Bet you didn't think you'd hear from me anytime soon. I don't blame you, I mean I do have every reason in the world to slink away and give up on fantasy football for the rest of the season. If you're keeping score, both my #1 RB and my #1WR are out for the rest of the season and it's only week 3.But I have chosen to hold my head high and plow through the rest of the season, hoping maybe I can cobble together a patchwork team built off of waiver wire scraps and gumption. However, as of right now, my team sucks donkey dick. Nothing has panned out for me, and my entire team is a damn Q at best. If I somehow make it into the playoffs this year, you all truly suck.
Well, let's get on to the good stuff. I've decided that for the first power rankings of the season I'm gonna group everyone into tiers (Because i know how much y'all love mother fuckin' tiers.) based on everyone's playoff odds. The theme for these tiers: Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 7
Tier 1: The Dennis Tier
-These Owners are the cream of the crop. Supreme physical specimens and the leaders of the pack. Their teams are tighter than dick skin.
1. Nick "Fucking" Lazarus: Constantly doing hummingbirds all day has left Laz's team absolutely pumped. He does however have anemia and high blood-pressure.
2. Phil "The Thrill" Elkins: Riding the wave of glory that is Phil's fantasy team is almost as magical a place as under the boardwalk.
3. Nick "The Diesel" Elkins: The only thing better than Diesel's undefeated fantasy team: crack.
Tier 2: The Fat Mac Tier
-These owners are building mass for a strong playoff push. However type 2 adult onset diabetes might just derail this train.
4. Dave "The Overweight Wizard" Visted: There's only one man in this world, that I know, that could put down a garbage bag full of chimichangas. So there's only one man in this tier.
Tier 3: The Charlie Tier
-These owners are more comfortable smashing rats in the basement than winning fantasy games.
5-8: The Chewbacca Division: Who the hell can tell the difference between any of these teams. They are all quite mediocre and most of them will probably make the playoffs. But probably not all of them. So which one will be left out in the cold? It's a mystery that nobody is interested in solving. Like why exactly charlie didn't just chew on the blood capsules?
Tier 4: The Sweet Dee Tier
-These owners' teams are quite anorexic, and they are barely still part of the group. They may have lost a chunk of scalp, but they still have a chance in this world.
9. Mike "Phallic Team Name" Murphy: The champ is hanging tough, and might actually have a chance of squeaking into the playoffs. Then again, I have ben hitting the sunscreen bottle pretty hard today.
10. Brian "-Hall" Hall: The jersey shore is a horrible place with horrible people, and so is B-Hall's fantasy team.
Tier 5: The Frank Tier
-These owners' lives have gotten so depressing they have to resort to proposing to hookers and boilng denim found under bridges.
11. Lynn "Creative Nickname" Percival: Peyton...God bless you. You were a good quarterback. You serviced me like no other quarterback ever did. Not only my crank but my heart.
12. Jason "The Accursed" Hepler: You wanna know the real reason I'm still in good spirits despite the worst fantasy season ever? Two words: Rum. Ham.
Jason I think you might have to add a second IR spot just to be able field a team every week.
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