ranked the division with the #1 team, #2: Josh, Mac and Chris. While Travis' powerhouse of a team was good enough to pull The Chewies past the Schlereth's, the collective shitiness of the rest of his division mates was enough to keep them out of first. (BTW, I think it's officially time to rename the Schlereth Division. I was hesitant at first because of my man-crush on the best hair in the business, but I think it's time. So Nick, Murphy, Dave, I am open to suggestions)

So why is Travis so good, and why are the rest of his division mates so bad? Look no further than the running back position. Travis has the best running back depth in the league and Chris, Mac, and Josh have no more than 1 solid running back. I think ChrJoMac could pool their teams together and still not have the running back depth that Travis has.

Divisional Power Rankings: Part I

Ugh! Well it ain't pretty but at least it's tight. No, that's not what I said to the Thai hooker I slept with last Tuesday, that ladies and gentlemen, is the outlook of the once mighty Schelerth Division. The four owners in this division also hold the four worst records in the league right now. Luckily for us, week 5 is a divisional week, guaranteeing two wins for the division...as well as two losses. Yeesh!

While it's very clear that this is the worst division in the league right now, what's not coming into focus is which of these turds of a fantasy teams is a nice uniform and beefy brown, and which is the slightly yellow nut and corn crunch in the bowl. As of right now, all four teams are tied at 1-3, are seperated by a mere 14 points, currently occupy the 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th spot in the points standings, and over the last two weeks, the team in last place has moved to first place.

So what's the biggest problem with this division? #1 draft picks. If you don't count my no-brainer pick of Brees, and defer to my #2, Julio Jones has been woefully inconsistent. He has two weeks with a combined 4 points, and two weeks with a combined 36 points. Josh Freeman hasn't been terrible for Murphy, but his extreme averageness,(12, 15, 6, 13) combined with who he passed up to draft him (AP, Charles, Flacco, Dalton) is making that pick look pretty terrible.

While Laz's trade-down to get Doug Martin started off looking solid (11, 12), over the last few weeks, his production has nose-dived (7, 3). And then we come to Dave. Sadly, Dave's #1 pick of Andy Dalton is looking like the best pick of the division. his statline (3, 32, 34, 23) has been downright remarkable. this pick could skyrocket Dave to the top of the division and he could ride the momentum all the way.....oh wait, Dave dropped Dalton after one week in favor of keeping Tim Tebow on his team. Ouch!

PreSeason Power Rankings!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen and Lazarus here it is, your first annual power rankings of the 2012 season. YAY!!! I know you all have been sweating through your undersocks for this one and I don't blame you. If last year is any indication these power rankings will determine who makes the playoffs this year. Oh, what's that doubting Thomas? You don't believe me? Let's go to the videotape!

2011 PreSeason Predictions         2011 Final Standings
1. Josh                                             1. Josh
2. Laz                                              2. Laz
3. Phil                                              3. Travis
4. Diesel                                          4. Diesel
5. Dave                                            5. Phil
6. Travis                                          6. Dave
7. Jason                                            7. Murphy
8. Chris                                            8. Chris
9. B-Hall                                          9. B-Hall
10. Murphy                                      10. Lynn
11. Mac                                            11. Jason
12. Lynn                                           12. Mac

OK, so I cheated a little bit and these final standings are based on what happened in the playoffs and loser bracket, and my predictions were actually for final regular season standings. BUT STILL, I nailed every playoff team before a game was even played.

Since I was creepy accurate with my final standings predicition let's take a look at what other predictions were scary accurate.

JASON: "Reggie Bush will probably tear his ACL at some point," It was Jamal Charles but still.

LAZ: "Nick will win the Schlereth Division for the third time in four years, mostly because of the weakness of the division, and not because of his inevitably paltry points finish. Fuck my life." Yup.

DAVE: "You heard it here first, Dave will make the playoffs for the first time, and all the original owners in the White Knight will have made the playoffs at least once, and Brian Hall will dethrone Dave as statistically the worst fantasy owner in the White Knight." Yessir.

MURPHY: "He will find away through the waiver wire and trades, to make this team somewhat respectable."  Murphy had a great trade to acquire Peyton for 2012 and just missed the playoffs.

PHIL: "But we play in essentially a 2 QB league and not having a reliable #2 matters. Phil instead opted to go with his old reliable strategy of just drafting whoever the hell the Titans have at QB."
I don't think anything could have stopped Lazarus the week Phil played him in the playoffs, but a solid #2QB would have at least stopped the bleeding a bit.

B-HALL: "David Garrard is on a bad team centered around MJD... Mark my words, he will not start all 16 games." Garrard hasn't played in a single NFL game since I said that.

DIESEL: "He will lose a handful of games as the #2 point scorer for the week, and make the playoffs as a wildcard." Diesel was last year's point champion and although he had a solid record(11-3) he barely beat out Phil for the division.

LYNN: "one never knows when Big Ben will fall off his motorcycle and rape some sorostitute while stroking his caveman beard. So this a fluid situation...which is exactly what Big Ben said to the girl he raped after vomiting and jizzing on her at the same time."  It didn't happen, but I just wanted to point that out to the Pulitzer Prize nomination committee.

JOSH: "CJ Spiller could have a breakout year for a Bills team that might have nothing to lose" It took a F-Jax injury at the end of the season, and by that time he wasn't even on Josh's team, but it did happen.

CHRIS: "Aaron Hernandez is the better choice for the Patriots, and he ultimately will be the better TE than Gronkowski" Did I say that would happen in 2011? I meant 2012....I hope.

TRAVIS: "But I ultimately think he will suffer from his always tough division, and will just barely make the playoffs after constantly making the wrong decisions on who to play week to week like he always does once Jahvid Best goes down for the year." Just ignore the first part of that sentence.

MAC: "But that's not even the worst part of Mac's running backs. The caboose is Daniel Thomas, a guy who for some reason everyone seems to love. Umm why exactly? Because he's a rookie? Because he plays for a team that is mediocre at best? Because he has fallen flat on his face in camp and the preseason? Because the coaches have openly stated that they want Reggie Bush to be the feature back and that overall they want to throw the ball more? Is it because he is some sort of freak because he is the only famous person named Daniel Thomas? (I mean seriously, how can a guy with such a common name, not share his celebrity with anyone with his name? Try and name anybody else famous named Daniel Thomas) Yeah, I don't know either." What a great rant that was, also a great prediction. 

Yeah. yeah I hear you Chris, I also got a lot of predictions wrong. Gronk being bad, Hillis and Hightower being good, that Eli Manning and the Giants would be terrible, blah blah blah, nobody cares. You don't want to hear that your idol has backne, only that he has abs of steel, so I won't dwell on my faults, instead let's get to the:

2012 POWER RANKINGS 

and 

2012 SCARY ACCURATE PREDICTIONS 

#1: Lazarus

Prediction #1: Laz will finally break through and be Top 3 in Points at the end of the year

Prediction #2: Now that he is finally married, Christina will officially own half of his team, giving him the patience to not abandon all hope by Week 3 and dump all his player on waivers. 

"Was that as good for you Matt as it was for me?"

Prediction #3: On the brink of divorce in Week 8, Christina relents and Nick dumps Hunter, Wilson, and Taiwan Jones in favor of Shaky Smithson, Michael Floyd, and Randal Cobb. He then trades B-Hall:  Doug Martin, Brandon Lloyd and Jake Locker for Alex Smith, Andre Johnson, and Antonio Gates. He then sighs, lights a cigarette, reaches for his "dirty" washcloth, all while Christina makes him a Rum-Ham sandwich. 

Ahhh, now I know why Phil loves Sanchez so much

#2: Jason

Prediction #1:  I will finally win the Schlereth Division.

Prediction #2: I will nervously eat my way back to Fat Jason status during the playoffs, not being able to handle the two weeks off from fantasy football that comes with having a first round bye.

Prediction #3: Nick Foles will start more games for me than Mark Sanchez will for Phil 

Did you Wiki that shit yet?

#3: Murphy

Prediction #1: Ben Tate will score more points on his bench than either Kevin Smith or Mikel Leshoure scores in his starting lineup.

Prediction #2:  Murphy will stalk Arian Foster, going so far as to fly to Houston and sleep in the bushes outside the RB's house. He will then pull a Yolanda Saldívar, (Wiki that shit) and slash Foster's achilles, because he is now insane from having to pick between him and Ben Tate every week

Prediction #3:  Kevin Kolb will be on Murphy's team by Week 4

#4: Mac

Prediction #1: It is finally revealed that Mac didn't skip out on the draft early to go out on a date with his girlfriend, he skipped out to go on a date with a large hairy man named Ralph who was secretly giving him fantasy advice, leading to a great draft for Mac, in exchange for one romantic evening and 3 HJs to climax.

The suit and smile says, "Trust me" The creepy moustache says "Run Away"

Prediction #2: Brandon Weeden doesn't start a single game for Mac, unless Romo and Rivers quit football and hit the road as a Martin and Lewis style comedy duo.

Prediction #3:  Mac takes his team name a little too seriously and gets Rum-Ham induced alcohol poisoning in Week 7. B-Hall visits him in the hospital and in his weakened state, Mac makes a lopsided trade with Brian that ends up blowing up in B-Hall's face and propels Mac into the playoffs. 

That smile says, "Championship"

#5: Phil
Prediction #1: Aaron Rodgers breaks his hand in Week 4. Out of desperation, Phil and I team up and start performing illegal back alley abortions in order to procure enough stem cells to grow him a new and improved super hand. Rodgers then throws for 6,000 yards, obliterating all passing records and then is sent into the past to protect John Connor and prevent the robot apocalypse.

Prediction #2: Phil bucks tradition and renames his team by Week 2 after 1) RGIII is lost for the year with a torn bicep and 2) Phil realizes that a better name for his team would be Revenge of the Nerds considering his starting lineup consists of guys named Isaac, Reggie, Larry, Percy, Vernon, and two Pierres. (Sidenote: What's up with the Elkins' and Frenchmen? Last year Diesel owned both of the Pierres and this year Phil does. Maybe Dave is right and they are secretly anti-American Socialist informants for the frogs.

Prediction #3: Phil makes a four team trade with Murphy, Diesel, and Dave in order to secure the other three Redskin RB's completing his monopoly and making it so that his hotels and houses are now worth twice as much. Phil Does Not Pass Go. Phil Does Not Collect $200. Phil Goes Directly to Mike Shanahan Running Back Hell

#6: Diesel

Do not fuck with Taxi Driver Diesel

Prediction #1: After crying his eyes out upon seeing that he was ranked this low in the power rankings, Diesel starts lifting tiny weights and scowling in a mirror, while saying "You talkin' to me," preparing for the moment where he goes postal on the league and holds a gun to his computer demanding a higher power ranking. Once he realizes that the computer doesn't negotiate with terrorists, he drops the gun, slouches and resigns himself to a mediocre season.

Prediction #2: LeSean McCoy gets seriously injured this year. I have nothing funny to say about this, I just think it's gonna happen.

Prediction #3: Jimmy Graham finishes the season as the #1 fantasy player...in a PPR league. Thus begins Diesel's campaign to turn our league into a PPR league. Once I shut that notion down because I am Commish and I hate PPR, Diesel once again sighs, puts the gun down, and goes back to watching reruns of Lizard Lick Towing and eating large bowls of Ramen Noodles, his spirit officially destroyed.

#7: B-Hall

Prediction #1: B-Hall will be one of the top 3 teams going into Week 10, almost assuring himself of his first ever trip to the playoffs.

Prediction #2: B-Hall will lose Andre Johnson, Miles Austin, and Kenny Britt to injuries in Week 11.

B-Hall's Future

Prediction #3: B-Hall will freak the fuck out in Week 12 because he is now forced to start Davone Bess and some dude he picked up off waiver wires named T.Y. Hilton. This will then prompt a classic Brian Hall overreaction trade where he will get rid of Matt Ryan and Andre Johnson in favor of Nate Washington. Matt Ryan will throw for 6 TDs in Week 12, AJ will make a miracle recovery and play Week 13 and Nate Washington will amass all of 75 yards the next four weeks, pushing Brian into a tailspin and out of the playoffs. Brian will quit fantasy football forever and chug a bottle of Jim Beam sending him into the Swoop to end all Swoops. He will regain consciousness three days later with grannie panties around his ankles, a half-eaten box of dougnuts in his hand, a three-legged dog licking his partially shaved testicles, and an absurdly grotesque midget nuzzling his left pec. He will groggily rub his eyes, stretch and think to himself, "Hey at least I'm not in jail"

He is also a much better dancer

#8: Josh

Prediction #1: Every time Josh opens up his team page to make changes or to pick up players, he will become too distracted with how good he looks as a 16th century nobleman and will ultimately forget to make any changes, losing enough games for him that he is misses out on the playoffs, only to somehow win it again next year.

Prediction #2: Torrey Smith's week by week stat line will look like this at the end of the year: 15, 2, 20, 1, 18, 3, 32, 0, 12, 11, 1, 2, 14, 7, 35, 2, 7.5 Yeah that's right, 7.5. Somehow Smith and Anquan Boldin will simultaneously catch a 10 yard TD pass, and each player will be awarded half points, thus ending a maddening season of being a Torrey Smith owner.

Prediction #3: Terrell Pryor will take over as QB for the Raiders mid-season. Al Davis's zombie will then rise up from the grave and walk the sidelines again at Raiders games. Sadly, he will look better as a zombie than he did when he was alive.

#9: Lynn

Prediction #1: Randy Moss will actually be a relevant factor in fantasy this year, making all of us look stupid for drafting him for Lynn after he left.

Lynn saw this 'do in the latest issue of "Hipster Weekly" He had to have it.

Prediction #2:Danny Woodhead will not. Still, he will sit on Lynn's bench all year rotting away because Lynn thinks that a waiver wire is a trendy belt that would match the metal in the rings of his unlaced shoes.

Prediction #3: Lynn brokers a trade with Dave to give up RGII in exchange for MJD. However Lynn will insist that this heavily acronymed trade will only be valid if Dave signs the contract Lynn has drawn up for it. Dave, chomping at the bit to get his hands on the numeric Redskin, will hastily sign the document not realizing that Lynn has buried in legalese a deal that will send Lynn all of Dave's first round picks for the next 10 years in the event that MJD doesn't get Lynn into the playoffs. HE won't, and Lynn will then hipster lawyer his way into fantasy relevance for a decade.

#10: Travis

Prediction #1: Neither Russell Wilson nor Marshawn Lynch will start every game for the Seattle Seahawks this year. This will drive Travis batshit crazy prompting him to transfer to a fantasy league in Wisconsin out of frustration.

Can't stop the Gus

Prediction #2: Travis will change his name mid-season to "Hand-cuffed," because AP, Wilson, Lynch and McGahee are all gonna struggle to be every week starters and Travis' lack of the backups for ANY of these players will force him to stage a protest where he handcuffs himself into a field goal post in Seattle demanding that Robert Turbin be exiled to a desert island. Gus Ferrote will then be called in to headbutt Travis till he removes himself from the goalpost

Prediction #3: Jahvid Best will return to the field in Week 8 and have the game of his life. However in the 4th quarter Best will suffer yet another concussion. Best will still report to work next week and suit up, for the Pistons. Jahvid will score 35 points, 13 rebounds, and 7 assists all while thinking he is playing football. All this will be irrelevant because Travis won't have started him in either sport.

I take it back. Dave, that beard is stellar.

#11: Dave

Prediction #1: Tim Tebow will score more fantasy points than Mark Sanchez. And then Phil will finally admit that he isn't yet ready for the fantasy big leagues.

Prediction #2: MJD's patchy, preteen beard will inspire Dave to also try and grow a patchy, preteen beard. He will look like a high-school LARPer coming off a 7-day World of Warcraft bender

Prediction #3: Tim Hightower, who currently isn't on an NFL team, will still be on Dave's team by Week 3. And Dave will finally admit he isn't ready for the fantasy big leagues.

I have so many mixed feeling right now

#12: Chris

Prediction #1: The tandem of Ray Rice and Gronk will outscore the entire rest of Chris's team in 12 out of 17 weeks. Maddened by this, Chris will bench all of his other players out of frustration one week. He will beat Dave that week.

Prediction #2: 4 of Chris's current bench players will not be on his team by Week 3. Seriously...because they are terrible players and he could drop them all right now and NOBODY would pick them up off waivers. WHY IS MIKE GOODSON ON YOUR TEAM??

Prediction #3: If by some fluky miracle reason Chris actually wins the league this year he will use the winnings as a down-payment on his sexual reassignment surgery after finally realizing he looks better as a woman. 

So there you have it folks. All of you ranked outside the top 6 should just go ahead and pack it in and start creating a fantasy WNBA league because as we all know, my predictions are gold. 

Peace Out, 

The Commish

The Commish's Doghouse

So let me just start off by saying a thank you to everyone for making this year's draft the best ever. In the fifth ever installment of the White Knight draft, I think everyone is finally starting to come into their own as intelligent fantasy owners and I must say that the picks in our draft would rate up their with many "expert" drafts.

I have participated in a few other drafts, and after doing so, I think I might have to stop being so hard on Lynn. Some of the other owners I have drafted with make Lynn look like Matthew Berry. What's that Lynn? Matthew who? Sorry, I take back all my compliments.

Okay, now that the praise is behind me it's time to start dolling out the hate by the bushel full. PEOPLE, we are less than a week away from the start of the regular season and only three people in the league have changed their team name and/or updated their profile picture. That's only 25% of you, and that's including me in that analysis. Take me out of the equation and you guys are hitting a success rate smaller than Ron Paul's bid for the Republican Presidential nomination.

So it's time to doll out the hate and bash on you pathetic excuses for fantasy owners. And what better way to do that than with FANTASY DOGHOUSE TIERS!!! I know how much you love my tiers, so I'm going all retro on your asses and incorporating them into my scathing editorial on your lack of passion for your fake football team.

However unlike the ownership tiers, you do not want to be in Tier 1, which is reserved for the most petulant of owners in our league and comes with the penalty of, well nothing, but I will give you dirty looks every time I see you, and my dirty looks are more filthy than Kim Kardashian's bum.  So take this as a warning and UPDATE YOUR F**KING TEAM INFO!!!

But, seeing as I'm actually a kind soul under all this curmudgeonly ranting I'm gonna help you all out by including a suggestion for a picture and a team name. I know all of you aren't the creative genius that I am so I'm letting you have these for a one-time only introductory fee of free. But if you use my services again it's gonna cost you a box of Hostess cupcakes and a bucket of KFC gravy. ( NO! Go away Fat Jason! Stop hijacking this blog post. Eat a damn carrot for once and leave me alone. What's that? No, I don't have any carrot cake, leave me alone I'm healthy now)

FANTASY DOGHOUSE TIERS
(Note: To use any of the pictures I have created for you as your team picture simply right click the picture and open it in a new window, and then paste the URL into the appropriate spot in your team settings section under your team page)

TIER IV 

(Tier four owners only slightly irritate me. They are owners who either I have low expectations for, have decent excuses, or don't have much to change.)

JOSH
NAME SUGGESTION: Raleigh SirWalters
Being champion comes with certain privileges, one of which is me not getting as mad at you for not updating your picture. Plus, I feel bad for stealing Brees away from you. I'm like the government taking a child away from it's crack addicted mother. It needed to be done, but it's still sad to see it happen. Also, Josh only needs to update his picture, as his team name is tradition and with two championships under his belt, why mess with a good thing?



 


DAVE
NAME SUGGESTION: Teabagging Tebow
I can't get too mad at you, because #1, my expectations for you as an owner are exceedingly low and #2, I'm afraid you will turn me into a chubby frog with your overweight wizardly powers. Plus, you've had the same team name for four years, so in theory all you have to do is change your picture. But, unlike Josh you have little to no success with your previous name so I think it's time for a change. Plus, I need an excuse to force you to use this picture so we can all brighten our day by looking at it every time we play you.



 

MURPHY
NAME SUGGESTION: Ramrod III "Wrath of Kolb"
I'm not gonna pick on Murphy too incredibly bad here because like Josh, former champions get just a little bit more respect on the blog. Plus, his damn laptop has been at my house for almost a week now, limiting how much he can do on the interwebs. He's only been able to look at porn on his phone, so he's had a hard week. (Pun intended). Also, the last time he won a championship I named his team for him, so he could just be waiting for me. If so, well played sir, because this could be the most perfectest team name I have ever come up with, and I came up with Buffalo Phils.

LYNN
NAME SUGGESTION: Lynn Percival, Hipster Lawyer
So, I'm giving Lynn slack because well it's Lynn and my expectations for him are like my expectations for Obama's potential 2nd term. Very small. Plus, I'm really mad at myself for not remembering the team name we came up for him during the draft. (Damn keg of Hoppyum, ruining me thoughts!) PLEASE, if anyone was sober enough to remember what it was I will dedicate an entire post to your sexual prowess, bestowing upon you all the love of the female readership of this blog. For now, I will just pay homage to the most trendiest of downtown lawyers.

TIER III

(Tier three owners are owners I expect a lot more of and whom I am mildly peeved at, because I know they have thought about it, they just haven't pulled the triggers on anything yet, lazy bastards.)


PHIL
NAME SUGGESTION: Washington III, Washington the Third, Washington 3's
Just do it. You know you want to. It's staring you right in the face and breathing it's hot stinky CO2 all down the back of your neck. Whichever iteration of the name you choose, just do it. The only reason I can imagine you haven't pulled the trigger on this is because you finally believe in the curse. Every Redskin you have named your team after has met with unfortunate disaster and you are not willing to play with fire with your QB of the future. If so fine, I have another name you can use, "Washington by Committee", because if Shanahan can't decide on a running back, why should you?

TRAVIS
NAME SUGGESTION: Russell Wilson Athletics
I could probably come up with something wittier involving Tom Brady's name and how you should possibly give him your number and have him call you, but after three years of watching him as a QB at NCSU I am just now realizing this incredibly marketable name. Both his first and last name make athletic apparel. Someone in either marketing department has to be working on this. But whatever you choose, do it now, because Lazarus is making you look like a fool in the dedication department.

TIER II

(Tier two is owners named Chris Carr who keep trying to hide behind this whole, "I just got married" excuse. Laz is getting married in a week and changed his name already, why not you?)

CHRIS
NAME SUGGESTION: Lucky Number Seven
I am pretty pissed at Chris because he is still sporting a team name that has absolutely nothing to do with his current team name. The marriage thing isn't cutting it as an excuse, but I will slightly let you hide behind not wanting to go look at your team after your horrible draft. If that's the case, just copy this name and then quickly paste it in as your team name and close your browser window. No more thought or sobbing required, because this team name sums up your season: Andrew Luck's development, and moving into the #7 draft spot and into the playoffs for the first time in 4 years.

TIER I

(Tier one owners make me madder than a hungry Rosie O'Donnell when she's 10th in line at Krispy Kreme. These owners either have stupid irrelevant team names that make me cringe, or are an owner who I have to scream at every single year about changing his team name.)

DIESEL
NAME SUGGESTION: Charles Schaub Investments
Dude, seriously, change your name. Oh and Clinton Portis is officially retired now so if you change it to some stupid version of South, East or Jerome, I'm gonna change your team name to the "Slightly Erect Penises" and will keep changing it all year till the very end so that your stuck with that name. This way, for the rest of eternity when one looks at the league history from 2012 that will be your name. Oh and the only reason you're getting that name and not the much harsher "Limp Dicks" is because I'm saving that one for....



MAC
NAME SUGGESTION: Rum Ham!
So at first I was okay with Mac's team name last year because I thought it was a reference to Tony Romo's baseball career. Then I realized Tony Romo didn't have a baseball career and I was getting him confused with former Dallas QB project Drew Henson. Then, I find out from Travis that this is some asinine reference to Michael Jordan, which is both outdated, not football related, and an inside joke that nobody outside of Travis and Chris get. This could then be the worst team name in the history of team names. You could have just left that shit the default "Team Barham" and it would be better. AHA! That's it "Rum Ham!" has to be your name. In fact, I am declaring it now. It WILL be your name as punishment for a terrible name last year. While everyone else's names are just suggestions, this one is law. I'm gonna go change your team name right now.....and done. All you have to do now is copy the URL from this awesome picture and you're done. See that was easy wasn't it?



I hope all of you have taken my warnings with the severity they should be taken with and go change your team name/picture. Whether you use mine or not, I want to see everyone's info changed by kickoff Sunday of Week 1....or else I'm gonna give you the horns. And you do NOT want the horns.

The Commish

Draft Central 2012 (5th Anniversary Special!!)

5 years and going strong!! B-Hall is so proud of us!!!

With our 5th anniversary draft being only 4 days away, I wanted to go ahead and share some stuff with all of you to help prepare and enrich your minds for this momentous occasion. In this post I will cover:
-Rule Changes
-Draft Day $$
-What's in Store for the Draft this year
-Accessing the Draft List Before the Draft
-First Time Ever Pre-Draft Rankings!!!!


All this info is important/entertaining so I highly suggest thoroughly reading this post instead of just scanning for your name and references to boobs. So without ado that is further than most, let's begin.

 



RULE CHANGES

Lazarus caught in the act of stealing my fantasy secrets

Ah yes, everyone's favorite time of year, when I announce some seemingly out of the blue changes to what was already a good thing, and everyone eyes me curiously and tries to figure out what I personally have to gain from these convoluted additions. But I promise ya, I always have the league's best interest in mind when proposing rule changes no matter what Lazarus whispers in your ear. For instance, this first rule benefits me in no way whatsoever, but I feel that a lot of people will like it, and it will make things more intriguing.




 {Changing the Waiver Wire}

Okay so this is slightly complicated and somewhat hard to explain, but I'm gonna break it down as well as I can for ya. The way we have always done the waiver wires was simple, yet flawed: every week the order reset due to the inverse order of standings. While this made it easy to tell who was picking when, it gave too much of an advantage to those who started slowly, and those who were winning games were constantly forced to pick from the waiver wire leftovers. Plus, it makes it too easy to just constantly update your roster though drops and adds, de-emphasizing the need for a quality draft.

So to change all that, ESPN offers a way of doing the waiver wire where the standings are set once at the beginning of the year, and then all subsequent waiver week orders are determined by who made claims, when they made them, and how many they made. While complicated, I think this will even out the waiver wire playing field and make waiver strategy more important and overall more fun. To help explain this system let me use an example.

Let's say for the first waiver wire week this is the order:
1. Josh
2. Laz
3. Travis
4. Diesel
5. Phil
6. Dave
7. Chris
8. Murphy
9. Lynn
10. B-Hall
11. Mac
12. Jason

Then, during the first waiver wire the following owners pick up players off waivers:
Josh: 1 player
Laz: 2 players
Travis: 2 players
Diesel: 1 player
Chris: 1 player
Murphy: 3 players
Mac: 1 player

Therefore the waiver order for the next week would be this:
1. Phil
2. Dave
3. Lynn
4. B-Hall
5. Jason
6. Josh
7. Diesel
8. Chris
9. Mac
10. Laz
11. Travis
12. Murphy

Diesel badly needed a drink after all this

So to break it down, Phil, Dave, Lynn, B-Hall, and Jason move to the top of the list because they didn't pick up a player. Lazarus and Travis both move below Josh, Diesel, Chris, and Mac because they picked up two players, while the other four picked up only one. Murphy, although he was 8th last week, moves to last because he picked up three players, more than anyone else.

Okay that should help clear things up. And, as always we will be voting on this, so if you are adamantly opposed, you can voice your opinion at the draft. We will also decide how we want to determine the very first waiver order. (Random, 1st week inverse standings, draft order inverse, etc.) Plus, since I, or anyone else, has never done this way before, we might all as a league decide this sucks and I will change it back mid-season. Now that your head is spinning, let's get to the next rule change which is much simpler.

{The No Tanking Clause}

For some reason, nobody was all too thrilled that I took advantage of the rules and deliberately sat my star players in order to ensure a higher draft pick. In defense, it was well within the rules at the time. anybody else could have done the same thing, Mac started it, and I still had to beat Mac to get the #1 pick. That said, yeah it was some shiesty underhanded shit and I recognize the need for change.

Lynn has a totally different definition of tanking

So from now on we will have a no tanking clause in place. Since it is impossible to make a general rule as to what constitutes tanking, anyone accused of tanking will be reviewed on a case-by-case basis. If someone suspects an owner of tanking, they should just bring the matter to my, Murphy, or Travis' attention and we will review the facts and make a ruling as to whether or not they are guilty.



If found guilty, the tanking owner will then be moved to last place in the next year's draft. Yes, I know this is a somewhat harsh punishment, but let's be honest, we are all gentlemen (even Laz) and now that there is a rule, I highly doubt anyone is going to try and get away with tanking. But, we will vote on this too just in case you hate this idea and want the trickery and deception that comes with tanking to remain a part of the league.

Okay that's it for rule changes, now on to more entertaining matters.

THE DRAFT (Fun Times on a Golf Course!!)

This year the draft will be held at 12:00 PM at Casa de Hepler
7325 Haymarket Ln.
Raleigh, NC 27615

I think everyone who can, should start arriving around noon, and we will get the draft rolling around 2:00. This should give everyone time to arrive, get set-up, grab some grub and a beer, give and receive HJs in the bathroom, and go over the announcements, rules, and regulations

Murphy is way too cool to give little girl Josh a beer

Back by popular demand, I will be grabbing a whole bunch of BBQ, Slaw, Hushpuppies, and maybe some Fried Poultry. I also think a bathtub full of Banana Pudding might have to be in order as well. I will order more than last year this time, as we is some hungry fools, and didn't have nearly enough last year.

I am also going to try and purchase a small keg of some of that fancy beer we all like so that we can all bond over hops and hold hands.


So this means all you have to bring is $$$, a laptop if you want, your phone, and some shoes without laces.

I am still working on figuring out how much the food and beer is gonna cost. I'm shooting for no more than $25 per person. As far as the entry fee, last year we did $40, and tradition dictates that we bump it up to $45, but since we are all out of college now and most of us have fancy jobs or sell drugs, I think we can go ahead and just round it up to $50.

So, in summation: Bring $75 in unmarked bills to my place at noon and I promise I won't break your kneecaps, and instead will feed you beer, bourbon, and BBQ.

PRE-DRAFT PREP

Okay Lynn you can stop reading now, this next part is for fantasy nerds only. Anybody who wants to look at the official draft list that we will be using on Sunday you can find the link here:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AgsLBw2_SvTUdEpHVXBwbzlkeHBhMHlqUFMzU1NTdkE

You might have to sign into and/or create a gmail account if you don't have one. But after that you should be able to view the draft board for this year and get an idea of who is ranked where and start planning out your strategy, at least for the first few rounds. Note that you can't actually change anything in this file, only look at it.

You guys trust me about as much as this toddler trusts Monkey Chris

If you would like, I can create a copy of the draft board for you and post it on google docs so that you can edit it. I can also block it so that nobody but you can see your copy. Not even I can look at what you are doing, so I'll go ahead and squash the conspiracy theories now. But, if you still don't trust me, after five years of competent leadership, I can always email you the excel file if you would like.

Cool, hope everyone enjoys this neat new feature and uses it wisely. If so, the first round at the very least, should go by lightning fast as everyone should have an idea of who they are gonna draft, except for Lynn of course. Okay it's time for what everyone's been waiting for.

PRE-DRAFT POWER RANKINGS

Seeing as how this is already a mammoth post, and I have started to develop some Diesel-level carpel tunel, I'll make this relatively short. And away we go!

One things for sure, if Murphy is in the championship so are the Buffalo Phils

1. Murphy: He's got the #1RB, a dynamic, young, top 5 WR, and Peyton Manning to boot. His draft position is pretty solid and if the first round works out the way he's hoping he's going to be unstoppable. Plus history dictates that this is his year to win, so we might as well just go ahead and fork over our cash now.

2. Diesel: After years and years of bad luck, it appears as though the sun is finally breaking through the clouds for the younger Elkins. He has a top 3 RB, a solid QB, and arguably the best TE, giving him an advantage every week. If he can overcome his late draft pick and uses the new waiver wire to his advantage, he will be a force to be reckoned with yet again.

3. Lazarus: Yeah, he has the second to last draft pick, an overinflated ego, an injury-prone RB keeper, and the new waiver wire rule might just make him cry in pain each week, but as long as he still has Stafford and Megatron he is almost a lock for the playoffs every year. We should all just pray that the Madden Curse still has legs and that Calvin Johnson breaks his.

The Hepler brothers officially have "Bieber Fever"

4. Jason: If Vick can stay healthy for more than 6 snaps a game, which so far he hasn't, my combo of Brees and Vick is going to be hard to top. Really as long as I can stay healthy this year, I'm gonna be good, but that's a big IF, considering that my luck is about as bad as Justin Bieber's chances of making it through a shopping mall with all of his clothes. (Especially one I'm at. I HEART BIEBER!)

5. Josh: It's really hard for me to pick Josh to do all that well, considers he drafts last, and after Travis and Lazarus every round. But Josh is one of the best drafters in the league and always, whether it's luck or intuition, manages to unearth a few gems. I thought he was left for dead this year, losing both AP and Brees, but his miracle in the form of Cam Newton assures he will continue to have success.

6. Chris: He's drafting 6th for the third year in a row and I think he will use his experience in this slot to propel himself to a sixth place finish and just barely squeak into the playoffs. Even if Chris does have what might turn out to be the worst Keeper selection of all time in his potentially backup QB Matt Flynn, he still has top 3 RB Ray Rice and an every week advantage at Tight End.

7. B-Hall: I think Brian will be cruising towards his first ever playoff appearance and then will make a terrible trade with Lazarus, shooting himself in the foot and just miss out on the playoffs for the fifth consecutive year. But if Andre and Ryan Matthews stay healthy and Alex Smith continues his career resurrection, he might just swoop right into the wildcard.

Mac by Round 8

8. Mac: If Chris Johnson can be CJ2K and not CJ0K, Mac has a chance to make the playoffs this year. He's got a decent QB in Romo, a solid WR in Welker and he's drafting #2. But the big question is: at what point does he get so stoned that he forgets what he's doing and drafts Kobe Bryant, can't believing his luck in getting him in round 8, until someone tells him this is fantasy football.




9. Phil: Just like Lazarus, as long as he has Rodgers, he will always be a contender for the playoffs. But the difference between the two, is 2. Laz has Stafford AND Megatron, plus a quality back in McFadden. Phil has a star WR with a shitty QB, and a TE keeper that isn't an advantage every week like Graham and Gronk. No keeper RB and a late draft pick is going to make that 2012 gamble for the playoffs hard to overcome in 2013. Welcome back buddy!

10. Travis: Most likely, if I am to miss badly on one of my predictions, this is probably going to be the one. Travis usually puts together a quality squad year in and year out, and it's hard to imagine him falling out of contention completely. But will Tom Brady be enough to overcome an aging, possibly suspended RB, a fluke, back-to-earth this year WR, and a late draft pick? My sources say no.

Dave's Future

11. Lynn: And now we come to everyone's favorite hipster lawyer. Lynn is really good at being really bad, but not bad enough to finish last and get one of the top picks, leaving him in an endless state of fantasy purgatory. With a holdout WR(Wallace), a rapidly declining RB(Turner), and a rapist(Big Ben) the real question is not will he make the playoffs, it's will he finish dead last?

12. Dave: Luckily for Lynn, he'll still probably beat out Dave for worst regular season finish in 2013. Why do I hate Dave's chances this year? Let me count the ways: 1) He drafts late for the first time ever 2) He has two Keepers holding out, one who still hasn't signed and might now be demanding a trade that isn't happening 3) It's Dave. Let me again applaud you buddy for establishing yourself as a not half bad player last year by finally making the playoffs, but I think you might be in for quite the crash landing after a meteoric rise. I still love you though...and you have a vewy vewy beeg peenis.



Alrightey then it's time to go do Mock Draft #8,345 and scheme how I can arrange to have Megatron's legs broken, so I will bid you ado and good luck on your preparing for the draft. See you in four days bitches!!!

The Commish

This is Why You Don't Make Keeper Decisions At Bars

After running into Matt Flynn at a bar in downtown Green Bay last year, Chris' QB keeper decision was officially nipped in the bud.

While time will only tell whether or not Matt Flynn will make a good fantasy QB, the verdict is already in on one decision he made that night: hooking up with the blond in the bottom of that picture was not wise at all.

A Quick Reminder

So, if you look to the left of this handsomely bearded child you will notice that I have posted everyone's keeper picks, with the exceptions of one keeper from both Phil and Chris. But wait you say, I didn't tell you my keepers yet, you assuming braggart! Well yes, this is true voices inside my head, but if you look at who is picked and who is on your team, and given the current keeper rules, these are all pretty logical conclusions. Chris and Phil are the only owners with choices for their last keeper that I couldn't make any kind of assumption on, because there is about 3-5 mediocre players to be chosen from, and yeah, good luck figuring out that one.

But, if you don't agree with my picks, or would just like to cut off my nose, to spite your face, you can always change them. I'm just doing this so fantasy nerds like me, Trav, and that little boy to my left can start thinking about who we are taking in the first few rounds of the draft. So, if you don't like what I have put up, feel free to call, text, or message board me on what you want your picks to actually be.

Remember though, the actual picks have to be in on August 19th, a week before the draft. Once that date passes, you will not be able to change them, unless the Doomsday clause is invoked, the requirements for which are outlined in the post two before this one. Once all the Keepers are finalized I will post the draft ranking order with keepers omitted so that everyone who wants to can start strategizing. Okay, that's all for now.

The Commish

Lost! (Some More Than Others)

It is sad that we are going into our fifth year of this league, and this many people are without championships. However I predict a light at the end of the tunnel. I will bet a foot long Cold Cut Combo that this is finally the year that someone ends the Murphy-Josh cycle of championships. I also will bet a Meatball Marinara that Chris decides to have sexual reassignment surgery after seeing how hot he looks in this picture.

The White Knight league is brought to you by Subway. Subway...Eat Fresh!

The Commish