Playoff Scenarios

                  Jason off having a meeting with the Fantasy Football Council before the last week

Since our fearless leader is across the world consulting with the fantasy higher council on how they can find new ways to change the rules. As associate commissioner I thought I would update everyone on there playoff chances.

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS 

ELKINS CUP: 

Dr. Terp / Packy: have clinched the Conference because everyone else in his Conference is terrible.

LEAVE IT TO CHEWIE:

Chris: Has clinched the Conference

DIVISIONAL RACES

FOUR GUYS ONE CUP/ NFC SOUTH:

This division is down to the winner of this weeks match up between Jason and Lazarus. which like the NFC South neither team should be aloud in the playoffs.

CLAN ELKINS: 

Dr. Terp / Packy: have clinched the division.

CHEWBACCA!!!:

Chris: has clinched the division.

LEAVE IT TO B-HALL: 

This division is down to the winner of this weeks match up between Matt and Jim.

POINT TITLE

CLINCHED UNLESS THE WORLD ENDS BECAUSE BHALL MADE THE PLAYOFFS:

Chris: 1573 points

NEEDS AN INSANE GAME;

Dr T/Packy: 1431 points (-142)

Jim: 1269 points (-175)

WILDCARD RACE

Because this is done by points, it is impossible to clinch anybody or to eliminate anybody due to miracles occasionally happening. That all said, we can break down everyone's chances based on probability. I have grouped everyone into tiers and placed everyone's points relative to the projected final wildcard spot in parentheses.

IN LIKE FLINT:

Jim: 1398 points (+98)

Matt: 1374 points (+74)

PROBABLY DANCING:

B-Hall: 1347 points (+47)

Diesel: 1345 points (+45)

NOT OUT OF THE WATER YET:

Rum Ham: 1322 points (+22) (+ Final Wildcard Spot)

Jason: 1300 points (-22) (- First One Out)

Rocco: 1198 points (-28)

DOWN BUT NOT OUT:

Travis: 1274 points (-48)

Josh: 1264 points (-58)

Lynn: 1260 points (-62)

ELIMINATED

Sean, Phil, and Dave cannot win their divisions and are too far down in the points standings to have any shot at making the playoffs. Lazarus is only still in contention because his division is terrible so he is playing in the playoffs or the number 1 pick. 

Posted By: Travis     Picture By: Josh

Chris is Still On Top...

...so he gets to dance with cats. However,  Jim is anxiously waiting in the wings to take him down, with Matt lurking around the snack bar filling up on Nachos and Mountain Dew in hopes that his turn will come.

POWER RANKINGS PART DEUX

1. Chris- Is he LUCKy enough to stay on top?

2. Jim- Will BIG BEN strike in time for him to overtake Chris?

3. Matt- CAM he do enough to overtake the juggernauts in front of him?

4. Dr. T/Packy- Will they have enough MANNING power to crack the top 3?

5. B-Hall- Can he FOSTER enough strength to finally make the playoffs?

6. RumHam- DEZ he have enough non-Cowboys to make the playoff push?

7. Rocco- Will making the playoffs every year be his FORTE?

8. Travis- Will he trip over his SHOELACEs at the finish line?

9. Diesel- Is it time for him to sing "Return of the MACLIN?

10. Phil- Will he GORE himself to death when he doesn't make the playoffs?

11. Lynn- Will his shitty team leave him feeling BLUE?

12. Josh- Is he so bad that instead of dropping deuces, he drops TREs?

13-16. 4 Guys One Cup- Will this entire division be relegated to the Fantasy Minor Leagues because they are up a RIVERS, heading WEST, with no safe HARBOR in sight as they enter the GERHART of darkness? (Because that made sense)

Chris has the best team in the league right now...

...therefore you all have to look at this.

Wouldn't mind righting shotgun  in her invisible car. Wink Wink.

Power Rankings

1. Chris- WHY?? Because he is a beautiful wonder woman

2. Matt- WHY?? Because I should have drafted Travis freaking Kelce

3. Lynn- WHY?? Because Rodgers is finally R-E-L-A-X-I-N-G

4. Rocco- WHY?? #6 in points and Foles has been terrible. 

5. Jim- WHY?? Big Ben and his Skittle Cobb

6. Laz- WHY?? DeMarco Muray

7. Diesel- WHY?? Because he isn't terrible after everything that has happened

8. Jason- WHY?? I have good keepers...and that's about it.

9. B-Hall- WHY?? His team isn't that bad, he just is.

10. Travis- WHY?? Because he isn't last in points w/o AP

11. Sean- WHY?? Phil Rivers is on fire. There I said something nice about Sean's team

12. Mac- WHY?? DeMarco Murray is killing his team..should have drafted him.

13. Dave- WHY?? Because he isn't quite as terrible as I thought he would be

14. Phil- WHY?? If the Redskins and 49ers have bad weeks, Phil scores 40 points

15. Josh- WHY?? Dude seriously let someone else pick running backs for you

16. Dr T/Packy- WHY?? They aren't this bad, but they didn't set their lineup this week and got a whopping 35 points. They are in the Commish's doghouse

2014 Keepers and Top Available Players

I hope you all are excited as I am for the draft! It's less than a week away and I can already feel the Dave butt slaps, Lynn's mocking comments, Mac's utter confusion, Sean's visions of women that may or may not be present, and of course Dr. Terps and his musk of bourbon and Old Spice.

So to get you prepped and ready I have provided a list of everyone's keepers, and below that a list of the top available players so that you can get a feel for who to target with your first few picks.

2014 KEEPERS

Jason: Drew Breezy, Gio Bernard, Orange Julius

Nick: Matt Staff, Dougie Martin, Alshon

Dave: Tampa Bay QB 1, Ben Tater, AJ 

Sean: Phil Rivers, Felicia Rashad Jennings, DJAx

Phil: Wacco for Flacco, Alfie, Frenchie Garcon

Diesel: Sammy Bradford, Jamaal Chuck, Ginger Jimmy

Dr T/Packy: Here's My Number Call Me Brady, SJax, VJax

Lynn: Robert Oswald Rutherford Griffin the Third, TRich, CordPats

Travis: All Russell Wilson Everything, All Day, Some Guy Cutler Likes to Throw to...A Lot

Josh: Cam "Pinnacle" Newton, Zac Attack Stacy, Torrey "4th Year Keeper!?" Smith

Chris: Neckbeard, The Veon Bell, Jules Hones

Mac: Homo, CJ0K, Dezzy B

B-Hall: Matty Ice, Andre 3000, Josh "Second-Hand Smoke" Gordon

Rocco: BabyFace Foles, Not My Forte, Hot Roddy 

Jim: Big Ben, Skittles, Some Guy Peyton Likes to Throw To...A Lot

Matt(New Guy): Ginger Andy, Shady, Fitz

TOP AVAILABLE PLAYERS

QB

Peyton Manning

Aaron Rodgers

Colin Kaepernick

Jay Cutler

Eli Manning

Carson Palmer

Ryan Tannehill

Johnny Manziel

Alex Smith

EJ Manuel

RB

Eddie Lacy

Arian Foster

DeMarco Murray

Montee Ball

Reggie Bush

Ryan Matthews

CJ Spiller

Frank Gore

Toby Gerhart

Ray Rice

Joique Bell

Shane Vereen

Stevan Ridley

Bishop Sankey

Pierre Thomas

MJD

Fred Jackson

Darren Sproles

DeAngelo Williams

WR

Calvin Johnson

Jordy Nelson

Antonio Brown

Randall Cobb

Andre Johnson

Keenan Allen

Victor Cruz

Wes Welker

Percy Harvin

Michael Crabtree

Michael Floyd

Julian Edelman

Jeremy Maclin

TY Hilton

Reggie Wayne

Marques Closton

Emmanuel Sanders

TE

Rob Gronkowski

Vernon Davis

Jason Witten

Jordan Cameron

Greg Olsen

Dennis Pitta

Kyle Rudolph

Jordan Reed

Martellus Bennett

2013 Draft Pictures: Part 2: "Group Picture Time!"

The Chewbacca Division
Travis is really happy to have his hands on the trophy
Chris is really happy to have his hand in his pants
Josh is demonstrating his hand-job skills
Mac is impressed

Leave it to B-Hall Division
Jim and Rocco are happy they bought Croakies otherwise their glasses would have fallen off by now
Lynn is silently mocking them, saying in his head, "That was soo 1996"
B-Hall is too busy fuming at me for originally  naming the division B-Hall's Black Hole

Clan Elkins
Phil appropriately wore a NFL jersey to the draft
Packy wore a Belmont shirt, who do not play in the NFL
Diesel wore a Durham Bulls shirt, who do not play football.
Dr. Terps wore a polo shirt, but he looked damn good doing it, so he is excused. 

Four Guys One Cup
Sean and Nick are happy to be feeding Dave.
I am REALLY happy to be feeding Dave.
Dave is wishing we were feeding him something else as he kneals before us.
Oh, and somebody's disembodied hand was also there. 

After finishing demonstrating his HJ skills Josh moved on to demonstrating how good he is at pointing at things. Josh is so damn quick and awesome at this that Phil's camera couldn't quite capture him in motion. 

Phil's camera also couldn't quite capture just how awesome Rocco is at whistling. In this picture, he has just finished whistling the theme to The Golden Girls in the key of C. It was amazing. 

Leave it To Chewie Conference
Why is Lynn the only one on the mantle?
Why is B-Hall facing the wrong direction?
Why is Travis so damn small?

The Elkins Cup Conference
What happened to Dave's body?
Why is Phil spooning Sean?
Why is Packy scared to touch a black man?

The White Knight Fantasy Football League...and our mascot, the giant white "Image Unavailable Sign"

You know what I think about your stupid league?

Lazarus is giving the ceremonial jacket to nobody. Which officially retired the old crushed velvet Schlereth jacket. 

Travis is presenting himself with the Chewbacca trophy. He is also holding up three fingers to let you know how many women he has given genital warts. 

Lynn receiving the traditional inanimate object that marks the winner of Clan Elkins. This year's object was a bottle of Pinnacle Whipped Cherry Vodka. (If you liked the Cherry Whipped Flavor try Pinnacle's newest flavors: BBQ Ranch, Lime-A-Rita, and Broken Dreams.)

Travis presenting the new and improved loser trophy to Dave. His choice for the first ever loser drink? Mike's Hard Lemonade Lite. Otherwise known as Mike's "Semi-Erect" Lemonade.

It would be too easy for me to Photoshop a penis into this picture. 

It would be WAYYY too easy for me to Photoshop a penis into this picture.

Ahhh the walk of shame after male-on-male bukkakes is just adorable

My youngest brother handing the championship to my middle brother. This year he will then pass it on to his oldest brother. Sensing a trend? Will anyone be able break the Hepler cycle? Maybe, but probably not B-Hall. 

Your 2012 White Knight Champion

Coming Soon: Part 3- The Draft!!

2013 Draft Pictures: PART 1: "Pre-Gaming"

Chris is pondering his draft strategy...or he just farted. Hard to tell.

PACKY: See Dad, this here bourbon is called, "Early Times" It's only $10 and it's fucking delicious
DR. TERPS: I love you son. 

"Dammit, I better act fast or my Dad is going to drink all the Early Times"

Sean is either looking up fantasy football stats or he is sexting with one of his lovers

Lynn is definitely sexting with one of his lovers. 

"Oh hey look, I have two new messages from Sean and Lynn!"

"Why is nobody sexting with me right now?"

"That's right. The number is, 919-555-COCK. I expect to hear from you soon"

WE GOT DIIIYYYPS!!!

This is either BBQ or cat food. Either way Dave is going for seconds. 

"Damn. Dave is going to town on that Frisky I cooked up."

This is a picture of Kickers. Don't know why Phil chose to include this. Maybe he has a crush on Rob Bironas.  But really, who doesn't?

A picture of a team with an offensive nickname.  Next year this card will read "Washington Homeless Persons"

So many decisions are about to be made on this table! The only thing we know at this point is that someone will pick a kicker way too early and that B-Hall will make some horrible mistake that will ruin his season. 

"Fuck you Jason. I'm tired of you making fun of me. I'm taking my shit and I'm leaving."

"JUST KIDDING!!!! BTW, I GOT' BEADS AROUND MY NECK! WANT ME TO SHOW YOU MY BOOBIES!?"

Laz is attempting to peak at Chris's cheat sheet, but Chris is on to him.

LAZ: Hey Diesel, what font did you use for your cheat sheet?
DIESEL: Nice try buddy. Just stay over there
DR TERP: Don't be hassling my boy. I will bend you over my knee and spank you good

"OOOOH! Do me next please!"

"Damn, failed again. Maybe if I make myself blurry, I can swoop in and steal somebody's cheat sheet without them seeing me."

"I could have sworn I put my cheat sheet over here."

"He-he-he. I totally stole Mac's cheat sheet and everybody is going to blame Lazarus. "

"Ok guys, I've received some complaints about people stealing cheat sheets.  In response, I'm expanding the league to 20 teams, adding punters, and changing the scoring system to give Giovani Bernard 10 bonus points at the start of every game. Trust me, this all makes sense and it will make us a better league."

I think it is quite spooky that Phil chose to take a picture of this beer glass, and only this beer glass.  Then hours later he accidently broke said beer glass. It's like he knew it was going to happen and chose to leave me with one lasting memory of this glass. That's so sweet of you...and kind of fucked up. 

He-he-he. It was totally me who broke that beer glass. BOOM! Bomb dropped!

"Ok guys, now it's time to go over some rule changes and other stuff nobody will pay attention to and will inevitably call me in the middle of the season about, complaining that I never told them about the changes"

"Man, Jason is so fucking handsome. Those plaid pants really bring out the color in his eyes."

"B-Hall! I told you to stop looking at me like that.  You are in time-out. Go sit in the corner.  I'm the commish, I have that power."

"These kids are so weird. Why am I here again? I'm just going to hide behind this table and sip on this delicious Early Times. Oh yeah, THAT'S why I'm here."

"These damn skinny jeans are really chaffing me right now"

"Man! Lynn's jeans are so tight! White people be crazy."

"Who am I kidding, I'm white as hell.  Wonder where I can get me a pair of those?"

"I am so wasted right now!"

"Shit the draft hasn't even started and I'm already blurry. Not good Jim. Not good."

Rocco licking his lips in anticipation of his first pick.
Travis lurking in the background, ready to prey on the new meat.
Jim...well Jim is trying to sober up.

This is the part where I explained that there are more pictures to come and that this post is the first of three that I will be putting up on the blog in the weeks leading up to the draft. Yeah that totally happened, but as usual, nobody was listening to me.

STAY TUNED FOR PART2: "GROUP PICTURE TIME!!!"