I've decided that I'm just going to do shorter posts from now on, because the big long drawn out power rankings and such are just too damn time consuming.
So wthout further ado let's get to the abbreviated business at hand.
OWNERSHIP TIERS
I've decided to do a year to date update of the fantasy ownership tiers. In addition to the following breakdown you can also find the tiers on the ever expanding column to the left of this sentence.
TIER 1
Jason- 3-0 doesn't come without hard work
Lazarus- Neither does 1-2. Seriously, the fact that Lazarus has even one win shows that hard fantasy work must pay-off. There is no reason he should not go winless this year. Yeah I know, I just used a double negative. Because that's essentially what Nick is, a horrible human being plus a horrible fantasy player, which cancels out into a positive fantasy human being.
That's right, Nick Lazarus is basically the fantasy equivalent of Rod Blagojevich.
Horrible Human Being + Horrible Politician = Comedy Gold!
Travis- Should also be 3-0. I also think he's the only team to score 100 points or more in all three games this season. I'm not sure, but I'm sure enough to not spend the time to look it up. Which is why I'm a Tier 1 owner. I know how to time manage. And I'm awesome.
Chris- Mr. Carr has earned a long-overdue bump into Tier 1. He always comments, makes waiver pickups, and initiates message board posts. (Even if they're only about trying to trade away an aging QB that doesn'e even look good in Wranglers anymore)
Ah, who am I kidding? The man still looks damn good in denim.
TIER 2
Josh- Josh is teetering on the edge of Tier 1 status, but somehow I just can't bring myself to promote him. Maybe it's because he's my youngest brother, and I still harbor sentimental feelings of not letting him play sports with me and Travis when we were younger because he was too young and sucky. Yeah, maybe that's it.
B-Hall- I would like to promote Brian up to Tier 1 but I'm afraid he would celebrate by drinking a whole bottle of liquor, never making it into the Tier 1 ampitheater, and by the end of the night he would be passed out on a slide in a park, across the street from his neighborhood.
Why was Brian passed out at a children's playground? I think this picture of him and his cousin Schlomo explains everything. FYI, Schlomo is the baby chugging the beer. Brian finished his a long time ago.
Murphy- Back in the T.I.E.R.2. After a year long absence from fantasy relevance, Triple M (Michael Matthew Murphy), is back with a vengeance. He's scrapped together a hobbled mess of a team glued together by the tears of Kevin Kolb. Amazingly, he's 4th in the points and just one game out of 1st place, after getting 0 or less points out of his QBs three times in three weeks. That's the sign of some quality ownership going on.
Phil- I'm probably going to regret this, but after watching Phil's enthusiasm at beating Murphy in a Monday Night nail-biter, I knew a promotion was in order. Unfortunately he's already shown that he truly does judge fantasy players in trivial manners that harks to a girl choosing a team because she likes the color of their jersey. I won't get into the details but let's say Steve Breaston's sexual orientation has come into question.
Phil loves fantasy football almost as much as this baby loves him some milk.
TIER 3
Dave- I have to give Dave some props here as he finally showing fantasy life. He's not winless after three weeks for the first time ever, and he also isn't last in either the division or the points race. Yes, a lot of that has to do with the abomination of fantasy that is Nick Lazarus' team, but I'm giving him props nontheless.
Diesel- SIGH. Diesel....Diesel....Diesel. SIGH. I am just so.....SIGH. You know what? Fuck it. If you don't care then neither do I. I'm done here.
Even Charlie Brown is disappointed with your lack of fantasy enthusiasm Diesel.
TIER 4
Lynn- It is appalling that Lynn is 2-1 right now. I'm not sure if the man even knows that fantasy football is being played right now. Maybe he thought we were drafting to play in 2011. Whoever gets to play him on a bye is getting a pass that week. But you know, whatever, it's his 30 bucks he can do with it what he wants. Me? I'd spend that money on a shake-weight. Get some practice for all those midnight h-jobs under the overpass that have kept you from attending to your fantasy team.
Mike- And know we come to the man known as Lionel Richie Coloring Book. Hello? Is it wins you're looking for? Well, I'm going to give you a quick lesson in fantasy football, because I honestly think that scheming bastard Travis has been neglecting to teach you how to play so that he'll have two cake-walk games on his schedule this year.
For anyone who was wondering, this handsome guy is a Garthok. He is apparently made up of the broken legs of Mike's running backs.
Rule #1: The Waiver Wire is an easy way to patch holes in your lineup, especially if you are bad enough to get a high pick. Here's how the waivers work. Every week, 4:30AM on Tuesday to be exact, all available fantasy players go on these magical things called waiver wires.
Which means, any owner can make a claim for these players, and the claims will be dolled out in order of crapiness. The worst owner gets first pick, the best owner gets the last pick. To use the waiver wire, click on the players tab on the fantasy page. When you get to the player list, you can sort the available players by position, team, and even, and this is the most important, projected points.
Really all you have to do is sort the players by their projected points, filter by the position you are trying to pick up, and then just take the guy at the top of the list. It's that easy. You make your claim before Thursday @ 4:30 AM, and sit back and watch the fantasy points roll in.
Gertie here is still waiting for her fantasy points to roll in. But nobody has the heart to tell her that Vegas slot machines don't accept keg beer as payment for their services.
Rule #2: Use the IR spot. Phil you should listen to this as well. If you ever have a player that has a big red O next to his name, then they are eligible for the IR slot. A couple of mouse clicks later, and you have an open bench spot on your team. And the best part? It's 100% free! You can slide a player into that spot, wait for him to heal, and pick up a replacement in the meantime all the while keeping your team intact.
Now, if a guy goes down for the year and isn't someone you wanted to keep, then by all means, you might as well just drop his ass. BUT, in the event that a productive receiver, let's just call him Beve Streaston, is out with an injury for a couple of weeks, you can stash him on your IR, pick up a replacement receiver, whom we'll call Raylon Bedwards, and see how he pans out. If Bedwards sucks, you still have reliable old Streaston, and if Edwards is awesome, you can try to trade the now healthy Streaston. And it doesn't cost you anything!!! Bench slots are invaluable, you never know when some dickbag on your bench will be thrust into the fantasy spotlight, giving you an instant fantasy nitro boost.
....just like in Mario Kart. Although I think a more appropriate caption for this picture would be "Mario Fart" This caption is rated PG, which stands for pretty gay.
So take those tips to heart and try to come up with some semblance of a viable fantasy team this week Lionel Richie Coloring Book, I really need you to beat Murphy.
OKAY, That's long e-damn-nough. I'll try to have some updated power rankings soon, but you know me, I'll probably get wasted and forget. But I did want to point out that even though I haven't been writing much on the actual blog, I have been consistently updating the sidebar portion with some pretty pertinent information. So I'm going to put up power rankings there. But I really will try to give you at the very least an abbreviated breakdown of them before Sunday.
Toodle-oo,
The Commish
