Friday, August 9, 2013

Football on Your Phone!!

So Peyton and Eli aren't the only brothers who can rap about football on your phone!


Here's the original if you haven't already seen it.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Top Available Players for 2013

Sorry guys, nothing funny here, just a list for everyone, especially the new people, so they have an idea of who to draft in the first few rounds. Okay, one funny thing: Dick Fingers!! There, happy? This is a list of the top available players accounting for keepers:

QB
1. Tom Brady
2. Colin Kaepernick
3. Eli Manning
4. Ben Roethlisberger
5. Mike Vick
6. Sam Bradford
7. Andy Dalton
8. Jay Cutler
9. Josh Freeman
10. Carson Palmer
11. Matt Schaub
12. Philip Rivers
13. Ryan Tannehill
14. Alex Smith
15. Jake Locker

RB
1. Marshawn Lynch
2. CJ Spiller
3. LeSean McCoy
4. Steven Jackson
5. Matt Forte
6. Stevan Ridley
7. Frank Gore
8. MJD
9. Darren McFadden
10. Montee Ball
11. Darren Sproles
12. Chris Ivory
13. Reggie Bush
14. Eddie Lacy
15. Lamar Miller
16. Le'Veon Bell
17. Ahmad Bradshaw
18. The Law Firm
19. Rashard Mendenhall
20. Shane Vereen
21. Vick Ballard
22. Andre Brown
23. Johnathan Franklin
24. Deangelo Williams
25. Giovani Bernard

WR
1.  Demaryius Thomas
2. Roddy White
3. Vincent Jackson
4. Randall Cobb
5. Larry Fitzgerald
6. Wes Welker
7. Victor Cruz
8. Marques Colston
9. Reggie Wayne
10. Jordy Nelson
11. Mike Wallace
12. Danny Amendola
13. Hakeem Nicks
14. Eric Decker
15. Dwayne Bowe
16. Antonio Brown
17. Cecil Shorts
18. James Jones
19. DeSean Jackson
20. Greg Jennings
21. Tavon Austin
22. Aquan Boldin
23. Steve Johnson
24. Sidney Rice
25. TY Hilton

The 2012 Draft Pictures

Ahhhh, that's more like it. Look at those clean lines, that attention to detail, that high resolution. It's nice to have our league photographer taking pictures yet again. Phil will be back at again this year, so make sure to get your hair cut, wear your best clothes, and finish up any facial reconstructive surgery that you have pending. In the meantime enjoy this blast from the past.

Rolling out the Red Carpet. So serene, so peaceful, so much athlete's foot.
Mr. Brian Hall arriving at the draft. He was reminded soon after that he was not adhering to the strict Draft dress code. He removed his clothes immediately. I was not impressed.
Jon Day arriving at the draft...oh nope my bad, that's just Brian's dog Stormy.
Nick is either arriving at the draft or he is about to go camping for the weekend in my living room.
Murphy and the Championship trophy arriving at the draft. Next year, the winner won't be able to just tuck the trophy under his arm...confused? Just you wait.
Diesel handing the loser trophy to Mac. We have also changed the loser trophy, and instilled a cringe-worthy ceremony to go along with it. Gonna be epic.
I have no idea what is happening here. Here are a few guesses: 1) I'm farting 2) I'm making fun of the past two league losers 3) I can't move my arms, and Mac is making fun of me, while Diesel analyzes the situation.
Phil and Diesel continuing the annual tradition their division has of giving the winner some inanimate object found the day of the draft. I think this year it was a Santa Claus statue.
Travis handing himself the Chewbacca trophy. Travis is way to happy to be giving himself a wookie...which is exactly what he did to himself in bed last night. Bazinga!
Gayest jacket ceremony picture ever. By the way Nick, this would probably be a lot easier if you weren't giving a thumbs up. You always have to make things difficult for me.
Wow. Murphy is really looking longly and lovingly into Josh's eyes as he hands him the trophy. Josh, in the meantime is just contemplating Murphy's beard to nowhere.
The Board before the draft. Man that's a thing of beauty. Especially those Roman Numerals, they really class up the place.
The player cards, laid out all nice and neat. Writing all of those damn things sure was a painstaking and long process...oh wait.
This is me either explaining everyone rules changes that Nick Lazarus will argue against for no reason other than to fuck with me, or I am attempting to lead the league in the Atlanta Braves tomahawk chop.
Nick contemplating how he is going to take me down this year...or trying to destroy me with his mind.
Lynn getting all lawyer like with the rules. "Counselor, I don't remember giving you permission to speak"
Here we have Mac eyeballing a hush-puppy that has fallen on the carpet. He is contemplating whether or not to eat it. Diesel is contemplating whether or not that would make him vomit.
High on carpet-puppies, Mac makes the mistake of picking Philip Rivers with the 2nd overall pick. Somehow he is able to overcome this and make the Championship game. Still have no idea how that happened.
BBQ Time!!
....and as soon as the foil is off the BBQ, Dave finally shows up to the draft. He is like a mother fucking hound dog when it comes to copious amounts of food.
B-Hall attempting to make the green from like 40 yards out. He duffed it into the water instead. Minutes later, Diesel hit the green from 50 more yards away, hitting it over like 10 trees in the process. B-Hall then crapped his pants, and Stormy ate it.
Lynn listening to trade offers from Lazarus. "I'll give you Lebron James in exchange for Tiger Woods." This trade would propel Lynn to the semi-finals of the White Knight Basketball-Golf Hybrid league.
Mac being fully satisfied with his Kicker selection...that or he is getting a blowjob from somebody in the league...most likely Dave.
Murphy explaining with his pint glass why his eyes are so red right now. His draft went very much downhill from this point forward for some reason.
TIM MOTHER FUCKING HIGHTOWER Y'ALL!!!! 
Nick and Murphy trading draft picks. I am there to make sure that they don't collude in the process. Only Murphy and I are allowed to collude on draft day.
I'm pretty sure this is a picture of Mac waking up the next morning in my living room, unsure of where he is, and how he got here. I then shoved a few hushpuppies in his mouth and sent him on his way.
This is sadly the closest thing I have to a picture of Chris. This is Travis updating the Excel sheet for him. It's gonna be great to have Chris back at the draft this year after a two-year hiatus..mostly because I don't have to make a damn Excel sheet.
The board is complete!! Man, last years draft was the best yet. We made the 5th anniversary of the league a great one. I wanted to personally thank, Laz, Murphy, Dave, Phil, Diesel, Lynn, B-Hall, Chris, Josh, Travis, and Mac for being great league members over the last 2-5 years. Now, help me in welcoming all the new members to the league and making the next 5 years just as awesome.
Last but not least, it's the self-portrait of the man, the myth, the legend, Phil Elkins. Thanks again buddy for making this post possible. You can just scroll down a post to the 2011 draft pics to see how much we truly appreciate you.

The 2011 Fantasy Draft Pictures

Yeah, so I realize I'm a year late on these, but I was clearly ashamed of how sucky these pictures were. It goes to show you how badly we need our league photographer to be at the draft. Luckily, his relationship with a moose. or maple syrup, or whatever it is people from Maine look like, fizzled out, and he is now back in our fold.


Gee, why does that jacket seem to be a different color? Oh yeah, it's because Nick "No Respect" Lazarus forgot to bring it to the draft. I think he was just ashamed because he was too damn fat to fit into it.
Travis looks so damned depressed to be getting the Chewie trophy from Josh. That or he just really has to poop. Hard to tell.
There's our league photographer! He tried to take pictures via Skype, but when he sent them to me it was nothing but screen-grabs of gay porn sites. Must have been the wrong roll of film. Thomas Jefferson is not pleased.
The trophy ceremony. Taken in front of the ceremonial screen of whiteness. Because we are the White Knight league...and we are all a bunch of white guys...and racists. Sean, what have you got yourself into?
Your 2010 White Knight Champion! I have nothing funny to say about this. I do think it's strange that Murphy's shirt appears to say, "Blood" which confirms my suspicions that he is indeed a Vampire.
This is me taking a picture of B-Hall taking a picture. Brian tried to be the league photographer in Phil's absence, but he pulled a B-Hall and either lost, deleted, or ate all of the pictures. We missed you Phil.
Dave presenting the loser trophy to Diesel. He still protests this move to this day, but I wasn't about to go find the LRCB and make him show up in shame just so he can receive a trophy of shame for being the worst fantasy owner of all time....wait, why exactly didn't I do that?

Okay, that concludes the trip down memory lane from 2 years ago. The pictures are blurry, out of focus, and kinda lame. But considering how much cannabanoids were consumed at that draft, these pictures are kinda perfect.