Week 1 Power Rankings (Part 1)

Commish's Note: This week's pictoral theme is: "Team T-Shirts"

1.  Travis - "Primanti Bros."

Team Captain: Phom Brivers Phom Brivers is what I call the two-headed monster that is Travis's QB corp. Waiting for Brady isn't  the new "Oprah Book Club Book of the Month," it's why Travis will be a fantasy force for years to come.

Week 1 Best: Phom Brivers (53 Combined Points) This is with Rivers having a "bad day," and Brady's team leading and running the ball in the second half. 100 points is an off-day for this team.

Week 1 Worst: Garrett Hartley (-1 Point) When kicker is your worst performer, you know you have a good team. But this is also why you wait until the last round to take a kicker, you just never know when a kicker is going to shank a few and screw you, so you might as well not put a lot of thought into who you play.

Should Have Started: Eddie Royal (9 Points) Who'd a thunk last year's biggest bust would grab 8 for 98? Two years ago though, this kid was a rookie phenom. This could turn into a late round steal.

Knee Jerk Reaction: Buying trophy polish. Travis should be feeling pretty good about his team after week 1, but before you start dusting off the mantle, I'd like to point out how poorly your #1 pick played. I think better days are ahead, but it wasn't exactly a fast start.

2.  Phil - "Washington Shanahan's"

Team Captain: Dan Snyder. Mo Money Problems. Phil should just change his name to the "Washington Biggies" or better yet, "The Notorious D.o.C."

Week 1 Best: Vince Young (21 Points) When inserting your OP Position into your lineup be sure to use VY Jelly.

Week 1 Worst: Rodgers brand Rice (16 Combined Points) You'd expect more than 16 points out of last year's #1 fantasy player and this year's #2 draft pick.

Should Have Started: Steve Breaston (15 Points) Goes to show you that you can't always trust my fantasy advice. Breaston looked great as the defense keyed in on Fitz like Dave keys in on a pair of tits.

Knee Jerk Reaction: Bench Starter Flip-Flop Party. Just because your bench goes off doesn't mean you should swap your players like wives in the 70's. Patience is the key to victory...that said I'm off to go dump half my team onto waivers.

3.  Murphy - "Arian Supremacy"

Team Captain: The QB formerly known as Kolb. So I was pissed when I found out Murphy changed his team name. I mean I went through all of twenty seconds of trouble to find an actual "Corn on the Kolb" T-Shirt. But I will admit that "Arian Supremacy" is a fucking fantastic team name. That's Tier 1 material right there folks.

Week 1 Best: Grand Wizard Foster (45 Points) So Murphy was mad that he wasn't going to be able to acquire one of the two star RBs in this year's draft. Well Murphy, the RB you got in the 3rd Round just got three times the points of MJD and Ray Rice combined. That should soften the blow a little going into...

Week 1 Worst: Kevin Kolb (0 Points) Ouch. Not only does Kolb leave the game with a concussion and 0 fantasy points, his backup looks like the Mike Vick of old. Man the fantasy world had missed that Mike Vick. The real world?? Yeah not as much.

Should Have Started: Jeremy Maclin (10 Points) Mikey likey some Macky. DeSean Jackson doesn't look like the #1 WR in Philly as long as Vick's not in the doghouse. Ooooh. Too Soon?

Knee Jerk Reaction: Dropping Kolb. Look, the Kolb situation is not good. I predict he's only got a 40% chance at retaining his job throughout the year. If Vick plays well against defensive juggernaut Detroit, the boo-birds will be ready to take a shit all over Kolb's head at the first sign of trouble. I know the fans don't decide who the starter is, but it sure won't help the young QB's confidence. But there's no reason to freak out, I mean you still have Matt Cassel, and Josh Freeman. Wow. Nevermind. Welp, you do have one more game against the Colts for Foster, so yeah, you'll be just fine....just fine.

4.  Josh - "Raleigh Sir Walters"

Team Captain: Adrew Breesterson. Travis and Josh are the only two owners to have had two players that they drafted in the inaugural 2008 draft. I almost made it three-for three but decided on Schaub at the last minute. I think I should start charging desperate fantasy owners for my superior fantasy DNA.,,,, Coming this Fall from JasonCorp it's "Fantasy Babies"!!! That's right folks, for a mere 2.999 dollars, you can have some of the fantasy gold that is my semen. In just nine months you will have your own personal fantasy guru for the rest of your life! JasonCorp guarantees he'll be setting your lineup by the age of 5!! NOTE: JasonCorp not responsible for any reckless activities that "Fantasy Babies" engage in between the ages of 16 and 24.

Week 1 Best: Roddy White (13 Points) Not the most points, but the guy with the most points was on your bench, so I decided on Josh's first round pick, who was thrown to 23 times on Sunday. For comparison, fantasy stud Santana Moss had the ball thrown to him 9 times. I don't know why I picked that comparison. Do you Phil?

Week 1 Worst: Chad Henne (9 Points) 9 points isn't horrible, but you want more out of your #2 pick against the terrible Bills.

Should Have Started: Hakeem Nicks (25 Points) For the record, the other two founders of "Fantasy Babies" told him to start Nicks over Gaffney. Josh you are definitely the Fredo of our Fantasy Baby Mafia.

Knee Jerk Reaction: Read Too Much Into Week 1. Look, you weren't going to win this game. Chris demolished you. Your studs didn't have great games and you made a big mistake not playing Nicks. This will probably be one of your worst scoring outings of the year. Plus you are the returning champion, I mean people are going to show up to play you this year. The motivational halftime speeches are going to be all fire and brimstone. But it's okay, you have an army of fantasy babies behind you.

5.  Chris - "ActLikeTiger GoDown"

Team Captain: A Perkins Waitress. Yes, she's hot, and yes she smells like bacon, but deep down you know that, right after you blow your load, you're gonna get the feeling that you shouldn't have done that. That's exactly how I feel about Chris's Week 1 performance.

Week 1 Best: Two Plays (47 Points) Adding in all the bonuses, the Cutler to Forte 89 yard catch and the Mendenhall 50 yard run, accounted for 47 points. Take those away and Chris scores 83 points, losing to Josh by 1 point.

Week 1 Worst: Nate Kaeding (2 Points) It's a good thing you took this stud kicker in the 13th round. After just one week, here's a list of player's that would have been a better pick with that slot: Legedu Naanee, Eddie Royal, Jacoby Jones, Brandon Jackson, Peyton Hillis, Mike Williams, and the list goes on. One of these days I will belong to a fantasy league where everyone takes a kicker in the last round.

Should Have Started: Nobody. On the bright side, you didn't leave points on your bench. On the not so bright side, your bench didn't really score any points to leave.

Knee Jerk Reaction: Chris's Team is AWESOME!! Look, Chris's team is probably better than my preseason power ranking, but as I detailed above, I really think this week was a fluke. I mean two of his best players went against the Lions. And just like that Perkins waitress, Chris needs a Big Cat to walk into his proverbial restaurant to score. Get it..Tiger, Lions? It's a big hat, it's funny.

6.  Jason - "Wildcard Bitches!!"

Team Captain: DJ CJ JC. I don't think it's a coincidence that Jamaal Charles' initials are Chris Johnson's backwards. The kid is Chris Johnson 2.0. I even think "It's Not Unusual" Tom Jones is good for J.C. Takes the pressure off him, and gives him fresh legs. You see what's happening to all the "hot" guys from last year that are being asked to carry the load by themselves this year. Shonn Greene, Jerome Harrison, Beanie Wells, and LeSean McCoy all either sucked at running the ball or got injured.

Week 1 Best: Chris Johnson (30 Points) Chris Johnson is good at running with a football. Enough said.

Week 1 Worst: Alex Smith (1 Point) I had such high hopes for this kid, but if he can't do it against Seattle who can he do it against? All of you who were worried about Murphy and I's collusion during the draft, well karma got us in the end. The guy I picked up got me one stinking point against rebuilding Seattle, and Murphy's #1 QB and draft pick, might not ever get him a fantasy point.

Should Have Started: My Entire Bench (64 Points) Here's a fun fact for ya: my bench outscored Dave's starters by one point.

Knee Jerk Reaction: Cutting Ties With the Niners. Wow, just because of one bad week, I wouldn't really bail on my third round pick and my QB 2 would I? Done and done. I am going with the Nick Lazarus approach to fantasy football this year. Win with low shitty scores by a couple of points and then make knee-jerk reactions with my players through trades and the waiver wire. Looks like I'm gonna need to take the Championship Jacket to the tailor, or else, when I win it, I'm gonna Chris Farley it, until it rips at the seams.

Commish's Note: Okay, I have to go get some sleep. I'll finish the rest of the rankings before Sunday Morning. But don't worry Chris, your three man team made it into the first half of the rankings, so I have your team's already up. Happy? Because I do this just for you buddy.