The Playoffs (Round 2)

The Playoffs

There. Are you happy now Jim?

-The Commish

The Chase for the Race (1 Week Left!!)

That's right folks it's finally here. The last week of the regular season is upon us and the playoffs are just around the corner. So get our your rabbit's foot, dust off your lucky hat, and rub Dave's belly for good luck because this is your final chance for glory. Not for glory holes mind you, that is always available in the corner stall at the BP on Capital Blvd. Just ignore those baby blue eyes, blonde hair, large belly, and the stench of Bojangles and Parliaments and pretend it's a woman. Ok, now that you have vomited a little in your mouth, here are all your scenarios for the final week.

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS 

ELKINS CUP: 
Diesel: Win and he clinches the cup. He can also clinch with a loss if anyone but Dave wins the Four Guys One Cup division.
Dave: Won the head-to-head with Diesel, so he still has a mathematical chance. However, he would need Diesel to lose, and he would need to win his division, which you will see in a minute, is extremely unlikely.

LEAVE IT TO CHEWIE:
Travis: A win this week, and he clinches. He also clinches if Rocco loses.
Rocco: Won the head-to-head with Travis, so he would clinch with a win and a loss by Travis

DIVISIONAL RACES

FOUR GUYS ONE CUP:
Lazarus: Clinches with a win.
Jason: Clinches with a win, and a Dave loss, OR a win, a Dave win, and maintains a lead in the point standings over Dave.
Dave: Clinches with a win, a win by Jason, and must gain over 87 points on Jason in the process.

CLAN ELKINS: 
Diesel: Has clinched the division because everyone else in his division is terrible.

CHEWBACCA!!!:
Travis: Has clinched the division because everyone else in his division blows donkey dick.

LEAVE IT TO B-HALL: 
Rocco: A win and he clinches. He can also clinch with a loss and a Jim loss OR a loss and a Jim win, while maintaining a lead in the point standings.
Jim: Can clinch with a win, a Rocco loss, and must gain 64 points on Rocco in the process.

POINT TITLE

IN SERIOUS CONTENTION:
Jason: 1497 points
Diesel: 1482 points (-15)

OUTSIDE CHANCE:
Dave: 1410 points (-87)

WILDCARD RACE

IN LIKE FLINT:
Jason: 1497 points (+186)
Dave: 1410 points (+99)

PROBABLY DANCING:
Rocco: 1375 points (+64)
Lazarus: 1369 points (+58)
Sean: 1364 points (+53)

NOT OUT OF THE WATER YET:
Jim: 1311 points (Final Wildcard Spot)

DOWN BUT NOT OUT:
B-Hall: 1303 points (-8)
Mac: 1278 points (-33)

ELIMINATED

Dr. Terps: 1234 points (-77)
Josh: 1191 points (-120)
Phil: 1148 points (-163)
Chris: 1139 points (-172)
Lynn: 1055 points (-256) 
Packy: 1047 points (-264)

DRAFT BATTLES

Just so the eliminated players have something to watch for this week, I thought I would go ahead and lay out where everyone stands in the draft battle races. Although most likely these games are already set because the point discrepancy from one group to another is pretty large. The only thing that remains to be determined is who will not make the playoffs and be in the #7 game.

#1 PICK GAME:
Packy: 1047 points
Lynn: 1055 points

#3 PICK GAME:
Chris: 1139 points (+84 from #1 game)
Phil: 1148 points (+93 from #1 game)

#5 PICK GAME: 
Josh: 1191 points (+43 from #3 game)
Dr. Terps: 1234 points (+86 from #3 game)

#7 PICK GAME:
 Mac: 1278 points (+44 from #5 game)
B-Hall: 1303 points (+69 from #5 game)

Playoff Scenarios

With only two games left before the playoffs, I thought it would be fun to look at all the different playoff scenarios. Of course, because there are still two games left and we use points as the tiebreaker for quite a few scenarios, a lot of these playoff pictures are quite cloudy. But at the very least, we can all but eliminate a few owners from some races, and tell you who is in the driver's seat for others.

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS 

ELKINS CUP: 
Diesel: Wins out and he wins.
Dave: Won the head-to-head with Diesel, so he takes it if he wins out and Diesel loses once OR if he wins once, wins the division. and Diesel loses twice.
Sean: Has an outside shot by virtue of a head-to-head win against Diesel, but he would need to win out, win the division, and gain 150 points on Diesel in the points standings. So probably not.

LEAVE IT TO CHEWIE:
Travis: A win this week, and a loss by both Rocco and Jim and he clinches. If he wins out, he will also clinch.
Rocco: If he wins out, and Travis loses once, he clinches. If Travis loses both, and he wins only once he could still clinch if Jim or Lynn doesn't win the division.
Jim: Needs to win out, have Travis lose both games, and win the division
Mac: Needs to win the division and have both Rocco and Jim lose once
Lynn: Needs to win the division and have Travis lose twice but also win his division

DIVISIONAL RACES

 

FOUR GUYS ONE CUP:
This one is just too close to call, but hopefully should get a little more clear by next week. The only thing we can say for sure is that if Dave wins out he clinches the division, but if he loses one game, things get real murky.

CLAN ELKINS: 
Diesel: has clinched the division because everyone else in his division is terrible.

CHEWBACCA!!!:
Travis: If he beats Mac this week he clinches
Mac: Needs to win out, have Travis lose both games, and maintain his lead over Travis in points (+3)

LEAVE IT TO B-HALL: 
This divisional race is also really close and murky and will be a little more clear next week. B-Hall has been eliminated from contention due to tiebreaker scenarios, but everyone else still has a chance with Rocco sitting in the driver's seat.

POINT TITLE

IN SERIOUS CONTENTION:
Diesel: 1419 points
Jason: 1380 points (-39)

OUTSIDE CHANCE:
Dave: 1285 points (-134)
Sean: 1269 points (-150)

WILDCARD RACE

Because this is done by points, it is impossible to clinch anybody or to eliminate anybody due to miracles occasionally happening. Also, with most of the divisional titles still up for grabs, the point race gets even murkier. That all said, we can break down everyone's chances based on probability. I have grouped everyone into tiers and placed everyone's points relative to the projected final wildcard spot in parentheses.

IN LIKE FLINT:
Jason: 1380 points (+182)

PROBABLY DANCING:
Dave: 1285 points (+87)
Sean: 1269 points (+71)

NOT OUT OF THE WATER YET:
Lazarus: 1230 points (+32)
Rocco: 1211 points (+13)
Mac: 1198 points (Final Wildcard Spot)
Travis: 1195 points (-3)

DOWN BUT NOT OUT:
Jim: 1189 points (-9)
B-Hall: 1167 points (-31)
Dr. T: 1142 points (-56)

ELIMINATED

Josh, Chris, Phil, and Packy cannot win their divisions and are too far down in the points standings to have any shot at making the playoffs. Lynn is only still in contention because he somehow still has a shot at winning his division

Caption Contest #2!!

First off, thanks to the collaborative efforts of Jim and Josh for coming up with the idea for this one. I think this pretty much sums up the fantasy football relationship that I have with Mr. Brian Hall. But I suck at captioning pictures so I'm commissioning the rest of the league to do it for me.

The prize? Oh, I've got an entire prize pack all lined up for you. It includes:

- A 50lb tub of Tanning Cream provided by Laz (He can't use it anymore, he just keeps turning red)
- 1 Ticket to go see Michael Buble with Dave (Anal lube not included)
- A Six-Pack of Beer prepared by Diesel (5 Miller Lites and a Natty Bo)
- A night of fun with Josh (Pot, Video Games, Couch)
- Free house-call from Dr. Terp (If he comes over with his medical supplies in the middle of the night unannounced, and you were not the winner, nor did you call him, DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR)
- A slab of Rum-Ham from Mac (Mmmmm Rum Ham)
- A stroll through the ghetto to buy weed with Sean (He will be just as scared as you, but at least he looks black)
- Baseball lessons from Packy (He will teach you to be as good as a minor leaguer. You will learn how to use a $100 a week per diem on rice, beans, chewing tobacco, and of course STD medication to clear up rashes left by Johnston City Cardinals groupies)

SO there you have it. What a fabulous prize pack it is. Leave your captions in the comments and bribe me with Twizzlers and you might just win.

Good luck and Good Night,

The Commish

The Caption Contest Winner Is....

....Chris Carr!!

First off, I want to thank everyone who participated in what I hope to be a recurring game here on the blog. There were some really great entrys, especially all those that involved Dave and his various sexual fetishes. But, Chris's entry stood out as being the most personal and well thought out, because if you know Travis, nothing gets his dick harder than David Schwimmer's monkey.

The prize that I had issued for winning this notable contest was a $50 gift certificate to the White Knight blog gift shop...which isn't an actual thing. Sooo, I will reward you the only way I know how (...with my penis...that's what Dave said), by immortalizing you in Internet infamy!

Inspired by Sean's waiver wire acquisition of Tiquan Underwood (Google his name and you'll understand) I have made Chris into 90's acting and hip-hop legend, "Kid" (...or is it Play? I can never remember which is which) This also marks the first time I have Photoshopped Chris into a man on the blog (...or a monkey)

Oh yeah, Sean is in the picture too. Even though Sean didn't even participate in the contest (shame on him), he's the only black guy in the league. And while it's pretty easy for me to turn a black guy white, it's quite difficult to turn a white guy black. (Which is as true in Photoshop as it is in real life)

Enjoy!

The Commish

Caption Contest!!

Use the comments section below to caption this picture of Travis and his laptop. The best caption will win a $50 gift certificate to the White Knight Blog Gift Shop. Okay, let the contest begin.

-Commish

Explaining the QB Rule

So a number of you have contacted me in order to clarify the QB rule so I figured I would go ahead and put it in writing to avoid any further confusion. I'm not sure why, as I'm sure you all will just ignore this and call me every week anyway. But I'm going to do it because my Crystal Meth has run out and I need something to occupy my time while I await my dealer.

THE WHITE KNIGHT QB RULE

- You can only have 2 QBs on your team

-As long as you have a QB on your roster, you own the rights to all of that teams' QBs

-You have to play the starting QB for a team each week in order to get points. You do not get any points for QBs that are not in your starting lineup

-If you don't keep a team's QB on your roster, you are forfeiting the rights to that team's QBs, thus allowing other owners to claim them off waivers.

That's it. Not that crazy is it? What!? You still need further explanantion!? Okay. How about an example:

- THE HOUSTON TEXANS, after deciding that Matt Schaub was no better at quarterbacking than Tim Tebow, benched him in favor of TJ Yates, who was then benched in favor of Case Keenum. B-Hall, drunk on the tears of his past failures, drafted Matt Schaub. As long as he keeps Schaub or any other inept Texans QB on his roster, he owns the rights to every one of those flaming turds and no other owner can pick them up.

-HOWEVER, Mr. Hall has to place whatever XFL reject the Texans start at QB in his starting lineup each week, in order to get any points for them. If Case Keenum is on waivers, B-Hall does not get the points for him and gets a big fat zero from any other Texans QB that he started that didn't play in the game.

-IF Brian decides to just cut bait on the short bus driven by Wesley Willis that is the Texans QB situation, he can drop whatever Texans QB he has and now any other owner can claim them. If Dave, being the masturbating lemming that he is, decides to pick up Matt Schaub or any other Texans QB, he now will own the rights to all Texans QBs, BUT he has to drop one of his current QBS, thus forfeiting the rights to that team's QBs allowing other owners to do the same if they so choose.

OKAY, hopefully that helped clear up this rule for everyone. If anybody still has questions. leave them in the comments section and I will respond as soon as I can.

Commish Out

Won't You Be My (Fantasy) Neighbor?

For all of you that questioned why I wanted to expand the fantasy league, I present to you black Mr. Rodgers. And you now have your answer....and creepy nightmares.

Dave has wanted a black man's hand up his ass for a long time. You're welcome friend.

A Thank You Coach

As a personal thank you to the three upstanding gentlemen who gave me praise on my Power Rankings Team Picture, I have created "Thank You Coaches" to represent my appreciation for your kind words.

That's right kids, stroke my ego and you too could be transformed into your favorite college coach. Keep up the good work and so will I. Oh and don't forget to go to the league homepage and vote in the poll because like Winter, punishment is coming.

Beamer-Hall

Head Ball Laz

Sweaty Philly

POWER RANKINGS: Science Team Edition

Click the picture to Enlarge

Team Pictures...Expansion Addition

Enjoy your pictures boys. Use this power wisely. Because apparently it comes with some sort of responsibility, or so I hear. Eh fuck it, what do I care, blow it all on candy...crazy kids and their pot.

NOTE: I didn't create a picture for Packy because he hasn't put enough effort into his team to warrant any sort of awesome perks from me...that and his team name is stupid and I have no idea how to make a picture out of that. Ok, enough ranting about how disappointed I am in Mr. Patrick Elkins.

Enjoy the pics y'all!!

The Commish

My Two Matts

OK Brian, you've changed your team name to try to shake things up after your horrible start(as usual), so I'm giving you another shot at using a Jason Created Team Picture(JCTP). Why should he use a JCTP(trademark pending)? Here's why:

- Dave is using his JCTP and is currently 3-0 for the first time ever, and is even #3 in points. That alone should be enough evidence, but I have much more.

- Phil is NOT using his JCTP and is currently 0-3, #10 in the points standings, and is terrible.

- After Mac started using his JCTP, he went on a two game winning streak, has scored over 100 points in each of those games, and is currently winning his division.

- Of course I'm using one, and even though I am 1-2, my JCTP has helped me to overcome my shitty luck to propel me to the #2 position in the points.

- Lynn is NOT using his JCTP and although 2-1, he is #12 in the points standing and his shoes have grown laces all the sudden.

- Since Josh started using his JCTP he has righted the sunken ship after a miserable Week 1 by finally winning a game, and has moved up 7 places in the points standings.

- Chris has finally started using his, and now Le'veon Bell has made a miraculous comeback, and his team looks to be bouncing back.

- And finally, B-Hall did NOT use his JCTP and is currently 0-3, possibly the worst team in the league, and is on track to not make the playoffs for an astounding 6th straight year. So my friend, I am taking pity on you and giving you another chance, with an amazing team picture. Use it wisely my friend.

Diesel is #1 and Loving it!

Even More Team Pictures!

If you haven't already done so, make sure you scroll down and check out the power rankings below  that I got drunk and worked so hard on. Speaking of hard-on, check out these scintillating team pictures I have created for so me of you free-of charge.

There is no reason now not to have an awesome team picture on your team page. If you don't use these, feel frre to create your own, and I will help you host the picture on the interwebs. Also, if you want me to work with you on an idea for a picture just let me know and I will be glad to do so.

Phil apologizes to all the new members for whom I don't have pictures for and therefore cannot create an awesome picture for. Soon this will be a reality. I hope. Who knows. For now, enjoy this fantastic trio of team pictures.

"The Anal Whisperer"

"Washington Dr. James A's"

"Rum Ham!"

"What Does John Fox Say?"

Team Pictures!! (...and Power Rankings)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Football on Your Phone!!

So Peyton and Eli aren't the only brothers who can rap about football on your phone!

Here's the original if you haven't already seen it.

The Draft is Here!! (Chris is Super Pumped)

Happy Draft Eve!!

Less than 24 hours until the big day! Wooh!

Top Available Players for 2013

Sorry guys, nothing funny here, just a list for everyone, especially the new people, so they have an idea of who to draft in the first few rounds. Okay, one funny thing: Dick Fingers!! There, happy? This is a list of the top available players accounting for keepers:

QB
1. Tom Brady
2. Colin Kaepernick
3. Eli Manning
4. Ben Roethlisberger
5. Mike Vick
6. Sam Bradford
7. Andy Dalton
8. Jay Cutler
9. Josh Freeman
10. Carson Palmer
11. Matt Schaub
12. Philip Rivers
13. Ryan Tannehill
14. Alex Smith
15. Jake Locker

RB
1. Marshawn Lynch
2. CJ Spiller
3. LeSean McCoy
4. Steven Jackson
5. Matt Forte
6. Stevan Ridley
7. Frank Gore
8. MJD
9. Darren McFadden
10. Montee Ball
11. Darren Sproles
12. Chris Ivory
13. Reggie Bush
14. Eddie Lacy
15. Lamar Miller
16. Le'Veon Bell
17. Ahmad Bradshaw
18. The Law Firm
19. Rashard Mendenhall
20. Shane Vereen
21. Vick Ballard
22. Andre Brown
23. Johnathan Franklin
24. Deangelo Williams
25. Giovani Bernard

WR
1.  Demaryius Thomas
2. Roddy White
3. Vincent Jackson
4. Randall Cobb
5. Larry Fitzgerald
6. Wes Welker
7. Victor Cruz
8. Marques Colston
9. Reggie Wayne
10. Jordy Nelson
11. Mike Wallace
12. Danny Amendola
13. Hakeem Nicks
14. Eric Decker
15. Dwayne Bowe
16. Antonio Brown
17. Cecil Shorts
18. James Jones
19. DeSean Jackson
20. Greg Jennings
21. Tavon Austin
22. Aquan Boldin
23. Steve Johnson
24. Sidney Rice
25. TY Hilton

The 2012 Draft Pictures

Ahhhh, that's more like it. Look at those clean lines, that attention to detail, that high resolution. It's nice to have our league photographer taking pictures yet again. Phil will be back at again this year, so make sure to get your hair cut, wear your best clothes, and finish up any facial reconstructive surgery that you have pending. In the meantime enjoy this blast from the past.

Rolling out the Red Carpet. So serene, so peaceful, so much athlete's foot.

Mr. Brian Hall arriving at the draft. He was reminded soon after that he was not adhering to the strict Draft dress code. He removed his clothes immediately. I was not impressed.

Jon Day arriving at the draft...oh nope my bad, that's just Brian's dog Stormy.

Nick is either arriving at the draft or he is about to go camping for the weekend in my living room.

Murphy and the Championship trophy arriving at the draft. Next year, the winner won't be able to just tuck the trophy under his arm...confused? Just you wait.

Diesel handing the loser trophy to Mac. We have also changed the loser trophy, and instilled a cringe-worthy ceremony to go along with it. Gonna be epic.

I have no idea what is happening here. Here are a few guesses: 1) I'm farting 2) I'm making fun of the past two league losers 3) I can't move my arms, and Mac is making fun of me, while Diesel analyzes the situation.

Phil and Diesel continuing the annual tradition their division has of giving the winner some inanimate object found the day of the draft. I think this year it was a Santa Claus statue.

Travis handing himself the Chewbacca trophy. Travis is way to happy to be giving himself a wookie...which is exactly what he did to himself in bed last night. Bazinga!

Gayest jacket ceremony picture ever. By the way Nick, this would probably be a lot easier if you weren't giving a thumbs up. You always have to make things difficult for me.

Wow. Murphy is really looking longly and lovingly into Josh's eyes as he hands him the trophy. Josh, in the meantime is just contemplating Murphy's beard to nowhere.

The Board before the draft. Man that's a thing of beauty. Especially those Roman Numerals, they really class up the place.

The player cards, laid out all nice and neat. Writing all of those damn things sure was a painstaking and long process...oh wait.

This is me either explaining everyone rules changes that Nick Lazarus will argue against for no reason other than to fuck with me, or I am attempting to lead the league in the Atlanta Braves tomahawk chop.

Nick contemplating how he is going to take me down this year...or trying to destroy me with his mind.

Lynn getting all lawyer like with the rules. "Counselor, I don't remember giving you permission to speak"

Here we have Mac eyeballing a hush-puppy that has fallen on the carpet. He is contemplating whether or not to eat it. Diesel is contemplating whether or not that would make him vomit.

High on carpet-puppies, Mac makes the mistake of picking Philip Rivers with the 2nd overall pick. Somehow he is able to overcome this and make the Championship game. Still have no idea how that happened.

BBQ Time!!

....and as soon as the foil is off the BBQ, Dave finally shows up to the draft. He is like a mother fucking hound dog when it comes to copious amounts of food.

B-Hall attempting to make the green from like 40 yards out. He duffed it into the water instead. Minutes later, Diesel hit the green from 50 more yards away, hitting it over like 10 trees in the process. B-Hall then crapped his pants, and Stormy ate it.

Lynn listening to trade offers from Lazarus. "I'll give you Lebron James in exchange for Tiger Woods." This trade would propel Lynn to the semi-finals of the White Knight Basketball-Golf Hybrid league.

Mac being fully satisfied with his Kicker selection...that or he is getting a blowjob from somebody in the league...most likely Dave.

Murphy explaining with his pint glass why his eyes are so red right now. His draft went very much downhill from this point forward for some reason.

TIM MOTHER FUCKING HIGHTOWER Y'ALL!!!! 

Nick and Murphy trading draft picks. I am there to make sure that they don't collude in the process. Only Murphy and I are allowed to collude on draft day.

I'm pretty sure this is a picture of Mac waking up the next morning in my living room, unsure of where he is, and how he got here. I then shoved a few hushpuppies in his mouth and sent him on his way.

This is sadly the closest thing I have to a picture of Chris. This is Travis updating the Excel sheet for him. It's gonna be great to have Chris back at the draft this year after a two-year hiatus..mostly because I don't have to make a damn Excel sheet.

The board is complete!! Man, last years draft was the best yet. We made the 5th anniversary of the league a great one. I wanted to personally thank, Laz, Murphy, Dave, Phil, Diesel, Lynn, B-Hall, Chris, Josh, Travis, and Mac for being great league members over the last 2-5 years. Now, help me in welcoming all the new members to the league and making the next 5 years just as awesome.

Last but not least, it's the self-portrait of the man, the myth, the legend, Phil Elkins. Thanks again buddy for making this post possible. You can just scroll down a post to the 2011 draft pics to see how much we truly appreciate you.