2023 Final Week Chaos

The White Knight draft. 2014 edition.
What a bunch of young, dumb, cool kids and their giant poster.
Ah, good times. Yeah we had a serial masturbator back then, but we also had
a doctor of turtles, and the hitting coach for St. Louis Cardinals. 
That all balances out right? At least that's what I tell my therapist.

 

(In order to save time all scenarios involving points will not be discussed if they fail to be within the Jason Numerical Reversal. The most points scored in one game in league history (208 by Jason) minus the least amount of points scored in one game in league history (28 by Jason). That's 180 points for all you non-math wizards. Hence the Reversal. Get it? 180 degrees? Ha.)

DIVISIONAL RACES

Anonymous Dragon

After spending two freaking hours coming up with all the insane scenarios for this terrible division, it boils down to this:

-Mac wins the division with a win OR a loss by BHall. 

-BHall wins the division with a win, AND a loss by Mac, AND he outscores Mac by 100 points. 

-Lazarus has been eliminated because his luck finally ran out. Also, he kept Miles Sanders. Oof. 

-Chris has been eliminated because he had too much faith in a 40 year olds ankle

I Will Pick Dick

-Jason wins the division with a win, OR a loss by Rocco

-Rocco wins the division with a win AND a loss by Jason

-Dick was eliminated when Murphy was arrested in the Monkey Joe's parking lot. (Ha!)

-Justen was eliminated because he spells his name w/ an E for eliminated instead of I for In Da Playoffs

-Chris is not in this division but just to reiterate how terrible he was this year, he is also eliminated. 

Clan Elkins

-Travis has won the division

-Phil was eliminated because even though he had a beautiful draft, and great year, too much faith in the Washington football organization will eventually haunt you. 

-Lynn was eliminated for sucking in spite of me randomly selecting a pretty great QB in Baker for him.

-Diesel was eliminated because he hasn't changed his team name in like 10 FUCKING YEARS. We get it dude, you're butt hurt that Kyle Shanahan isn't the RedCommanders coach. Brush that dirt off your shoulder girl and change the voodoo.

-Chris is not in this division but he is still eliminated because he kept Kyler Murray knowing that he wouldn't be back playing for 10 fucking weeks. 

Stinky Oinky Buttholes

As insane as it sounds, even with Jim scoring 200 points this week and sitting tied for second for the point title, and Dave barely cracking 80, and sitting at 11th in points, this is the scenario.

-The winner of Dave vs Jim this week wins the division title. Simple as that.

 -Josh and Sean are both eliminated because they didn't record an international pop music smash together where the two of them play piano along side one another and sing about how even though one of them is black and the other is white, they can put their differences aside and be a Fashion Magazine for Black Women and a Bar of Soap. 

-Chris is also eliminated from this division too because he also has a stinky pig butthole. (Sorry, I ran out of things to say about his team because I don't want to do the research on his terrible no-name players to come up with jokes about them)

Conference Championships

These are pretty straight forward so I'll spare you all the turrible, offensive jokes and just let you know that HEPLERS RULE!!!! (and maybe possibly Rocco)

Dragon Dick Conference

-Jason or Rocco will win the conference if they win their division. (So this week Rocco will either win $100 and vault himself into the playoffs to defend his title, or he possibly will be completely out of the playoffs and have absolutely nothing but a chance to win the 5th overall pick. That's sad enough to make anybody's Chubb go limp)

The Elkins' Anus Conference

-Travis has won this. Because he has no life outside of Fantasy Football. And I guess going to Disney World as a grown ass man. And some French bicycle thing. Nerd. 

The Point Title

For the first time in probably ever there are three teams separated by 14 points. 

Travis: 1711

Jason: 1697

Jim: 1697

Phil: 1626 (According to the Jason Numerical Reversal, Phil is also technically still alive for the point title, but outscoring all three of the leaders by 85 points with one of his QBS on bye is pretty damn unlikely. But hey Chris actually won a game this year, so anything is possible.

So I have no idea what we do in the event of a tie at the top here if that happens, which it could. Fight to the death? Naked ramen wrestling? Catch the fish with grandpa? I'm open to suggestions. Email any inquiries to: jasonthecommish@travisactuallyrunsthisleague.com

Wildcard

So for all intensive purposes the following teams have clinched the playoffs:

1) Travis

2) Jason

3) Jim

4) Mac

5) Phil

This leaves three remaining spots in the playoffs. The following teams still have a shot at getting one of those spots.

6) Lynn (1505.5)

7) Rocco (1494.5)

8) Josh (1485.5)

9) Richard (1484)

BHall and Dave are also still technically in the hunt under the JNR, but they are both over 160 points away from Dick so it would be some kind of holy Jesus miracle if they made it. 

NOW HERE'S THE FUN PART (Well not so much fun, but kinda fucked up, which is fun for me)

-If Rocco wins his division he take one of those spots away.

-If Dave beats Jim and wins his division he wins one of those spots. 

So it's possible that three or four teams that are separated by 20 points will be fighting for two or maybe even just one playoff spot. 

So...let's just sit back and watch the fireworks. Oh and thank you for reading this. If you enjoyed this and want me to make more posts leave a comment so that I know you read it. Maybe I'll do this more regularly. Maybe.

-The Commish