Where Am I?

Holy shit, this isn't the live nude midget site I was trying to log on to. What is this website anyway? It's a blog for our fantasy football league? Wow, I don't even remember creating this. Well, I guess as long as I'm here I might as well write something related to fantasy football, specifically our fantasy football league. But I'm not feeling particularly organized today so I'm gonna just rattle off some thoughts, and let you put together the pieces in your head. BOOM! You just got Inceptioned!

Did anyone actually see this movie? I'm convinced that the entire movie even existing is just Leo DiCaprio running through my dreams, while Tom petty plays on a loop.

- Lazarus is finally going to be giving up the divisional jacket to someone else this year, although it won't be me he will be putting the jacket on. Sigh.

- Mike Honea (Lionel Richie Coloring Book to you and me) is officially the worst fantasy football player ever. Double Sigh.

- Once again, I am in the position to win the point title, yet barely have a .500 record. Just in case you're wondering I've finished #5, #1, and #1(potentially), with records of 7-7, 8-6, and 7-7(potentially). Triple Sigh.

- On a positive note, I've arranged for next year's draft to be at our beach house in Emerald Isle next year. It's gonna be an all weekend event and an absolute blast. I will nail down the exact dates much later, but just keep in mind that sometime in August your calendar should be marked with the words, "Three day drunken blur."

 Or, if you're Brian Hall, you could just mark it with the words, "Typical Weekend"

- Speaking of next year's draft, we will be once again tweaking some stuff with the league. Topics include: limits on keepers, the 2 QB rule, playoff seeding, and what to do should the NFL expand to 20 weeks. Plus I'll probably come up with some other inane rule solely to make Josh's brain hurt.

- Dave currently has an 8 game winning streak. In case you were wondering that's currently tied for the longest streak ever. He has a chance to break the immortal Dr. Terps' record from last year, with a win against me. How is that even possible? I'm glad you asked Hypothetical Question Asker. Here they are,

"The Top Ten Reasons Dave is on an 8 Game Winning Streak"

10. Mark Sanchez
9. MJD's return to prominence
8. Fred Jackson's fantasy rebirth for four weeks
7. Murphy's an idiot
6. Matt Ryan and the Falcons are the #1 team in the NFL
5. Dave has given up the least amount of fantasy points
4. Seriously, like 200 points less than anyone else
3. Murphy's an idiot
2. Dwayne Fucking Bowe
1. Murphy's an idiot

- All that said, Dave could break the record and still not even make the playoffs, which means there is a God...and his name isn't Chuck Norris. BOOM. You got joked.

 Question 1: What the hell is this? Question 2: Why the fuck isn't this on my grocery store shelf right now?

- Speaking of playoffs, I bet a bunch of you are wondering what exactly your individual chances of making said postseason event are. So, I'll break down everyone's scenarios and chances real quick like. But before I do just a refresher. The top three seeds are determined by the best records amongst division winners. If there is a tie, overall points is the tie breaker. The three wild cards will be the three highest point scorers who didn't win their division.

- Because of the new wild card system, Lionel Richie Coloring Book and Diesel are the only people who can be 100% eliminated from playoff contention. Man, Diesel can't even win at losing. Any other season and the Diesel would be the #1 draft pick and without a doubt win the loser's trophy. But alas, he can't even get that right. LRCB is blowing him out of the water when it comes to sheer ineptitude.

- I will be using Lazarus as a wild card measuring stick because he is currently the last man in the playoffs on points, so everyone behind is chasing him at the very least. This will mark the first time that Nick has ever measured up to anybody. (Get it? I'm implying that he has a small wiener.)

 

I'm officially getting Nick's girlfriend this T-Shirt for Christmas

GIBBS DIVISION

PHIL
- Phil has handily won his division, and is now just waiting to see which of three top seeds he'll be. A win this week and he's earned himself a bye. Lose and he could still get a bye if he scores 5 more points than Chris, and/or 22 more points than Travis. Complicated huh? Just wait, the shit just keep getting thicker the deeper we dive. (What Sigfried said to Roy)

LYNN/B-HALL
- While mathematically they still have a punter's chance, you can pretty much wipe Lynn and B-Hall off the Bob Ross painting that is our projected playoff picture. (If your life was a Bob Ross painting, what would you be? I would be a happy little tree.) Lynn is currently 134 points back from Lazarus, B-Hall is 170.

 And I want him to paint me using a brush made entirely from his most curly afro hairs

CHEWBACCA DIVISION

- OK the following is kinda complicated, so I'm gonna cut out the jokes. ("I wasn't aware they were ever there." Dave doesn't know it yet, but as I just typed that joke, that thought popped into his head. When he reads this, his mind will be blown.)

CHRIS/TRAVIS
- Whoever wins the game between Chris and Travis, wins the division. That part is simple. The winner can earn a bye, if Phil loses and they have more overall points than him. Phil is currently 5 back from Chris and 22 back from Travis. The loser of the Chris/Travis grudge match has a chance to make the playoffs as a wild card, but it's a slim chance. If Dave wins the Schlereth, those chances virtually vanish. Their only real chance is to pass Lazarus for the final spot. Travis is currently 65 points back and Chris is 82 back.

JOSH
- Josh's record might suck ass, but he's sitting in a good position to make the playoffs and defend his 2009 title. If Murphy wins the Schlereth Division, Josh is in the playoffs, because Travis who is two slots behind him in the points race is an uncatchable 120 points back of him. But, if Dave wins the division, that pushes Murphy into the wild card, and Josh has to fight off Lazarus for the final wild card slot. Josh is currently 54 points ahead of Laz.

-That covers the Chewie division. It's time for a joke break. ("Good. I need a break from these awful jokes." BOOM. Did it again. Dave's mind has just been blown more than his cock in a Thai whorehouse.)

Remember to tuck your penis Trini, this dumb American thinks you're a woman.

SCHLERETH DIVISION

- Now we get to the nut and corn crunch that is the playoff scenario shit we're wading through; the Schlereth Division. This is the division where there is a very real chance that every team in this division could make the playoffs, and is all but guaranteed that 3 will make it. Or as I like to call it, my own personal hell. (I am 12 points back from the point title, and yet 1-4 in the division)


MURPHY
- Murphy wins the division and a bye with a win against Lazarus. If he loses, he can still win the division/bye if I beat Dave. If Dave continues his win streak and Lazarus ruins yet another person's fantasy football dreams at the end of the season, then Murphy will still make the playoffs as either the #4 or #5 seed, and will play me in the first round. I like to call this scenario, "Everyone else in the playoffs dodging a huge bullet."

DAVE
- If Dave wins the division, he will also earn a bye, and could even be the #1 overall seed if Phil loses or if he overcomes the 20 points Phil has on him, if Phil wins. (Man my hands really didn't want to type that sentence on fear that the world would spontaneously combust shortly after.) If Dave doesn't win the division, he is probably out of the playoffs all together, because he would need to make up 107 points on Lazarus, all while passing the loser of the Travis and Chris game in points.

LAZARUS
- You should be able to figure out Lazarus's scenario by now, after reading the previous scenarios. But, my guess is that egomaniac Nick Lazarus skipped all that came before and went straight to where his name was printed in bold. He then masturbated at seeing his name in large bold letters, causing his keyboard to stick, causing him to not be able to put in his 8 weekly waiver moves, garnering him 40 points this week, and pushing himself out of the playoffs. And everything would be right in the world again. (Yeah right, Lazarus getting his karmic retribution has about as much chance of happening as me getting laid tonight.) Bottom line, Nick, just score a bunch of points this week, break Dave's knees, and you're in the playoffs for the third straight year, making you the only owner to never miss the playoffs. You Jew Bastard.

Yes, something like this needs to happen.

JASON
- I'm either the #4 or #5 seed in the playoffs and successfully lived up to my team name this year.

Okely Dokely, that's gonna just about do it. I wish everyone luck this week, except Lazarus of course, and I look forward to seeing you in the wild card bitches! (Get it? It's funny because that's the name of my team. That one was for you Murphy.)

Peace out,

The Commish

Catching Up

I'm alive!!! Yes I know Travis, I've been a huge slacker as usual, and haven't been able to finish what I started. But really, when you're essentially writing for only two people it's hard to get the motivation to do anything.

I've decided that I'm just going to do shorter posts from now on, because the big long drawn out power rankings and such are just too damn time consuming.

So wthout further ado let's get to the abbreviated business at hand.

OWNERSHIP TIERS

I've decided to do a year to date update of the fantasy ownership tiers. In addition to the following breakdown you can also find the tiers on the ever expanding column to the left of this sentence.

TIER 1

Jason- 3-0 doesn't come without hard work

Lazarus- Neither does 1-2. Seriously, the fact that Lazarus has even one win shows that hard fantasy work must pay-off. There is no reason he should not go winless this year. Yeah I know, I just used a double negative. Because that's essentially what Nick is, a horrible human being plus a horrible fantasy player, which cancels out into a positive fantasy human being.

That's right, Nick Lazarus is basically the fantasy equivalent of Rod Blagojevich. 

Horrible Human Being + Horrible Politician = Comedy Gold!

Travis- Should also be 3-0. I also think he's the only team to score 100 points or more in all three games this season. I'm not sure, but I'm sure enough to not spend the time to look it up. Which is why I'm a Tier 1 owner. I know how to time manage. And I'm awesome.

Chris- Mr. Carr has earned a long-overdue bump into Tier 1. He always comments, makes waiver pickups, and initiates message board posts. (Even if they're only about trying to trade away an aging QB that doesn'e even look good in Wranglers anymore)

Ah, who am I kidding? The man still looks damn good in denim.

TIER 2

Josh- Josh is teetering on the edge of Tier 1 status, but somehow I just can't bring myself to promote him. Maybe it's because he's my youngest brother, and I still harbor sentimental feelings of not letting him play sports with me and Travis when we were younger because he was too young and sucky. Yeah, maybe that's it.

B-Hall- I would like to promote Brian up to Tier 1 but I'm afraid he would celebrate by drinking a whole bottle of liquor, never making it into the Tier 1 ampitheater, and by the end of the night he would be passed out on a slide in a park, across the street from his neighborhood.

Why was Brian passed out at a children's playground? I think this picture of him and his cousin Schlomo explains everything. FYI, Schlomo is the baby chugging the beer. Brian finished his a long time ago.

Murphy- Back in the T.I.E.R.2. After a year long absence from fantasy relevance, Triple M (Michael Matthew Murphy), is back with a vengeance. He's scrapped together a hobbled mess of a team glued together by the tears of Kevin Kolb. Amazingly, he's 4th in the points and just one game out of 1st place, after getting 0 or less points out of his QBs three times in three weeks. That's the sign of some quality ownership going on.

Phil- I'm probably going to regret this, but after watching Phil's enthusiasm at beating Murphy in a Monday Night nail-biter, I knew a promotion was in order. Unfortunately he's already shown that he truly does judge fantasy players in trivial manners that harks to a girl choosing a team because she likes the color of their jersey. I won't get into the details but let's say Steve Breaston's sexual orientation has come into question.

Phil loves fantasy football almost as much as this baby loves him some milk.

TIER 3

Dave- I have to give Dave some props here as he finally showing fantasy life. He's not winless after three weeks for the first time ever, and he also isn't last in either the division or the points race. Yes, a lot of that has to do with the abomination of fantasy that is Nick Lazarus' team, but I'm giving him props nontheless.

Diesel- SIGH. Diesel....Diesel....Diesel. SIGH. I am just so.....SIGH. You know what? Fuck it. If you don't care then neither do I. I'm done here.

Even Charlie Brown is disappointed with your lack of fantasy enthusiasm Diesel.

TIER 4

Lynn- It is appalling that Lynn is 2-1 right now. I'm not sure if the man even knows that fantasy football is being played right now. Maybe he thought we were drafting to play in 2011. Whoever gets to play him on a bye is getting a pass that week. But you know, whatever, it's his 30 bucks he can do with it what he wants. Me? I'd spend that money on a shake-weight. Get some practice for all those midnight h-jobs under the overpass that have kept you from attending to your fantasy team.

Mike- And know we come to the man known as Lionel Richie Coloring Book. Hello? Is it wins you're looking for? Well, I'm going to give you a quick lesson in fantasy football, because I honestly think that scheming bastard Travis has been neglecting to teach you how to play so that he'll have two cake-walk games on his schedule this year.

For anyone who was wondering, this handsome guy is a Garthok. He is apparently made up of the broken legs of Mike's running backs.

Rule #1: The Waiver Wire is an easy way to patch holes in your lineup, especially if you are bad enough to get a high pick. Here's how the waivers work. Every week, 4:30AM on Tuesday to be exact, all available fantasy players go on these magical things called waiver wires.

Which means, any owner can make a claim for these players, and the claims will be dolled out in order of crapiness. The worst owner gets first pick, the best owner gets the last pick. To use the waiver wire, click on the players tab on the fantasy page. When you get to the player list, you can sort the available players by position, team, and even, and this is the most important, projected points.

Really all you have to do is sort the players by their projected points, filter by the position you are trying to pick up, and then just take the guy at the top of the list. It's that easy. You make your claim before Thursday @ 4:30 AM, and sit back and watch the fantasy points roll in.

 Gertie here is still waiting for her fantasy points to roll in. But nobody has the heart to tell her that Vegas slot machines don't accept keg beer as payment for their services.

Rule #2: Use the IR spot. Phil you should listen to this as well. If you ever have a player that has a big red O next to his name, then they are eligible for the IR slot. A couple of mouse clicks later, and you have an open bench spot on your team. And the best part? It's 100% free! You can slide a player into that spot, wait for him to heal, and pick up a replacement in the meantime all the while keeping your team intact.

Now, if a guy goes down for the year and isn't someone you wanted to keep, then by all means, you might as well just drop his ass. BUT, in the event that a productive receiver, let's just call him Beve Streaston, is out with an injury for a couple of weeks, you can stash him on your IR, pick up a replacement receiver, whom we'll call Raylon Bedwards, and see how he pans out. If Bedwards sucks, you still have reliable old Streaston, and if Edwards is awesome, you can try to trade the now healthy Streaston. And it doesn't cost you anything!!! Bench slots are invaluable, you never know when some dickbag on your bench will be thrust into the fantasy spotlight, giving you an instant fantasy nitro boost.

....just like in Mario Kart. Although I think a more appropriate caption for this picture would be "Mario Fart" This caption is rated PG, which stands for pretty gay.

So take those tips to heart and try to come up with some semblance of a viable fantasy team this week Lionel Richie Coloring Book,  I really need you to beat Murphy.


OKAY, That's long e-damn-nough. I'll try to have some updated power rankings soon, but you know me, I'll probably get wasted and forget. But I did want to point out that even though I haven't been writing much on the actual blog, I have been consistently updating the sidebar portion with some pretty pertinent information. So I'm going to put up power rankings there. But I really will try to give you at the very least an abbreviated breakdown of them before Sunday.

Toodle-oo,

The Commish

Week 1 Power Rankings (Part 1)

Commish's Note: This week's pictoral theme is: "Team T-Shirts"

1.  Travis - "Primanti Bros."

Team Captain: Phom Brivers Phom Brivers is what I call the two-headed monster that is Travis's QB corp. Waiting for Brady isn't  the new "Oprah Book Club Book of the Month," it's why Travis will be a fantasy force for years to come.

Week 1 Best: Phom Brivers (53 Combined Points) This is with Rivers having a "bad day," and Brady's team leading and running the ball in the second half. 100 points is an off-day for this team.

Week 1 Worst: Garrett Hartley (-1 Point) When kicker is your worst performer, you know you have a good team. But this is also why you wait until the last round to take a kicker, you just never know when a kicker is going to shank a few and screw you, so you might as well not put a lot of thought into who you play.

Should Have Started: Eddie Royal (9 Points) Who'd a thunk last year's biggest bust would grab 8 for 98? Two years ago though, this kid was a rookie phenom. This could turn into a late round steal.

Knee Jerk Reaction: Buying trophy polish. Travis should be feeling pretty good about his team after week 1, but before you start dusting off the mantle, I'd like to point out how poorly your #1 pick played. I think better days are ahead, but it wasn't exactly a fast start.

2.  Phil - "Washington Shanahan's"

Team Captain: Dan Snyder. Mo Money Problems. Phil should just change his name to the "Washington Biggies" or better yet, "The Notorious D.o.C."

Week 1 Best: Vince Young (21 Points) When inserting your OP Position into your lineup be sure to use VY Jelly.

Week 1 Worst: Rodgers brand Rice (16 Combined Points) You'd expect more than 16 points out of last year's #1 fantasy player and this year's #2 draft pick.

Should Have Started: Steve Breaston (15 Points) Goes to show you that you can't always trust my fantasy advice. Breaston looked great as the defense keyed in on Fitz like Dave keys in on a pair of tits.

Knee Jerk Reaction: Bench Starter Flip-Flop Party. Just because your bench goes off doesn't mean you should swap your players like wives in the 70's. Patience is the key to victory...that said I'm off to go dump half my team onto waivers.

3.  Murphy - "Arian Supremacy"

Team Captain: The QB formerly known as Kolb. So I was pissed when I found out Murphy changed his team name. I mean I went through all of twenty seconds of trouble to find an actual "Corn on the Kolb" T-Shirt. But I will admit that "Arian Supremacy" is a fucking fantastic team name. That's Tier 1 material right there folks.

Week 1 Best: Grand Wizard Foster (45 Points) So Murphy was mad that he wasn't going to be able to acquire one of the two star RBs in this year's draft. Well Murphy, the RB you got in the 3rd Round just got three times the points of MJD and Ray Rice combined. That should soften the blow a little going into...

Week 1 Worst: Kevin Kolb (0 Points) Ouch. Not only does Kolb leave the game with a concussion and 0 fantasy points, his backup looks like the Mike Vick of old. Man the fantasy world had missed that Mike Vick. The real world?? Yeah not as much.

Should Have Started: Jeremy Maclin (10 Points) Mikey likey some Macky. DeSean Jackson doesn't look like the #1 WR in Philly as long as Vick's not in the doghouse. Ooooh. Too Soon?

Knee Jerk Reaction: Dropping Kolb. Look, the Kolb situation is not good. I predict he's only got a 40% chance at retaining his job throughout the year. If Vick plays well against defensive juggernaut Detroit, the boo-birds will be ready to take a shit all over Kolb's head at the first sign of trouble. I know the fans don't decide who the starter is, but it sure won't help the young QB's confidence. But there's no reason to freak out, I mean you still have Matt Cassel, and Josh Freeman. Wow. Nevermind. Welp, you do have one more game against the Colts for Foster, so yeah, you'll be just fine....just fine.

4.  Josh - "Raleigh Sir Walters"

Team Captain: Adrew Breesterson. Travis and Josh are the only two owners to have had two players that they drafted in the inaugural 2008 draft. I almost made it three-for three but decided on Schaub at the last minute. I think I should start charging desperate fantasy owners for my superior fantasy DNA.,,,, Coming this Fall from JasonCorp it's "Fantasy Babies"!!! That's right folks, for a mere 2.999 dollars, you can have some of the fantasy gold that is my semen. In just nine months you will have your own personal fantasy guru for the rest of your life! JasonCorp guarantees he'll be setting your lineup by the age of 5!! NOTE: JasonCorp not responsible for any reckless activities that "Fantasy Babies" engage in between the ages of 16 and 24.

Week 1 Best: Roddy White (13 Points) Not the most points, but the guy with the most points was on your bench, so I decided on Josh's first round pick, who was thrown to 23 times on Sunday. For comparison, fantasy stud Santana Moss had the ball thrown to him 9 times. I don't know why I picked that comparison. Do you Phil?

Week 1 Worst: Chad Henne (9 Points) 9 points isn't horrible, but you want more out of your #2 pick against the terrible Bills.

Should Have Started: Hakeem Nicks (25 Points) For the record, the other two founders of "Fantasy Babies" told him to start Nicks over Gaffney. Josh you are definitely the Fredo of our Fantasy Baby Mafia.

Knee Jerk Reaction: Read Too Much Into Week 1. Look, you weren't going to win this game. Chris demolished you. Your studs didn't have great games and you made a big mistake not playing Nicks. This will probably be one of your worst scoring outings of the year. Plus you are the returning champion, I mean people are going to show up to play you this year. The motivational halftime speeches are going to be all fire and brimstone. But it's okay, you have an army of fantasy babies behind you.

5.  Chris - "ActLikeTiger GoDown"

Team Captain: A Perkins Waitress. Yes, she's hot, and yes she smells like bacon, but deep down you know that, right after you blow your load, you're gonna get the feeling that you shouldn't have done that. That's exactly how I feel about Chris's Week 1 performance.

Week 1 Best: Two Plays (47 Points) Adding in all the bonuses, the Cutler to Forte 89 yard catch and the Mendenhall 50 yard run, accounted for 47 points. Take those away and Chris scores 83 points, losing to Josh by 1 point.

Week 1 Worst: Nate Kaeding (2 Points) It's a good thing you took this stud kicker in the 13th round. After just one week, here's a list of player's that would have been a better pick with that slot: Legedu Naanee, Eddie Royal, Jacoby Jones, Brandon Jackson, Peyton Hillis, Mike Williams, and the list goes on. One of these days I will belong to a fantasy league where everyone takes a kicker in the last round.

Should Have Started: Nobody. On the bright side, you didn't leave points on your bench. On the not so bright side, your bench didn't really score any points to leave.

Knee Jerk Reaction: Chris's Team is AWESOME!! Look, Chris's team is probably better than my preseason power ranking, but as I detailed above, I really think this week was a fluke. I mean two of his best players went against the Lions. And just like that Perkins waitress, Chris needs a Big Cat to walk into his proverbial restaurant to score. Get it..Tiger, Lions? It's a big hat, it's funny.

6.  Jason - "Wildcard Bitches!!"

Team Captain: DJ CJ JC. I don't think it's a coincidence that Jamaal Charles' initials are Chris Johnson's backwards. The kid is Chris Johnson 2.0. I even think "It's Not Unusual" Tom Jones is good for J.C. Takes the pressure off him, and gives him fresh legs. You see what's happening to all the "hot" guys from last year that are being asked to carry the load by themselves this year. Shonn Greene, Jerome Harrison, Beanie Wells, and LeSean McCoy all either sucked at running the ball or got injured.

Week 1 Best: Chris Johnson (30 Points) Chris Johnson is good at running with a football. Enough said.

Week 1 Worst: Alex Smith (1 Point) I had such high hopes for this kid, but if he can't do it against Seattle who can he do it against? All of you who were worried about Murphy and I's collusion during the draft, well karma got us in the end. The guy I picked up got me one stinking point against rebuilding Seattle, and Murphy's #1 QB and draft pick, might not ever get him a fantasy point.

Should Have Started: My Entire Bench (64 Points) Here's a fun fact for ya: my bench outscored Dave's starters by one point.

Knee Jerk Reaction: Cutting Ties With the Niners. Wow, just because of one bad week, I wouldn't really bail on my third round pick and my QB 2 would I? Done and done. I am going with the Nick Lazarus approach to fantasy football this year. Win with low shitty scores by a couple of points and then make knee-jerk reactions with my players through trades and the waiver wire. Looks like I'm gonna need to take the Championship Jacket to the tailor, or else, when I win it, I'm gonna Chris Farley it, until it rips at the seams.

Commish's Note: Okay, I have to go get some sleep. I'll finish the rest of the rankings before Sunday Morning. But don't worry Chris, your three man team made it into the first half of the rankings, so I have your team's already up. Happy? Because I do this just for you buddy.

The New QB Rule Explained

SO a lot of you have been perplexed, perturbed, and constipated by this new QB rule I have instated. So I thought I would put it into writing so that everyone could digest the vast awesomeness of it at your own pace.

THE TWO QB RULE

GENERAL
- Every owner is allowed only 2 starting QBs on their team at one time.
- If an owner acquires a 3rd starting QB, they then have 24 hours to cut their roster to 2 QBs. The dropped QB is then made unavailable to the owner that dropped him for one full NFL game.
- No team shall have more than 3 QBs on their roster at any time.

THIRD QB OPTION
- A team may have a third QB on their team, but the QB has to be a nonstarter, or injured/suspended, at the time that he was acquired.
- Once a QB that is injured/suspended/nonstarter has been officially designated the new starter, the fantasy owner has two full NFL games to "Try out" the QB. During this time, the QB is still considered a backup, and the owner may still have two other starting QBs on his roster. After the two game trial period, the fantasy owner then has until that week's waivers are processed to trim his roster down to 2 starting QBS.
- The trial period only applies to QBs acquired before they were designated the starter.

WAIVER RULES
- By virtue of the 24 hour rule, a 3rd starting QB can be picked up off the waiver wire and then kept for a 24 hour period, after which the roster must be trimmed to 2 QBs.
- Once the third QB is dropped, he then goes on waivers for 48 hours, and the owner that dropped him isn't allowed to pick him up until one full NFL game has been played by said player.
- If a QB that is picked up off waivers or free agency as a backup, starts his NFL game the week he is picked up, he is considered a starter. ie. If you pick up a QB that is questionable to start due to the original starter suffering an injury, the backup QB is considered a starter for that week and is subject to the 24 hour rule.

BYE WEEKS
- During a starting QB's bye week the owner of said QB will be allowed to pick up a 3rd starting QB for that week.
- The owner must have owned the QB in the week previous to the QB's bye in order for this rule to apply.
- Once the bye week is over, the owner then has until Tuesday @ 11PM to trim his roster to 2 starting QBs.
- If an owner has two starting QBs with the same bye, they shall only be allowed to pick up one more starting QB, by virtue of the 3 QB roster limit.

SPECIAL EXTENSION
- A fantasy owner may appeal to the commissioner to grant him a special extension if a QB that started the week before is now a questionable start for the next game due to injury/poor play. The commissioner will then rule on whether or not to grant the extension.
- The extension will most likely be extended to noon on Sunday.
- If the questionable QB doesn't start that week, he is then deemed injured, and a third QB may be kept on the team, and the two game trial applies. If the QB does start, a third QB must be dropped as soon as the start is known, or before noon on Sunday, whichever comes first.

VIOLATIONS
- One hour prior to any violation of the 2 QB rule, the commissioner will attempt to contact the violating owner. If he is unable to reach the owner, the commissioner will then try again, one hour later, when the violation is enacted. If this second attempt is fruitless, the commissioner will then drop a QB in stead of the violating owner.

- The QB that is dropped by the commissioner will be the violating owner's newest QB. ie. The QB that was acquired closest to the date of the violation.




OKAY KIDS, that's it in a nutshell. I think I covered all the bases, but if any of you have any questions, see a possible problem with these rules, or have a suggestion as how to make them better, either contact me or leave a comment, which I will respond to.

READ OVER THE RULES CAREFULLY, especially the part about the waiver wire. We have our first waiver wire coming up and I know a lot of you might be trying to pick up a QB. Keep in mind that just because you have 2 starting QBs, doesn't mean you can't pick up a QB. You can pick up one and then start a 24 hour bidding war with owners who want him. Or you could end up wasting a waiver wire pick when it turns out nobody is willing to trade you. It's gambling at it's finest and Bill Simmons would love it.

Pre-Season Power Rankings (UPDATED)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ownership Tiers

Okay, so tomorrow I'm gonna finally post up the preseason power rankings, but for now I wanted to put up something that's near and dear to my heart; fantasy ownership tiers.

But Jason, what exactly are these fantasy ownership tiers that you speak of? Glad you asked, voice inside my head. The fantasy ownership tiers or FOT, are a breakdown of the different levels of commitment shown by the 11 fantasy owners in The White Knight Fantasy League.

"11 owners and 1 overweight wizard" 

 
THIS IS NOT a power ranking of any sort, nor does this speak for who has the better fantasy team, or who is the better overall fantasy player. It is simply a ranking of your individual commitment levels to the bastion of sports greatness that is fantasy football.

If you are ranked lower in the tiers than you think you deserve, have no fear, the tiers are more flexible than a Vegas stripper reaching for a fifty.




"Fun Fact: Strippers are people too. Except this one, who I'm pretty sure is the love child of Jenna Jameson and Stretch Armstrong"  

All you have to do in order to move up is try a little harder with your fantasy team. But how do I do this, this try harder thing you speak of? DAMMIT voice inside my head, I'm trying to write a worthless fantasy article that, maybe at best, 11 people will read, so stop interrupting me.... Okay fine, I'll tell you how you can try harder. You know voice inside my head, you're not even in the fantasy league, I don't even know why you care. I've been granted co-ownership of B-Hall's team. Ohhhhh, well that explains a lot, especially the whole Chaz Chillens thing.

"This is Michael Gay, the vice president of the Greater Cleveland Chamber of Commerce. Michael has absolutely nothing to do with our fantasy football league, but here he is nonetheless...... Also, he was the fifth image result for, "Brian Hall is gay." "

 


A truly dedicated fantasy football owner:

-Sets his lineup every Sunday
-Sets his lime-up any Monday
-Combs the waiver wire
-Combs the desert (They ain't found shit)
-Initiates trades
-Initiates oral
-Knows who Matthew Berry is
-Knows the gestation period of an elephant

Okay, now that you know the requirements, let's break down the tiers.


Fantasy Ownership Tiers 

"The official White Knight FOT logo. Do you love it!?!?" 

 


 TIER 1

If it was legal in the state of Maine to marry fantasy football, these owners would hop in their Kia with their laptop, crack it open to ESPN, and be kissing the monitor right after saying "I do"  

Jason - Clearly

Lazarus - Every hero needs an arch-villain

Travis - He's got the fantasy football DNA

 TIER 2

These owners express a more than adequate level of ownership, but are just missing that lunatic edge, that makes Tier 1 owners want to bend fantasy football over the kitchen table and penetrate it slowly at first, but then banging it so hard that the kosher salt on the table is now just regular salt   

Chris - Is afraid of what his parents would think if he brought fantasy football home for Thanksgiving

Josh - Too stoned for Tier 1

B-Hall - Too drunk for Tier 1

  TIER 3

These owners could be great, but just lack the commitment it takes for a monogamous relationship with fantasy football. They tried it once, but almost got Richard Kimbled when fantasy football caught them spooning Kyle Shannahan/Tim Tebow on the couch  


Murphy - Lost a month of fantasy football prep this offseason, because TBS doesn't have a fantasy football show.

Diesel - Made 10 of 14 3-pointers in his YMCA basketball game last night. So right now, fantasy football doesn't matter much to him.

Phil - Says he can also make 10 of 14 3-pointers, @ the top of the key, with nobody guarding him. I got 10 bucks that says he can't, What do you think? Vote in the poll on the fantasy football page.

TIER 4

These owners got really drunk one night and took fantasy football home with them. Upon waking the next morning and discovering fantasy football in their bed, they quickly yelled "Fire!," and then rushed fantasy football out of the apartment, without so much as her panties. He then calmly explained, that it was okay, he was a volunteer firefighter, and would soon have everything under control. After returning to his apartment, the owner then calls his friend Larry, and asks him to rub soot on his face, grab a pair of ladie's undergarments, put on a fireman's helmet, and rush over to his place. Upon arriving, Larry woefully explains to fantasy football, that the owner never made it out of the fire, but he fought bravely, and was even able to save her panties. At this point, Larry places the balled up panties he brought in to her hand and gives her a consoling hug. Fantasy football is so moved by this, that she then goes back with Larry to his place, where they eventually have sex, which, when awakening the next morning repeats an endless cycle that drives fantasy football into a state of delirium

Dave - Master of his own domain

Lynn - New Guy

Mike Honea - New Guy. OK, I don't like that there's two Mike's and one doesn't have a nickname. This has to be resolved. Hmmmmm, what should we call him???? Well let's see what old google image search has to say....okay I typed in "Mike Honea isn't a donkey" into Google image and this is what I got.

"...Grapefruits!!! Well that wasn't at all what I was expecting. Grapefruits is a terrible nickname, that won't do one bit. Hmmmm let's try "Mike Honea eats Jello pudding," and see what we get...... " 

 






"...Emmanuel Lewis!!!! While I agree that Webster is a pretty good nickname, I think we can do better. Okay, let's try "Mike Honea wrestles babies....."  

"...Lionel Richie Coloring Book!!! Okay, so maybe typing random phrases with Mike Honea in them isn't the best way to give someone a nickname. So why don't you guys think of one, leave it for me in the comments, and I'll pick the best. Otherwise we're stuck with Lionel Richie Coloring Book." 

 

Enough with the rambling, it's time to end this thang. Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did, and remember to vote in the poll, and leave a nickname for Mike Honea in the comments. Power Rankings out soon!!!!

Go to bed. BYE,

The Commish